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2005-06-02 - 11:21 a.m.

conversations lala2

what follows in this entry is part one of part one of a two part second letter in the conversation that would have been a website called Letters to Lala (or something like that) that began and was sort of introduced in a previous entry, perhaps the last entry, and I'll just let it get underway now because I wouldn't want this to get any more tangentionally confusing or distracted by explanatory notes than it already may be (excuse me, but if you are not laughing yet, we may have to backtrack a while to get to why I am, but we'll let that be for the moment in the hope that you find some amusement in the process even if you are slightly confused and trust that you will ask if you are to know enough and if you don't nevermind)...

yes, so on with part one of part one of the two part second letter in the coversation with just one more aside which is to explain that there may be an asterisk or few in this series of entries that are excerpts from letters that would have been called (are we getting redundant yet?)... the asterisks will be asides in the thought stream that come to the surface as I re-read this conversation, ok?... yes, well, now that we've gotten that clear, on with the conversation... I am responding to the words that come after the > (and indented)...
I am loving your book so far...

ok, I suppose I could have just said "I love your book," but I am not only an obnoxiously hopeful idealistic fool who believes in the goodness of everything... I am also an obnoxiously hopeful realistic fool who believes in the trueness of everything and truth is, we've barely scratched the surface of each other's book (though you've got access to more of mine since at least 1% of my book might be online somewhere), so it is "so far" even if that disclaimer is completely bubble-popping in some way, maybe...

I'm laughing (understanding why it might take a conversation or few, since my sense of humor has been called ...

I am hoping this is not coming from ego much, it is as if my energy level or consciousness or breathing pattern or something about me is a magnet for other people because more than half the time (sometimes it seems a lot more than half the time) I will wake and start writing (quiet as a can be) and someone will appear seeking conversation or something... I barely started this email (as you see) and my roommate popped out to talk... I'm not even sure I am awake myself, so I am clueless as to how he might have sensed it (I walked out of my room, sat in my big green chair, put headphones on, read email, and started responding to this... the laptop keyboard is clickless, so that settles it, I am magical...
*end of interruption...

laugh, please, because even if I really am magical (hey, anything's possible) and a superhuman alien god-thing-type being (now we roll eyes), I laugh at almost everything I think (or say) that even remotely sounds like ego or any sort of serious self-superiority... bottom line is I think every being has the same potential for equality, if they want to use it...

now where were we?...

ah yes, I'm laughing (again... and understanding why it might take a conversation or few, or years to actually feel near completion, since my sense of humor has been called odd {or less polite terms} and I know I am irreverent and think in multitracked pathways {when writing, parentheses [and parenthese within parentheses and so on] happen} and find amusement in quite near almost everything {I don't mean to shock people, really I don't} and I found something {at least} about my attempting a semi-long-winded disclaimer about the simple phrase "so far" rather amusing, amongst the rest of my brain-farts)...

I am a child with few limits in my head and rarely do I just let myself pour out anymore because nobody seems to have enough patience to sit through my initial bursts of energy and introductory babbling to get to the first breath where I sit back and anticipate a response cuz I feel I've actually gotten to the point (whatever that might be) I was getting to...

all I ever wanted from this world was the completely unadulterated uninhibited unrestricted un-nothing (or is that everything) unconditional love and trust that I feel in me and want to give, but nobody ever gave it back (there's a woe-is-me path to follow from that thought if you're interested in pity-parties... I have a website or few dedicated to that depressive-thought part of my brain and some people do not get the humor in what they see as careful compartmentalizing of self, but that's part of the humor for me because I actually rather carelessly sort out my thoughts and writings from my perspective... anyway, to prevent this parenthetic tangent from becoming a book of it's own, I call that place {website} the land of the mostly dead {because if I was completely dead, I am pretty sure I would not have a website because I am fairly certain that science could prove that the dead do not journal or create websites, but then, everything I know could be wrong} and for the not-depressed among us it is a rather hopeful, sometimes amusing place... I go there to cry or rant or drown in my tears until I float up to the surface {which usually takes a paragraph or verse or few} and find myself laughing at myself for having a momentary unpleasant perspective and if all this is not making sense - or is not clear - just ask and I'll think more and take the thought more seriously and use fewer words in an attempt to be more concise and therein explain it better) so I am relatively alone...

I don't think that tangential parentheses was intended to take over the thought in that paragraph... sometimes the words seem to take over and tell all my secrets before I realize my fingers are still moving... more self-laughter, hoping you get it, or at least some of it (me, that is)...

I've never met anyone who did not get lost somewhere along the way once they set their mind to follow my ramblings and the only hope I have for true bonding with friends is that some people will have the same character trait (or flaw, depending upon perspective) and love getting lost from time to time...

let's see if I can find my bottom line (amongst all the bottom lines that define me, I suppose)... I am a happy child... I trust myself unconditionally to use all of my conscience energy to actualize my ideals which, in three words (for what words may be worth), are honesty without harm (there, that may be the bottomest bottom line of all... I think...

honesty without harm... my intention (there are no perfect people, only perfect intentions) is to live each moment as much as possible all the while in each action I initiate, do as little harm as possible all the while being as honest as I can possibly be... kind of a triad of priorities that I attempt to balance on the tip of the pin called conscious life...

mostly I do it without much deep thought (at least I don't think about it too much, I think), except when trying to really introduce my true self (as I know me) to someone who I hope will be a true friend... those words, true friend, sum up the closest relationship I can imagine in my personal in-head dictionary because, for me, a true friend is selflessly in tune with what you want/need and is willing to do whatever it takes (short of harm) to help you get what you want/need most... lovers should be true friends... parents should be true friends... everybody (there's that idealistic child again) should be true friends...

wanna be true friends?...

ummm, I'll respond to your words now (note the semi-sheepish glance at the sky as that slight touch of insecurity giggles it's way from noticing I was standing there naked with my arms wide open baring soul or whatever is inside to a feeble {somewhat self-mocking, but still very respectful, kind of like the bedroom scene in "What About Bob" where the kid and Bill Murray promise to be peace and quiet, respectively, if you follow that reference and get it as I do} attempt to segue into a slightly more formal thought process guided by your words as opposed to the almost completely free-form thought process {if there is one} that creates the first-reaction introduction portion of letters I write?... and that was a question?... laughter is good, especially when in doubt... or in parentheses, for that matter)... ah, one last thought before moving on to the actual response portion of this letter... the difference between friends and strangers may just be that strangers, when in doubt, find themselves in awkward silences and pregnant pauses while friends, when in doubt, find themselves laughing at something or nothing, or at least comfortably smiling... yeah, I'll try to remember that one...

> I just checked out your website, especially the "gift
> list". Considering my last two husbands cost me 1.7
> million dollars, or basically everything I had, maybe
> I should just go ahead and give you the house and
> land, or the gift card with an obscene balance, and
> get it over with.

lol (hope I am supposed to be laughing ... and ... I hope you are sensing that even in laughter, I see and respect the serious thought that is the kernel of the laughter)...

ok, (mock seriousness, eventually, we'll do away with these parenthetic explanations and disclaimers and I'll just tease you without letting you know I'm teasing you... so shhhh, pretend you don't know I what I am doing) so you give me everything and then I share everything and we live out the Elton John song "Your Song" except you'll have to charge me at least a dollar or something so the lyrics "I'll buy a big house where we all could live" will be accurate, right? (visualize the head of child inside bouncing up and down with big hopeful eyes awaiting the affirmative response)...

and now, for the mature serious response (accompanied by the appropriate throat clearing sounds, of course)... I want nothing from you beyond what you want to give (not what you are willing to give, but what you want to give) and I rarely, if ever, receive any gift, material or otherwise (and it's the otherwise gifts that have the most value for me) without feeling the additional gift of wanting to share the gift with the giver and anyone else who might appreciate the gift as much as the giver and I do...

yes, that was actually a most serious response to gift-recieving in spite of the rambling nature of the expression...

but I still like the child's idea too lol lam (did I already mention that lam is laughing at myself... I think so, but just in case, lam is laughing at myself... feel free to join in)...

>Actually, I thought your gift list
> was very entertaining and the end was hilarious.

the gift list (and the want list, for that matter, since I am not sure precisely while was meant there) are due for an update (it's been a year or two), though little changes on the latter since the want list is the serious side of what I want in life and what I want in life has not changed much since my first conscious thoughts... as for the gift list, I never finished it and I am happy you found it amusing because I meant, in the end, for it to be a mockery of materialism as much as a sincere "gift list" because one of the things I seek to do and be in this world is a representative of my home planet where stuff is just stuff and what matters most are feelings and flesh and blood living beings, like people...

the home planet reference was mostly joking, though I do feel quite alien amongst humans most of the time...

> I am a very trusting, giving soul, and I don't
> understand why all three of my marriages and that guy
> I was engaged to before all of them, turned out so
> terribly wrong. My friends tell me I am too nice.

I'll be the judge of that (multiple layers of laughter, please, for the word 'judge' deserves a garden of guffaws all it's own and... too much self-analysis destroys a good joke... oh, ok, thanks for the reminder... ahem...

seriously, it could be you have stuff... material stuff, I mean... and you appear to love to give and seeing you with your child, I sense you love to nurture* ... this is most attractive to little boys who want a mommy (and many of us supposedly grown men out here secretly want nothing more than to return to the irresponsible boy-child life of playing all day and leaving responsible stuff for someone else to deal with... but rare is that truth to be told... except maybe in specialized women support groups, with or without the men-bashing aspect of such gatherings)...

while it is your eyes and smile and calm, comfortable presense that I like about you most, my irresponsible little boy inside notices you have a big house and lots of stuff too and it would be pretentious for me to say that's not attractive... men, I think, are generally very lazy creatures... that's why I do my best to be honest about (and conscious of) my flaws cuz then they are less likely to influence my decisions... yeah, unfortunately, that really spoils my greedy subconscious little boy plans to take over the world and have everyone serve me...

I want to visit you again and hope we can become true friends because there's a sparkle of wonder in your eye and love in your smile and some sort of glee (gets challenging to describe stuff sometimes) in the way you stand/walk around absorbing the environment and life going on around you - all the while maintaining focus (mostly)...

there is part of me who wants you to adopt me and let me write and sing and create and garden and love everything (of course you included, but remember that this is the most irresponsible and uninhibited and rule-less part of me that must not be allowed to run completely free because there are laws against it... lam, even as I'm serious) without having to punch any sort of time clock or hold any sort of responsible job or have any sort of independent income...

I actually tried that last paragraph on for size in the real world, taking on the full-fledged house-husband-parent role and believing it was the ideal role in life for me... and it was ideal until she dumped me and I realized I actually was a completely dependent spouse with nothing, no money, no credit, no property, hardly any identity that mattered, and because life was her and family so completely, friends were long gone...

getting past my own traumatic crap and personal experience, what is most scary is the realization that most women, until a few decades ago, stepped out of their parents homes and into such a completely dependent, identity-less life on a routine basis... shivers...

anyway, while I know my greedy and selfish little boy just wants a mommy (I never really had one, boo hoo, ya know?), there was more to the motivation that lead me into that level of dependency (here's where the fool comes out... you might know the fool, the one who attempts a rational justification for complete dependency as the fairy tale actualization of unconditional trust and true love?)... I truly believed that being a stay-home parent and supportive spouse was a complete and fulfilling and worthy role to live in this life and ultimately I was motivated by my selfless altruistic nature just as much, if not more, than by my little duck, I mean boy (reference to the story about the little duck who wandered around asking everybody if they were his mother, if you recall that childhood storybook)...

all this to say (oh, there's a point beyond introducing myself in all the foolish capacities I can be?... ummm, yup), I ask nothing more from you than honesty without harm... and whatever we mutually decide to share as we come to know each other, I will strive to be as honest as I can be about myself and my motives and hope (and sense) you will too...

yay for that (lam... I love the fact that I sense I can yay for both of us... too presumtuous?... too much wishful thinking?... probably, and yet... I sense you actually might understand and appreciate me enough to accept me as I am and {here's the eerie part} I sense I know you well enough {reason goes out the window now} to believe I can trust you unconditionally and even {leaping face first} believe your reactions might be similar enough to mine so that when I feel a YAY! moment, you might be feeling it too... did I mention I am a rather hopeful child?)...

I was responding to your words, really I was...

there is no such thing as too nice... there are such ways of being that are too gullible, too blinded (by hope and wishful thinking and subconscious desires and whatever), too much a martyr, or too self-effacing (I think), but too nice, no way (and maybe your friends were being nice and not using the other "too"s mentioned, but hey, there's still no such thing as too nice... so there (time for a tongue to stick out?)...

>I don't think that's entirely true, because when I am
> unhappy I make it known.**

and yet the boy, acting on the secret boy-greed and selfishness, places his happiness ahead of yours and might have a moment or few where pangs of guilt or genuine concern for your feelings rise up and give him cause to pause, but then his selfish motives win because, after all, if you really love him then you want him to be happy and if he's happy then you'll be happy so just get over it and in the end, the end will justify the means and you'll be happy too...


actually, it's probably not completely gender specific and there are probably little girls just as selfish and greedy as little boys, but then, I don't recall ever being a little girl so I don't presume to speak for a whole gender I'm not... heck, it's even presumptuous of me to speak for my whole gender, but I figure I've got enough experience to make these educated guesses and pretend they are great wisdoms and insights into the nature of the male species...

a-hem (the occasional throat clearing is a good thing)...

while I am relatively self-aware most of the time and I am fairly centered, feeding off my own internal energy source (called love, happiness, hope, or whatever word), I believe I am (at times too acutely for my own good, perhaps) in tune with those around me (empathic?... perhaps) and do not find my happiness completely satisfying when there is unhappiness around me***...

my inate perspective on this universe is that everything is connected, that there is a counterbalance of energy that somehow makes everything part of one "thing" and there are moments when I sense my part in it all, when I feel (imagination or not) the light of stars, when I feel photosynthesis producing oxygen, when I feel life around me and sense we are all communicating in some most basic way through that connective energy...

coming back to consciousness, the obvious physical world sadness or dissatisfaction (any negative energy) of people around me, no less people I care for, is a feeling I ignore only at my own peril for it hurts to become that insensitive that I can overlook it and pretend negative energy is not there (not to mention the people feeling it)...

I am far from perfect (and have lots of proof, just ask) and I don't even try to be (I hope), but I do try to stay in touch with this energy sense as much as possible most of the time and I do try to actualize my highest ideal, honesty without harm, and that keeps me balanced and happy...

I hope...

>I am not good at making
> demands, though. I do know that I am very easy going
> and none of these guys thought I would ever leave
> them, no matter how much unhappiness I communicated to
> them. All of them took me for granted, took
> advangtage of me, didn't give a crap how I felt, etc.,
> but as soon as I left them (and I left them all) they
> were heartbroken and begging me to come back.

yay for your inner strength and self-esteem... a lot of people just submit and live those lives of quiet desperation convincing themselves that there is no way out... on one level I wish those sad experiences never happened to you and yet, maybe they were necessary in your growth process (I try to tell myself my nightmares were necessary to mine...

by the way,... is different from :) ... in that... is a happy unfettered smile and... is a deeper "Charlie Brown" type smile, maybe a little sheepish, but much more an satisfied acceptance that kind of says "I've learned to live with that"****...

and now you know...

> the hell?! I really think there is something about
> the Y chromosome that makes men not appreciate
> something unless they can't have it.

very possible... I think it's that selfish little boy who grew up believing he was destined to grow up to rule the world and be served... I think that gender stereotype is still very much ingrained in our cultural psyche and, I think, is the root of much of the "evil" (greed, corruption, prejudice, ignorance, fear, war, suffering, inhumanity) in this world... I think a world where the female of the species was more dominant would not necessarily be perfect, but I believe it would be a very different (and from my perspective, better) world...

and then I recall the old axiom that power corrupts and absolute power corrupts absolutely (now where was that axiom when I was becoming a dependant spouse?... ahem and all), so who knows what follies a predominantly females-in-power world would create... I just know that I, for one, would be more than willing to find out...

but ultimately, I'd vote for as complete a balance as possible because hopefully the differences would help eleviate some of the follies before they too root...

meanwhile, from another perspective, I was always fascinated by the physiology of the brain and almost went that route in school (would probably have been much more lucrative than a psych degree... but then, even as I laugh at the though I do think it's only money and love the direct helping of people one-on-one I do in my work)...

note to self: check the library for the latest studies on how the brain actually works (of course the punch line is there is no such book, but I think you know what I mean)...

and the thought of your work comes up in my head... doctor?... medical?... specialty?.. intellectual interests?... what's your work really like (the joy and rewards and the boring, even unpleasant details)?...

>I am looking for
> someone who thinks I am absolutely great, sees all the
> fantastic qualities I have, loves to be with me, and
> will never ever let all that wear off. I'm sure it
> can be done.

wow, you are an optimist (lol lam... and even as I tease you and laugh at my own child inside who believes the same thing in spite of all the evidence to the contrary... I serious love this about you.. you simply must be my friend... I'll stand on my head and say please until I fall over if it helps...

>I AM a fantastic person, just ask my
> friends. I don't have any enemies. I am genuinely
> nice to everyone. It is important to me to be with
> people and I really like to do all kinds of things and
> I'm never a buzz kill. That ought to count for
> something.

you do realize that you are, in this world, very easily too good to be true, don't you?

ok, the teasing comes from the jaded side of me... I don't make my decisions based on the hurts and cynicism and thick skin I've grown over the years, but I do sometimes hear whipporwills singing "so lonesome I could die" in the back of my brain and wonder if I am the only one... I hope you come to understand that my most biting teasing is reserved (and meant for) me to cut through my thick skin and wash away the hurts and tears and jaded cynical clouds that sometimes form before my eyes... it works too...

now the child (the good child, not the evil little boy) inside wonders why you have to live an hour away and why I couldn't have lucked out and found you living right next door so the logistics of getting together to continue the getting to know you process (and song) would be simpler...

my inner child thinks in simplicities sometimes...

can we get together soon?...

my inner child is also rather impulsive...

and smiles a lot...

and digging deeper now...

>I AM a fantastic person, just ask my friends.

am I, I ask myself most sincerely?... yes, I think so, thought the definition of fantasic is subjective and I have very few friends, none who truly know me, to ask (alas, this is life, sad as that sounds, but it's a temporary isolation I hope...

I love me and feel I deserve it...

>I don't have any enemies.

I don't know of any, though there are people I feel I took more from than I gave and would like to balance that someday... there are some unfinished songs in my life that I would like to finish writing, but then, that might be exactly as it should be to keep me hungry to write, to love creativity, to continue sharing and striving to do better every time I do...

>I am genuinely nice to everyone.

this is my intention and I feel like I accomplish it well enough to satisfy me... I think (think?) I may have a closet perfectionist lurking somewhere inside, but like ego, I laugh at it a lot...

> It is important to me to be with people and I really like to
>do all kinds of things and I'm never a buzz kill. That ought
>to count for something.

I don't know if I'm never a buzz kill... I don't remember any time I meant to be, though in my work I may seem to be more often than I'd like... and I suppose having to pull the plug on bands cuz the cops come might be considered a bit of a buzz kill, but then, I sometimes read way too much into words and I do get the sense of what you meant... intentions are where everything begins and I already feel like trusting yours... without clear logical reason, I believe in you...

>You were saying that you have a secure
> inner self. I do to, but I literally come from some
> kind of chronically happy, emotionally strong, too
> stupid to be sad genetic stock.

I love the way you describe yourself...

and the core of me, the child who sometimes feels buried by the weight of the world, the insensitivity, and my own stupid mistakes, loves the words because it describes me too... if a tear falls at this thought it is because I was foolish enough to let myself stay alone for long enough to let a little self-doubt creep in and cloud my view... all better now...

>That is what attracted
> the previous men to me, but I feel that they spent a
> few years each trying to "break me" to be either like
> them (depressed or crazy) or subservient to them, and
> it didn't work. I had a point when I started out there
> but I can't remember what it was.

lol... yay for losing yourself in sharing with me (I'll take full credit for being so enchanting and mesmerizing, of course... and there's the ego I love to mock)...

now that ego and you have been sort of introduced, I hope you'll laugh at him (yes, definitely male) as much as I do (and please tell me straight up if he is ever going too far)... I love the cartoon Pinky and the Brain because my ego definitely wakes up each day answering the question Pinky asked at the end of each show (if you don't know the show, it's Pinky asking: "so what are we going to do tomorrow, Brain?" and Brain inevitably answers, "the same thing we do every day, Pinky. Try to take over the world!"... Pinky's ponderings are irreverently hysterical... like Monty Python humor)...

anyway, love me, mock my ego, it's all good...

on a serious note, I don't want you broken or subservient... unless you're already going to the kitchen for yourself and don't mind bringing me something to drink... or chocolate...

and I'll do the same...

>Anyway, I am not a
> bitter, stilted, introverted mess like I could be. I
> am at the point in my life now where I am not looking
> for just any relationship. I am waiting for a
> relationship to come along that improves the quality
> of my life (which right now is quite good), or screw
> it. That's why I told you that it had been a long
> time since I was really interested in anyone.

time is relative... at seventeen (or was it sixteen) I fell in love... I was already in love, or so I thought, but I had not fallen cuz falling was a completely unintentional choice that I felt I had no choice in choosing (makes sense to me)... I broke the heart of my first girlfriend (of a year) who remained my friend (and we still have some contact today... I have been loved beautifully at times by amazingly wonderful people) and broke other hearts and ultimately broke my own... I am still in love with her, or at least in love with the feeling of being in love forever that she came to represent... but then, my first girlfriend was when I was four... she was four too... I started kinda early...

I almost fell in love a few more times, though the mutuality was not the same and it was brief and turned out to be more usery than love... people seem to get those two confused a lot... I don't think I do...

I was still hoping that teenage love and I would get back together some twenty years later... in the meantime I had a mostly wonderful relationship with a best friend who I, after ten years, left as I said I would do ten years earlier... she believed me, maybe didn't want to, maybe bought a house with me because she wanted to hang on to me and not as the investment we agreed it was supposed to be (she steadfastly refused to move down to Florida where the house was), but we remained friends until I did a horribly stupid thing...

after living alone in Florida for a few years, I thought I fell in love again (and maybe I did) and dropped everything... the house went into bankruptcy along with credit cards and I lost touch with her... this is the primary source of any self-doubts and depressive feelings I have in me, that I could become so blindly selfish (and desperate) that I could leave someone else in such an irresponsible and insensitive way... it hurts a lot... it is the only reason I even consider returning to the financial game (I used to play the stock market and have a lot more material wealth) is so I could find her and make her life much easier by dropping a large sum into her bank account... and yet, that might not be best because I might just be looking for an easy way out of feeling guilty and so I live with it... it reminds me that anyone, that I can choose to turn off my good sense, my awareness, my sensitivity, my responsibility, my caring for everything and get that stupid and cruel just so I can give myself completely to someone else...

what goes around does come around though... that dependent-spouse relationship that left me with nothing on the street?... that was what I left everything behind for... the monetary losses I pumped into that relationsip were not quite as high as yours, but I stopped counting when it got into six figures... all that mattered was that I found love again and was accepted into a family that let me call them mine and vice versa... it was my dream come true, my euphoria...

to be called daddy was the sweetest sound I ever heard...

alas, I told you I was far from perfect...

you are welcome to listen to all the details I left out and encouraged to ask any questions you might have, but I'll pause the tales of my relationship history now on that happy thought... the worst nightmares end in a happy thought for me, for even if all I did was learn something, that's good...

my point, I think, in response to your words, was to suggest that time is relative... closure on that last relationship was about five years ago... I've not felt like becoming involved in an emotional relationship to actually open myself to one for that long... I hide behind my libido, which has a rather narrow spectrum of love-at-first-sight criteria... I distract myself with work and those around me... I intellectualize... I lose myself in rambling irreverent babble...

I'm real good at it...

not proud, just real good...

and all the while the child inside plays in the moment... the more mature romantic heart sobs and wonders if I'll ever let it out again outside of romantic rhyming (have you found candora yet?... it's a diary-type site where my heart dreams... hey, I'm not quite stupid enough to let it die)...

most of all I want a best friend again, someone I can trust unconditionally the way I trust myself and my intentions (at least I think I still trust myself, I know I still trust my intentions unconditionally and I think that's what matters most)... I think that's the most important foundation of any relationship...

so I had two adult relationships, no marriages... the first was entered with the understanding that I was still in love with my teenage love and the second, my proposal was refused due to many complications that might be somewhat unbelievable if it was turned into a TV movie... I've created no children I am aware of (and doubt any surprises are out there and can count the possibilities on one hand)...

I don't think I'm bitter or stilted or introverted and I think I deal with lingering hurts or cynicism with my irreverent sense of humor well enough so that it does not guide me...

and waiting, the hardest part, is what I seem to be best at... as much as the child inside of me jumps up and down screaming and waving and yanking on my shirt tails as impatient and impulsive and excited as ever with every moment if possible sharing and loving and joy for life...

shhhh, that's our little secret...

and the laughter in that last line comes from knowing that I just might find myself putting the words you inspired here online in my BIOS somehow because I think (and thank you dearly for inspiring it) I've done some serious introducing of myself so far... but then, that could be ego tricks too...

anyway, the joke is (you've probably gotten it?) that I hide nothing, write my heart out to the whole world on the web, but often ask everybody not to tell anybody as if I'm shy or keeping my dumb mistakes and life a big secret...

I've got to allow myself some narcissism and imaginary friends, I suppose, or I'd get awfully bored being alone and wanting to share so much... make any sense to you?...

as for interested in anyone... I can fall in love in my imagination at the drop of a hat with words, with an image, with a picture, with a song, with a smile, heck, with a body part even (though I am not usually so superficial)... it is scary sometimes realizing how open my heart remains while my brain is well aware of what can happen to it out there... but that's one of the things I love most about who I am, to use your words, I am too stupid to give up...

I do not know where we will go in our coming together, but I do know I want to know you and hope the sense of trust and closeness develops into a beautiful and true friendship...

corny as that might sound...

> people you get a vibe right away that they are too
> conservative, too religious, too cynical, too burned
> out, too fastidious, too into looks or money, too
> boring, too into beer, too something. I just don't
> feel like putting in the effort to get to know them.

yes, yes, yes... yes yes... yes... oh there you go seducing me with logic and reason... too closed... most people are too closed to sharing honesty (as if being honest and real will somehow make them less likeable or something) and it's work just to try to get to know them even if they want you to... most people are too wrapped in they fears and insecurities to trust themselves to just be, to open up and think and feel and share and accept that some people will like them and some people will reject them and that's ok...

my feet are clapping to think you understand that...

let's talk politics or religion or heartbreak or disillusionment or neurosis or appearances or economics or navel lint... let's talk about the highs and lows and good and bad and fun and not-fun we've been through... we can be brief (I know I can be, believe it or not, on some subjects about which the world seems go on endlessly) or we can ramble on until our words slur and we're drooling on a pillow, or the ground, for that matter... quick thoughts on the subjects...

politics, I have little interest... my social conscience has gone to sleep... somewhere inside I know this is not best for the world, but then, I doubt my job is to save the world (even if I once thought it was)... I am not into categorizing anything and probably would be considered ultra liberal in many areas and somewhat conservative in others, but then, I am not always sure what is right for the human race as a whole and am rather happy that I am not asked to decide...

religion, I have little interest... I am, if I must be labelled, a happy agnostic... I'll happily hug any god or God or representative of said diety with all the love and trust I offer anyone (as unconditional as I dare) and welcome the god to tell me what its all about, hoping he, she, or it does not run on too long and that there will be a question and answer session afterwards where I can get whole honest answers to whatever I ask... I think what people have done with religion is a crime against any good spiritual being that might be out there and most of the stuff makes no sense... I believe all religions have overcomplicated themselves in a greedy and insecure quest for power and they, like anything that is fear-based, are misguided and sad and cruel... all in all, I tend to avoid religious folk unless they've somehow figured out how to keep their minds open within their rules...

I can be quite cynical, but I hope it comes out as satire and not as depressive... George Carlin makes sense to me a lot... so does Steven Wright... I love the irreverence of presenting cynicism or any contrary view in an amusing way... I tend to have fun with cynicism...

I think I was close to burned out a couple of times in this life... I've left myself hanging out there quite a bit farther than most might even imagine and yet, there's this place in me that enjoyed the learning experience of being homeless and taking a handout as much as I enjoyed being in a powerful chair giving instructions to those around me... I enjoyed jet-setting and having the means to take five years off from the working world to dance and sing and explore myself and the world while still living quite comfortably too... and losing everything (the sun going down on me) was horrible and yet, somehow suddenly there's the stars and the moon and the dark is beautiful too... I know my energy supply and hope supply is not endless, but I forget that sometimes...

fastidious is usually not me... though I have been called anal retentive by supervisors and managers who genuinely have no clue as to what they actually want me to do (or what they ought to be doing themselves) as a hospital and behavioral system auditor (which is one of my functions on the job these days) and explaining the potential for privacy violations or the cost effectiveness of some systems over others or the dangers of innacurate or inconsistent charting of medical information or the ineffectiveness of inconsistent reinforcement in a behavioral program seems to go over their heads, though the mention of a potential $250,000 fine for a HIPAA violation seems to get their attention...

I can pick up after myself (and love showers and staying clean), but can sometimes let clothes pile up in the corner too... fastidious is such a big word (laugh?)...

looks... ah, have you met Libbo?... I mock my libido by naming it as if it was one of the the Marx Brothers... I do know what visually appeals to me sensually and sexually and I do know what appeals to my heart and spirit visually... I do know how to dress up, have a few thousand dollar suits in storage (they've been there for ten years, wonder if they're any good anymore... don't tell Hugo Boss) along with $300 shoes and ties that would pay for a good meal at a fine restaurant... I've been in a suit once in the past ten years and that was to give someone (Mellissa) away at their wedding (she adopted me and calls me daddy and I promised her mom I'd always be there for her... mom's gone, she lives in Chattanooga, TN for now, and I'm still here for her)... I don't mind dress up, and probably would get into doing something new with my hair since it's been the same for years now, but people are inside the shells...

that said, I can still lust after young fit bodies without guilt or shame because I intend to be a good dirty old man when I grow up (laughing, but I did put that into words in school a few times... the teachers were not at all amused, except one who laughed and told me to call her when I got older)...

money... it does make many aspects of life easier and can reduce some stress, but it also becomes a magnet for users and creeps (down cynicism, down boy)... when I had it I was never at a loss for people around to go places with, to do things with, to agree with me, to laugh at my jokes, to call themselves my friends... when I lost it all, I was almost completely alone... money brings out my cynicism...

I prefer to be existential... though not wasteful...

boring is in the eye/mind of the beholder... I don't bore myself too much and hopefully I can find a few other people who agree...

beer... I've decided that beer commercials are proof that beer makes people stupid... I mean, the concepts, the reasoning, the props... sophomoric locker room humor never appealed to me too much... I remember Animal House and laughed, but wouldn't go out of my way to make sure it was in the time capsule I'd pack if I was to be deep frozen and awakened in a thousand years... I know alcohol well and have little interest in the chemical, though I do not preach abstinence and might drink some occasionally with a friend now and then... other drugs, I've tried almost all of them (I was 13 when the first Woodstock was done), but the only one that ever held any interest for me beyond the experimental years was marijuana and I may have
passed a bowl or joint around 2 or 3 times in the last 14 years...

I prefer my brain's homemade chemicals...

I usually find people too afraid, too suspicious, too nervous, and often too selfish to really get close to... I did not get that sense with you at all...

so I can be too wordy, but then, that's an endearing quality sometimes to some of us...

(just let me know you were here)

see me - - - feel me - - - touch me - - - heal me

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the moment

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