maybe the best way to explain where I've been is to provide some of the conversations I've had during my time away from daily entries (I mean, since it does not appear there will be enough to actually create that new diary I mentioned somewhere along the way)... however it turns out, meeting someone new involves introductions and this will also give you yet another opportunity to get to know me, just in case you actually want to know me... and besides, this is a really easy way to fill in some entries so we can maintain the obsessive compulsion to have an entry for every day as if this daily diary would somehow implode or be something less than a daily diary if there was not an entry for every day (even if the dates get a little fudged in order to actually present the appearance of an entry for every day... but we won't get into the metaphilosophical ponderings of the space time continuum and the relativity of it all just now since we had some sort of plan {didn't we?... I mean, I'm not all alone in this mad dash to create the diaryland experience, right?... you write yours, I write mine, we read each other, that's how it's done... so we is the correct pronoun after all... and you thought I might have been going royal on you or something, didntcha?)...

anyway, I must have mentioned, or hinted, or somehow suggested that I was actually exploring a social life offline... that's why you've not had consistent daily entries here... since I went through the process of attempting to introduce myself to someone in the real world and I want you all to know me too, you can eavesdrop on our conversations (at least the written parts) in the next few entries here... or perhaps it'll be a series that continues from time to time as the conversations continue (and we hope they will, right?)... perhaps I'll provide background down the line, but for now, let's just jump into the first conversation and see what we find...

I have parts of my innards that are rather badly damaged goods and trusting is an amazing experience I seldom seek out any more, but I love the fact that I still seem to be able to do it in spite of the cruelties and betrayals and losses I've known in this life... I would like to, based on a little talk, eye contact, and your willingness to trust/know me based on whatever it is you saw or heard, know and trust you and call you friend...

I smile when I think of your smile...

that was a rather vulnerable thought for me and I laugh at myself for this paragraph that is probably more self-reflective than is appropriate for a first letter to a relative stranger, but then, appropriate is irrelevant when being real and friends are real (if we must clarify, true friends are real, so I'd like to call you true friend... yes, there's reason for the self-reflection... clarity is good sometimes)...

I ponder my self-doubts sometimes (doubts I've developed at great expense through acutely stupid mistakes, of course) and at this moment as I write this paragraph (which must be one of those times) I wonder why you'd want my email address and whatever I might have done or said that would inspire you to want to keep in touch or even be my friend or true friend or (did I mention I ramble off into uncharted depths?) family (I have no biological family, so all who I claim as family are family by mutual adoption)... there is a part of me that always wonders "who me?" whenever I get any attention... and the secure childinside laughs...

that secure core of me is hopefully the main aspect of my personality and behavior and hopefully that's mostly what people come to know as me... it's that part, that 'childinside' as I call myself, that considers running around like a nut (sometimes overwhelmed by stuff to do) fun...

I think life is a roller coaster of emotions and experiences and the best we can do is learn to enjoy every twist and turn and climb and fall, for better or worse... and I hope to always try to do the best I can do...

(the closet philosopher speaks)

ok, this could go on forever, but you might run away in fear of the madness or simply fall asleep out of sheer boredom so I shall pull in the reigns on my opening and relatively aimless babbling and turn to your words to offer up an actual response to what you wrote...

> I just found your email address last night. We don't
> use the "red room" too much. Then I couldn't email you
> from home because the phone line into the computer
> room is down for some weird reason. I think we have
> ghosts.

I love the idea of ghosts, though I prefer to hope that they are not, as so much literature portrays them, souls trapped in chains of howling and haunting agony... if there are ghosts, I'd like to believe they are just manifestations of whatever energy we might become after we leave these bodies and they are free to travel through and beyond time and space and I suppose your amusing aside was not meant to inspire such metaphysical pondering, but...

ok, so I babble... and maybe I think too much too :)

to the point, time is relative... the intent to communicate as demonstrated by your asking for my email address and initiating the email is a wonderful feeling for me at this moment... there's a line from Robin Hood that goes "there are no perfect people, only perfect intentions"... I try to believe that and trust in a friend's intentions (it makes for much better friendships for me :)

so thank you for wanting to communicate, to know me, to be my friend, true friend (if that's not too presumptuous of me) and please be assured that whether you respond today, tomorrow, next week or longer, your words will be just as appreciated and welcomed here :)

hope I don't smile too much... I do not use this colon-half-parentheses thing all the time... hope you don't mind that you inspire them :)

and looking into me, I tend to shy away from email due a very long story that I'll try to sum up in a few words:

words, trust, love, commitment, felt I found everything, betrayal, felt I lost everything, dead inside...

ummmm, too terse or cryptic? (ah, the futile attempt to keep it light may have failed me, but maybe we'll laugh anyway)...

ok, words mean a lot to me (understatement)... I've been writing ever since I can remember holding a crayon (I write lots of rhymes and in recent years keep journals online)... and meeting and getting to know someone through written words used to be one of my favorite pasttimes... in fact, I used to publish pen-pal type magazines...

flash back to the early nineties...

the last time I fell in love it started on paper (snail mail) and after three years we met and moved in and adopted each other (her four kids called me daddy)... me, being the foolish child in love that I was, left a house in Florida (and all the bills and responsibilities) and took all my savings and credit cards and made a home in Toronto because she wanted to live there... a couple of year later I had nothing left and complications set in and, cutting to the chase, I found myself closing my eyes to sleep on the streets of Buffalo, NY wondering if I really wanted to wake up again...

I am happy to report that I did not completely die (the child tries to keep a sense of humor) and I've been picking up the pieces and putting some sort of life back together and except for the nice retirement nestegg and some chunks of heart and soul, I seem to be back to my all too idealistical optimistic hopelessly hopeful romantic self (which probably makes me certifiable, but then, they have to catch me first...

and that was the shortest I've gotten that story yet?... lam... lam is like lol, except that while lol is laughing out loud, lam is laughing at myself... I find myself lam a lot...

I think my point was (if you are rolling your eyes and wondering why in the heck you ever wrote to me, I apologize for taking up so much of your time... but if you are smiling or even amused with me at this getting to know me rambling, then thank you and I owe you own huge hug...

I still twinge when I start believing in someone, when I start trusting someone to be a friend, so please understand that my habits of avoiding email (which I will do my best to overcome) and real trust and intimacy have nothing to do with you and I do want to know you and be your friend...

wow, heavy ghosts I've got, huh?...

interjecting here for a moment to point out that I will be editing out some of the conversation because it's not fair to expose all of someone else's parts if they don't want to and since I am not sure if she wants me to or not I'll not for now... so this is one of those edits, just in case the rest of this entry seems at all incongruous at this point... seen as a whole, the excerpts from the letters should be an introduction to me from a more personal point of view, or at least a different perspective than purely diary writing... so let's overlook the incongruities if there are any and continue (feel free to let me know what you think about this or that or me, even, cuz you know we love feedback)...

ok, so now back to the conversations...

one of the saddest parts of life for me is the fact that I did not create kids... I cared for a few for long enough to feel like they were mine and it hurts to know four are somewhere in Toronto kept out of touch with me by their mom... the good news is that one who grew up here in Orlando (and now lives in Chattanooga) and who asked me to give her away at her wedding, still keeps in touch and calls me daddy... especially when she needs something...

I think that my ideal purpose in life is to nurture... it is what I feel I do best and what I love to do most... that's why I chose health care and child care as a career throughout this life (except for the nineties when I took time off to explore my creativity, wander aimlessly exploring life, and generally having fun)... my most personally rewarding life was when I was a stay-home dad for four kids in Toronto... that's also the most vulnerable I've ever been in every way... I tend to give everything (and I mean everything, which left me with nothing more than once) and I don't particularly wish to change (it goes beyond wisdom or folly for me and as much as I laugh at the vulnerable way I am, I also respect it)...

it is odd to be me sometimes, impulsive and free inside and still striving to learn some reservation or whatever it is that people expect in social interactions... I just get a feeling and go with it like I am doing here (at least I used to)... as brief as our eye contact and conversation was, I have the feeling that I know you and you like to know you and trust you and... I said all this already, didn't I?...

well, it's not like I organize my thoughts into a cohesive essay when I write letters... I just write what I feel and hope the words mean something beyond my brain...

> It was great meeting you last weekend. You seemed
> to be the only person working hard all weekend who
> didn't seem stressed out or grumpy. That is a big
> asset for you.

thank you... and thank you for noticing... I'm even less stressed when I get a little sleep, but pulling all-nighters is part of a party weekend for me...

I didn't feeling like any of it was hard work (though the break-down Monday in 90 degrees reminded me that I should do more serious regular exercise...

whatever I do, I find the fun in it (and it's in there, it really is... it's just that sometimes it takes more imagination and creativity and even some craziness to find it...

and here we are... becoming friends?... hope so...

I took the opportunity to introduce myself a bit here and hope you are ok with that... if I pour out too much at once, just let me know (telling me to shut up works...

I hope you feel comfortable sharing yourself with me as I'd like to know you... what really matters to you, practical reality (with all it's little details that might seem meaningless or boring to anyone but a real friend) and hopes and dreams...

as for knowing, me, I'm an open book and pages turn relatively randomly... just ask questions to turn pages that have not turned yet... and most seriously, no question is off limits - you really want to know, just ask...

. o O ( NOTES ARE THE NEW HAPPY PILL ) O o .
(just let me know you were here)