>It's Monday morning, when I start a new week and look
>at the "list" and plan ahead and look at things in a
>fresh way, etc. A couple of things about you/us
>popped into my head and I want to run them by you so
>you can ruminate/obsess about them (ha ha) before you
>write or call tonight.

I may not be as predictable as I appear...

my habit, at least for the past year or two, has been to come home from work and relax in my recliner (the big green chair to my web folk) either with music in my ears or the TV on (I'd say 80-90% of the time it's music, unless I am really tired and just want to fall asleep) and my laptop on my lap... I write whatever is in my head, browse some diaries, journals, and wherever my fingers take me (usually randomly, thought there are a dozen regular stops at least once a week, maybe a few dozen once a month)... unless I am really into something, I usually fall asleep before noon and sleep until I wake which is usually before 8pm... lately every few days, I spend an hour or two checking ten fantasy baseball teams because I love numbers and statistics and that is what those games are based upon... and in the evenings I usually listen to Precious tell me about her day and write a diary entry (depending on how much I actually wrote in the morning, I might write more or less or nothing in the evening)... this week Precious is in Europe and instead of indulging myself in my written worlds without any distractions, I've given you her time and my evening online time and most of my morning time... yes, feel special...

I used to have an hour or two at the gym and/or on the trail tucked into the morning routine, but the hurricanes blew that part of the routine away last year and laziness has ruled since... on average, I see a movie a month, sometimes two... and I'll eat a restaurant meal a few times a month... a few times a year I see a play or something else, but that's the extent of life for me as I recall the last few years... I've been to the beach a few times... the festival and one trip to Chattanooga are the only out of town excursions...

this sedentary travel-less lifestyle is unique for me and the daily writing takes the place of the social life and activity I used to have... I've known my roommate for years and her's my closest friend, but he's more sedentary and has less life than I do... to his credit, he works 70+ hours a week, usually six days, and add in a 30-40 minute travel time to and from and he's got little time for a life... me, I've just gotten bored with people and lazy with myself... I put out a request on my diary for a companion to go to the festival with me and someone who also writes a diary responded and was all set to come up with me (which is why I bought two 3-day passes)... she backed out at the last minute due to health reasons and I showed up on my own and decided helping out would be more fun than sitting in the rain by myself... the deicision to go by myself was like flipping a switch in my psyche that opened the doors to sharing more and opening my social life to meeting more people and whatever changes that might bring... little did I know the festival host was such a cool person and we'd be getting close like this... so much for a good old fashioned mid-life crisis playing-the-field ego trip (dang, do I have to wait until I'm a hundred and one to have one of those?)...

>1. I like that you are emotional and think and are
>honest and are right there. But you are SO the above
>that maybe you can't turn it off and maybe I won't be
>able to stand that every day. Sometimes I want to be
>a vegetable and just be. Maybe it will irritate me
>that you will ALWAYS want to know what I am thinking
>or how I feel?

I'm always (relatively) on, but I have learned to focus myself on (and be quite happy with) solitary activities when I am alone and/or when others want space (or when I do, cuz I might sometimes want some, not being perfect and all, ya know...

I vegetate sometimes, stare into space with music in my ears or at the world around me or at a movie or TV, but most often when left to my own devices (or told to go find some) I'll find myself at a keyboard happilly typing out whatever comes to mind as if it's important for posterity or someone to know exactly what is on my mind at any given moment... my sense of importance to the human kind and the universe may be distorted, but who knows, my last line of babble may be all there is between complete entropy and the next big bang... and did I mention I have a ridiculous ego?...

ultimately I am quite self-contained (too much so for most people) and at a point in life where finding a best friend, true friend, unconditionally trusted friend is a whole lot more important to me than finding anything else (not that I don't still lust for life in many different ways, but finding the trusted person who shares the feeling of no longer being alone in the world, finding someone who cares enough (and has enough in common) to really want to (and take the time and make the effort) to get to know me as well as two can know each other is my highest priority and greatest desire... it's probably, at least in part due to the fact that I've never known true biological (unbreakable-bond) family and I'd like to know that if at all possible... someone to look out for me, take care of me, search for dreams with me, and help me figure out what I truly want at this point in life and how to get it(and that's what I offer in return)... I think that is the most important relationship I can find (maybe cuz I've never actually known it)...

all that to say I do my best to make no demands and accept what is shared and when I want more, I write about it and you are welcome to read anything I write when you come out of your vegetative state (did I set you up there for a tongue sticking out?... well, I'll accept the my sone in return one of these days when I'm vegging out (and you can just store the words in your head if you don't want to write them down...

>2. I have never been much into the internet except to
>email and check the weather and order stuff. I don't
>surf.

I love the internet and surfing is a favorite pasttime... it's interactive literature and art and TV (sometimes benign, inate, superficial and silly... sometimes profoundly moving, educational, and rich with possibilities for life-building ideas and connections)... after all, I found Phil and SA through the net... I think the net is becoming the great human encyclopedia (maybe even the hitchhiker's guide to the galaxy...

>I always felt that people who spent a lot of
>time on the internet (e.g. ex 2) were avoiding
>real life and were getting all their human interaction
>from a box, either the computer or TV.

and that is where we agree... anything can be used to avoid life and responsibility and intimacy and the 'real world', the net is just the latest great escape for those who have always sought escapes into other people and external stories... as I said, interactive TV... I would want you to tell me if you thought I used the net or anything as a way of avoiding life too much because that's not my intention in this life... I use the net as I use books and videos and other external stimuli, to vege, to learn, to amuse, to explore the world, and to entertain me, especially when I am alone...

think of the last book you read that you just did not want to put down and felt you had to tell someone about because it was just so much fun or so powerfully moving or meant so much to you and you hoped someone would understand and get into it as much as you... well, on the net there are millions of people, potential friends, and the probability of finding someone who relates is much higher than in daily life... and the reverse is true too, when I find something on the net that moves me, astounds me, teaches me, something I want to add to my personal library (it is mostly printable text and visual graphics, after all... fiction, non-fiction, art-books), I want to share it with someone offline who'll appreciate it and get what i got outof it...

I love learning and sharing and so I see the net as one more vast library to browse and find mind-food in (and I love to browse libraries... I built one of my own once... and sometimes dream of living in the library of congress...

but the net is, as are books and movies and TV and anything material and external, there to record and enhance life, not to replace or become it...

>I think it is
>cool that you have websites and like to write, but is
>that your life?

no, not my life... it's a record of life as I know it and a way to keep my mind active when I am alone or when nobody is staying awake with me... writing is my meditation, my therapy, my catharsis, my creative release, my personal sanctuary when needed, my frivolous fun when time permits... I think everybody should have a way to focus themselves and should do it for a few minutes (like meditation or prayer) or sometimes a few hours or days (like a retreat, spa, vacation)... writing (and music) is my way to maintain the balance in my head...

and somewhere deep down I dream of writing words that speak the truth to everyone, words so compelling that everyone must take notice and feel so moved that they make positive changes in their thinking and actions enough so that the whole world changes for the better... we all have dreams, that's one of mine...

did I mention I love the Don Quixote story? (especially the musical... I adore musicals)...

>If you try to give it up, even
>partially, to spend more time with me, will you resent
>it?

probably not... my potentially arthritic fingers and forearms with budding carpal tunnel syndrome with thank you...

and if I feel the urge to write more than I do, I will let you know... honesty... and I don't hide (at least I don't think I do)...

>When you get irritated with me, will that be
>where you escape to?

quite possibly writing, especially if I have anything to say to you that I feel would be better put off than stated verbally at the given moment... but if I ever feel I do not want you to read something I write I will let you know that... I do not see that happening as I live with nothing to hide and like it that way and really do not want to change it...

I do love to write and sing and listen to music... and a major aspect of how I share on every level, with the universe, with myself, and with any friend or intimate, with the one especially (as I've been writing to her almost every day forever) is through the written word... to truly know all of me, read all of me (for I find out things about myself this way too...

> Will I be someday pleading with
>you to put the damn computer away and look at me?

I doubt it'll happen often...

seriously though, two perspectives... one is that I hope my written words mean enough to you that you encourage me to write and share (you don't have to be the editor of my dreams, or even keep it interactive, but loving me is loving my words in my mind)... and the other is that I do not want to be alone, I do not want to live a life on paper or on the net or in words... I want to share with people and remember, above all else, I want to find that best friend who understands me and is on my side (and vice-versa for her) and that is not found in words or online, that is found in eyes, in smiles, in human flesh and in-person sharing...

> In
>3 years, when we finally KNOW each other and we are
>really ourselves, what will life look like?

no idea (I don't know what this weekend will look like)...

>I have to
>have real people in my life. The only unreality I
>really like is books. And a lot of the books I read
>are non-fiction, so that isn't even unreality.

I'm a book...

sometimes fiction, mostly non-fiction...

so you really like me...

>3. I have squeamishness today about getting involved
>with someone. I don't know where it is coming from.

mine comes from 1. past memories of betrayal of trust and abuse of love and 2. my libido and instinct and personal preferences on various levels that remain very narrow and 3. changing a lifestyle that I've grow accustomed to and generally like a lot and 4. pre-conceptualized pitcure in my head of my personal soul-mate the-one... probably more if I thought more...

>Do you ever get a feeling and have to think on it and
>struggle with it and hash it over for days before you
>finally go Ahhh! that's where that is coming from? I
>think there are several sources but I can't tell which
>one is the Real one yet. Parts 1 and 2 above are
>possibilities.

first and foremost I want to be your friend, true friend, no-secrets from each other friend, so I hope I can help you explore all your struggles and hashes and get to your ahhhh! whatever and wherever they may be as much as possible...

> Also, I feel closer and closer to you
>all the time and the closer you get, the scareder I
>feel.

trust grows (or at least the desire to believe we can trust again) and that is scary because of... lots of reasons...

>I love falling in love and being in love and
>building it up, but the downside slide (or trapdoor
>drop as the last one was) is devastating. Do I want
>to take that chance or do I want to motor along with a
>relatively peaceful satisfying, although somewhat
>sterile, existence?

yeah... torn between two lovers (the feeling of falling and roller coaster... and the safety of the latter... both are appealing, but the latter is "so lonesome I could die" time too often)...

>Also, I will have to tell my
>friends that I am "seeing" someone and all that blah
>blah blah that goes with that. (However, my friend and
>husband 2 think you are really nice already and my friend says
>he approves. It isn't that I require their approval
>but they know husband 3 well and they worry about me and
>my judgement).

this pleases me, even if we're jumping the gun on ourselves...

>And other stuff like will it irritate
>me the way you brush your teeth or will you leave all
>the lights on or will arggghhh.... Maybe I just drank
>too much diet coke this morning and it has made me
>un-calm. I am awaiting your assessment.

I gave you some assessment on the phone (so maybe that's why I'm so brief here now... or maybe it's lack of sleep... I'm not sure where exactly my brain is at the moment, but it's definitely wierd in my head)...

update on life - I forgot that I had an 8 hour annual training scheduled on Friday until 4pm... I'll try to get out a little early, but that means I had to stay awake all day today (Thursday) to do laundry (and have not actually tackled cleaning house) and will be going on my second day of no sleep come Friday evening (with just a few hours on the previous few days) as this fifteen consecutive days of work finally comes to it's end... if I had any sense I'd say I'll be up Saturday morning, but we might as well learn right now that I have no sense when it comes to making any sort of impression (first, second, or otherwise) and may have deliberately (subconsciously) set up this absolute naked-sleep-deprived-brain state for my first appearance in your space as an invited guest (as opposed to my absolute naked-sleep-deprived-brain state for my first appearance at your property at the festival)... did I mention I prefer to live with nothing to hide? (did I mention I understate things for amusement?...

are we having fun yet...

I'm laughing at myself, hope you're having fun too...

(still have one more email here to go, maybe tonight at work)...

. o O ( NOTES ARE THE NEW HAPPY PILL ) O o .
(just let me know you were here)