and just when I least expect it (or should I expect it because I have my annual check up this month and that has been a good impetus for my subconscious to find enough motivation to get on a scale and get to the gym (where the scale is)... so I worked out twice over the weekend and laugh at my current condition (because laughing helps more than crying over spilled milk) even though the fitness test on the treadmill comes back with a rating of excellent (sad state of the human physical condition and expectations of those who are in the fitness industry if you ask me) and hopefully will continue (to exercise and to laugh)...

now the challenge is to continue getting to the gym and to get enough sleep while working the hours I've been working... today and tomorrow (and every Monday and Tuesday) are days I won't have time or energy to get to the gym (unless it's late Tuesday afternoon as soon as I wake up)... by the time I get off work after this seventeen hour shift it'll be 4pm and I'll have slept three hours out of the previous thirty four hours (I wanted to enjoy a Sunday for a change) so the gym would not be a good idea... I seldom get right to bed Monday afternoons because I am usually hungry (there's not really time for food at work during the day) and wind up listening to Precious for a while... so if I get four hours sleep on Mondays I am lucky... often it's less and when I wake up early on a Sunday and only get three hours sleep since Saturday, by Tuesday the opening of my eyelids is strenuous exercise...

so Tuesday morning I try to come home and collapse, but that hasn't happened in recent weeks because I've stayed at work an extra few hours and then get home hungry and eat and don't get to sleep until noon or later... so I am looking at Tuesday evening and recently I've tried to be awake by 7pm to watch Dead Like Me because I love the lead character and am enjoying the premise so far (I watched it briefly on Showtime when it first came on, but I lost Showtime when I moved that year... and had been looking for the DVDs in the library (to no avail) and was happy to see the show come on the Sci-Fi channel... I am getting into the show following it, Eureka so far as well, so for the first time in many years I have a TV night that I enjoy and actually try to be home and awake for...

yeah, I know, must take care of the body... but some casual mental exercise is essential as well... so... if I wait for Wednesday after work, the motivation might not be enough to maintain the habit (that has not actually become a habit yet)... these double shifts have been sucking up my energy for half of each week, and yet, the extra money is helping me give away more money without hurting myself (I think... I don't want to look at my bank balance for a while, actually)... and here we come to the crossroads...

live to work and give more away... or work less and say no to people who need money help... one of these days I should probably consider some sort of retirement planning since I blew all that back (and I was pretty well set too, alas) in the late nineties... ah, the things we do for love... or whatever it was... in any case, I am now, speaking as the comptroller of the corporation known as me, without any sort of retirement fund or plan at all other than continue working, collecting whatever the government might give me, and perhaps getting a metal detector or start buying lottery tickets... and laugh a lot...

if I accept living alone for the rest of this life, I could be quite happy in a shack on a nice clean beach... so I see one road ahead leading possibly to a comfortable home and partner and family and modern comforts and luxuries and that looks sweet, though it is dependent on others and much giving up of time... and I see another road leading to being the weird old beach bum who everybody wonders about, but nobody really knows and that has a sweet peace and freedom and independence I can enjoy... so where's the compromise?... finding a partner who not only shares the enjoyment of the stress free life away from the work-till-you-drop world, but also enjoys the existential liberation from the stresses of the material world... yup, I need to find a nice cute energetic beach bum girl who wants to grow old with me...

ah yes, a sleeping bag for two in Hawaii, just need temporary use of about eight feet by four feet of pristine beach and a waterproof tent for when storms come around... some savings and social security should be able to pay for food when we don't want to fish or each natural foods growing around... and if we want to go all out, we could work and save enough for a little piece of land fertile enough to grow some food and a camper to sleep in (or if we have enough for luxuries like gas, maybe even to wander around in now and then... a vacation from beach bumming)...

of course we don't have to live on the beach, such blissful simplicity can be shared anywhere... and come to think of it, an old used motor home or trailer or even a station wagon parked slightly off the beaten path in a warm climate would be great...

ok, so I suppose I've narrowed my chances of finding a grow old along with me partner to extremely slim in our materialistic, carpeted, air-conditioned, indoor plumbing culture... but there must be somebody who isn't enamored with the so-called life of Riley and consumption-addicted version of the American dream...

and when she shows up, I'll be right here waiting...

meanwhile, returning to the great lazy-ass cop out I almost sold myself earlier... even after not sleeping for two days, thirty minutes on the lifecycle is probably possible, healthy, and better than caving into fatigue and whining about not having time or energy... focusing on the potential health risks of exercising with minimal or no sleep for two days is just the kind of spiral thinking that'll drag me down into the blind alleys of helplessness and lethargy that lead to feeling old and waiting on death... nope, if I'm gonna die today, let me die running or feeling the adrenaline and energy of exercising this body instead of feeling mostly nothing but sorry for myself and burdened by the weight of the world...

yeah, that's the ticket (let's just hope it isn't a ticket to the coronary arrest home or the last stroke corral... shhhh, think positive)... yeah, I can do thirty minutes at a light pace, say Level 10 or maybe even Level 8 on the Lifecycle... I can keep the feeling going for one more day (three in a row) and reinforce the habit (thirty days in a row and it's part of the routine the subconscious expects and therefore does without resistance or much effort of conscious thought)... so maybe I'll wander over to the gym and kick my heart rate up past one sixty for thirty minutes after this seventeen hour shift that started with me getting only three hours sleep during the seventeen hours prior to starting this seventeen hour shift...

I wonder if that is the coffee talking...

well, there are twelve hours between then and now, so we shall see what happens then when then gets here... until then, I've got about two more hours of babble time so I think I'll write some free form nonsense just to amuse my mind and keep myself awake (and if you find amusement too, all the better)... I shall hopefully come back tomorrow and fill you in on what happened... and remember, if you are of a similar mind and want to join me (at the gym, on the beach, or wherever), just let me know you exist and we can talk about our plans for the rest of our lives...

or the weather, if that's more interesting...

love yourself J

. o O ( NOTES ARE THE NEW HAPPY PILL ) O o .
(just let me know you were here)