> But at the music festival you just didn't seem too
> anything. (It's not possible to be too happy or too
> enthusiastic or too energetic.) I didn't think about
> this too much, or even about getting your email
> address, until I actually sat down and talked to you
> at the end, when everyone was packing up. I don't
> even remember what we talked about but I remember it
> was a very easy conversation and I didn't find myself
> wondering what to talk about, it just flowed. That's
> good, very good, in my mind.

me too (and I laugh as I think and wonder what we did talk about... the festival, perhaps... your place, I remember thanking you for the amazing generosity (and yes, it is amazing in this world of scared, misery, shut down people) to open your land and home for such an party... and the quiet little space behind the barn under the stars is an enchanting memory from that weekend... I'm not sure what else we talked about, but thanks again)...

I was thrilled to be asked for my email and number... it was a perfect end to a wonderful weekend (and rather hot sweaty muscle testing day of work breaking down the stages and such)...

brief as it was, memory tells me that I found a friend and more important, that the kids inside of us found reason to bounce up and down and cheer the world some more because... well, I feel like it was/is ok to come out and play with you without the usual constrictions of 'what should I say' or 'are you going to hurt me'... I like you...

>I talk to people all day
> and I only get that feeling with my closest friends
> and my family.

I used to with friends... I've never had family I considered family... adopted a couple of times, minimal bonding, though they were not cruel, just insensitive, shallow, insecure, and very typical suburban working folk who judged everything based on what the neighbors might say... and closest friends I once had drifted far and wide, mostly due to my withdrawal first into a blissful family unit and then into a dumb 'not knowing what to say' phase... I stopped trusting words as a means of communication because that's how the relationship started... and as I said, I lost myself in working a zillion hours a week (picking up from zero takes a lot of work)... I live with my best friend and his 16 year old daughter (who's like my own in my mind) and probably talk to her more than anyone else about serious things (mostly because she brings her questions and life to me first and I try to be wise and helpful)... he works around seventy hours a week (also night shift) and sleeps a lot...

I'm not quite a desperate lonely old man, but I sure do see that road out there and shall do my best to follow another...

> I tried eharmony for three months, just so I would
> feel like I was making some kind of effort I think,
> but it was disappointing. The only thing I liked about
> it was that right up front you reveal the things that
> are most important to you, so people can cross you off
> immediately if they don't mesh. I should try to print
> my personality profile off for you.

I have an eharmony profile too, if it's still there... I didn't pay for the service and have not used it, but one introspective evening sat and answered all the questions hoping something good would come of it... I think it's under candor, which is my last name...

>It seemed fairly
> accurate. Except it said that I wanted popularity. I
> don't think that liking people and being nice so that
> they will like you is the same as wanting to be
> popular. The word has a very phony negative
> connotation and I would never be phony. I cannot be
> manipulative or play games either. That is very
> unhealthy. I don't like whiners, people who are
> always sick, people who can only talk about
> themselves, people who are mean to others, liars,
> cheaters, thieves (the usual bad guys), etc.

uh-oh, maybe I should not send this email since it's all about me (but how else to let you know me?... I trust you will stick around long enough to see for yourself that after the initial outpouring of self relating rambling I'm not quite as self-centered as my rambling might make me appear... and I do want you to know me and like me for who I am...

no worries, no editing shall happen... in fact, I hope you enjoy the typos (may the typos amuse more than confuse)... I usually love the slips of the fingers for the amusements they often provide... but if you are really ansy about occasional mispellings and grammar and such, well, I'll do my best to find time to review the words but that'll mean a lot less words... your choice...

I read your words above and find the same thoughts in the autobiographic files in my head... I like that...

healthy, yes, I am determined to get back to running (used to run marathons) and drop the extra thirty (forty?) pounds I've gained since starting night shift a few years ago... for the past eight months or so I take a high blood pressure pill once a day, Diovan HTC (or is that HCT?.... the latter sounds right), which I personally thinks sucks... I think that my 135/90 would have adjusted itself if I dropped the weight I gained, but after not dropping it for a year I decided to give in to my doctor's advice... she's very nice and I don't mean to argue, but I dislike taking pills, rarely will, sorry doc...

what else has this body gone through?... I've also passed a few kidney stones (ouch)... they seem to come every ten years, 1980, 1990, 2000... I shall do my best to remember to drink even more water than I do in 2010... otherwise, my colonoscopy was clear and my cardiostress test was good (the cardiologist walked out telling me I was wasting his time... some bedside manner, huh?)...

yes, the word popularity has negative connotations, but it's still a good feeling if it's not the shallow wanna-be hangers-on type of popularity... I love attention, but I prefer meaningful attention so I'll happilly take being popular with a few good friends over stage popularity...

and there, dashed, go the dreams of being Elvis...

>I got
> matched up with a list of guys who I crossed off
> mostly because they were looking for someone very
> attractive, or were extremely religious, or had some
> obsession like football or cars, or they didn't want
> to get involved with anyone with kids, etc. In those
> kind of things you get a list of hundreds of people
> and you can be very picky. I don't consider myself to
> be a candidate for really picky men.

like I said, or should have, men are stupid... physically I am attracted to fitness because laziness and unhealthiness do not appeal to me... I am not comfortable in my own body when I feel bloated and lately (temporarily, I hope) I've felt I've been neglecting my body... I think self-love is essential for comfort and loving others and my insecurity (yes, I do have some, is that ok? lam) rises when I am feeling less physically fit, active, agile, flexible, confident...

if I run up to your place this weekend, by the time I get there I should have dropped the excess baggage around my waist and be feeling great... but then, maybe I should start with a few miles before I tackle another marathon, aye?...

I confess, I love food... chocolate is my nirvana (yes, I still do drugs... chocolate and occasionally caffiene and by default, sugar... working night shift, at first, raised my caffiene intact substantially, but I now usually only have a sugar drink on weekends {or at great music festivals or parties} and mostly drink water most of the time... I love water too)... as for my chocolate jones, I can quit anytime, really I can...

I also love Italian foods, melted cheeses, and Chinese foods, and seafoods, and... once upon a time I was a vegetarian, a Vegan, even... a year of Vegan, several years of vegetarian, and many years of quasi-vegetarian... I never craved meat like most Americans seem to... didn't like meat or fish at all as a young child, except cheesburgers and hot dogs, but with more bread and cheese than meat... and lots of ketchup... am I rambling on about myself again?

there have been times in this life when I've had a lot more self-discipline that I do lately... times when I'd run daily and actually consciously balance my diet... I could (and feel I should) easily slide back into those habits again and I will when I feel motivated to enough... obviously, since I am rambling on about this, it's a bubble rising to the surface of my daily consciousness... wanna be a personal trainer?...

I know, it's up to me... shhhh, I can shirk a little, right?...

>regarding
> your website and your wants list... How 'bout that
> intimacy thing? That's about the only thing I miss
> about not being married or with someone. That and
> affection, and going out and doing things with someone
> who is "for" you, if you know what I mean. It feels
> good to have someone around who is on your side of
> everything.

I so agree... and I have lots more to say (and ask) but I just noticed that I must be at work in a half hour and I have not showered or eaten or even gone to the bathroom in four or five hours and it's all your fault (naa naaa, you're it)...

when I say "feel guilty, feel very guilty" you should laugh a lot... unless you want to mock a little guilt and play along for a moment, of course... I mean, we need some drama now and then... unless, of course, you want me to be serious all the time and then I promise I won't tease any more...

intimacy requires more time than we have left now... as do the rest of your words... so I shall be completely selfish and send this all-about-me portion of this response and you can call me to chastize me if you like (I'd like, but I won't tell you cuz that might spoil a good chastizement)...

I am having fun, I can only hope you're still awake...

ok, seriously, I shall do my best to respond to the rest tomorrow and hope you are still happy that you asked for my email address... somebody's got to, after all...

well, I tried seriously... I'm going to pause now before I get too giddy and make myself late for work... may this night be a beautiful night full of life and love and fun for you and all who share it with you... and that I mean most seriously...

the rest shall follow...

* or was this my wishful thinking?

** and the afterthought please: ah, but how much do you know and how much do you let yourself know?... these are the questions.being or not being the afterthoughts for all of us to ponder now and then...

*** and this is the point, like it or not, get it or not, believe it or not... and why most conversations (and relationships) come to an end, if they do... because few get it, fewer believe it, and I've yet to meet one who actually likes it in practical reality, even if they get it, believe it, and like it in theory...

**** I left this explanation in, even though I eliminated most, if not all of the smiley faces from this conversation when I put them in these entries, because if we ever exchange letters or emails, you might like to know the difference between the smiley faces as I use them...

. o O ( NOTES ARE THE NEW HAPPY PILL ) O o .
(just let me know you were here)