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2005-07-13 - 1:47 p.m. busy signals I mean, don't all rush to the phone at once now... as if a day or two did not pass since the last entry, or was it three... a moment feels like eternity sometimes... turn it on, open up, let it in, dare to experience the awesome sensitivity of being alive... in this world... as it is... so whatsup my peoples?... yeah, I'm full of the cheer here in spite of the ambivalence and self-defeating loops... hey, am I fitting in yet?... any wonder why people feel uncomfortable around me when i get real?... well, if there is (wonder), then lucky you (and me) cuz you haven't felt it yet... that, my dears, is the simple difference between intimacy online and offline that can only be understood after experience both... bah-hombs bursting in air... distractions, yeah, it's like a crazy world where thoughts come flying out of nowhere from so many different directions that divergence is the norm for the insane (among us) and those who dare explore the limits of the human psyche and experience... who me?... did you ever feel, at any point in your life, like seriously singing some old Linda Ronstadt songs?... I mean from her first four or five albums (yes, they were albums back then)... I used to wonder how someone that adorable could possibly be singing Desperado and When Will I Be Loved (to name a couple)... ah, show business... this entry is a stretch of the imagination, an incorporation of an amalgum (spell that?) of stuff conglomerated into a rhapsody of odd words merged by happenchance and mental soddering into a fluid that is at once mildly soothing and severely abrasive, a dichotomous conundrum of incongruous concepts and materials forged in science and dedicated to the proposition that all hearts are created equal... what it is ain't exactly clear there's a fool on the hill over there and a pinball wizard with a very blank stare it's time we stopped, hey, what's that sound? everybody look what's going down I just want you all to know that just yesterday all my troubles seemed so far away and now they look as though they're here to stay but that is, of course, just a mood swing, a momentary perspective that may or may not be reflective of the overall truth beyond our current comprehension in this space time continuum and yet I need somebody's help but not just anybody's help because I need someone because when I was younger so much younger than today I never needed anybody's help in any way but now those days are gone and I'm not so self assured and I wonder (I wuh-wuh-wuh-wuh wunder) why and was love really such an easy game to play or did it just seem that way?... heck, did it even seem that way?... I dunno, I just work here... nobody ever really loved me like she does me you know, you know, you know my name look up my number meanwhile, over in email, SPAM sucks... people, well, I just don't understand them... never have and never could... just when you get to know them, the less you think you should (who you?), they don't mean the things they say or say the things they mean, I mean, you've got to try to find the message somewhere in between, but songs make such easy friends all you do is sing along and the truth is you can't stay a stranger to a song... unless you don't hear and tune out the vibrations and don't read lyrics or want to feel anything, then maybe you can be completely alone even in a world of emotions and music... but who would choose such a life?... What About Bob? perhaps the people sending out SPAM do... or perhaps that is what I wish on them, but then, no really, because I wish no one any harm... I just wish they'd stop spewing their sugar coated lies and be real... people too, but then, I try to live without any expectations in this world... expectations lead to disappointments... hence, no expectations means no disappointments... there are those who might claim that without expectations, there can be no excitement... this may be true, unless we claim that anticipation is not the same as expectations and may or may not lead to disappointment... of course if we anticipate something with excitement and it does not happen, we might experience disappointment therein as well, therefore this theory may not be worth the wish it washed in on... how many of you are still out there?... how many of you will tell me why? why do birds suddenly appear? love is a crazy game why do fools fall in love? why must I be a teenager in love? when will I be loved? when will this song rhyme? what is going on here anyway? and just when I was submerging into and rather distant galaxy far away, the lights go on all around me and Precious appears, on que, with phone attached to her ear, only to leave the lights on all around me... kitchen light... bathroom light... bedroom light... and let's stand in front of the fridge for a while... it's late in the evening and time for all good little girls to eat before bed... such healthy habits, it's sadly scary... but I love her, fool that I am... fool mostly because I succumb to my own devices and do not set any kind of roll model myself these days (omigosh, seriousness... we must fix that... it's been a very stupid year... yes, that's it, the hurricanes did it... the hurricanes blew in a dam nasty case of stupid)... and if I pause now, all might be lost, but she had a thought that was exactly right: If you weren't half so busy complaining about what you're doing to yourself, and what other people are doing to themselves, then you could use that half to actually fix what you're complaining about, and start setting a good example for others. notes can be very enlightening, especially when geniuses leave them, even when left elsewhere and I think it was she who said something about how wonderful it might feel to come around and share bits of life and have lots of people care enough to leave comments and converse and such (which reminded me of her so much I reached out to hug her and nobody was there... strange feeling... and I pondered the phenomenon of online popularity and comment-conversation... does it take instant messaging and actually sharing conversations more and on the phone and offline, even?... well, I am still willing... yeah, another Ronstadt blast from the past, though perhaps from the periphery, still of the same era... and I dream a bass will join me?... yeah still, but also I dream an ear will join me in listening to it all... if only one more time)... and perhaps I dream too much too... and he has long hair and a beard, he must be a pacifist and what's in the pipe that he's smoking? he sneaks into your house at night, he must be a dope fiend makes you uptight? why do police guys beat on peace guys? imagine I dunno, but should a President of anything, no less the USA, really smirk so often?... seems to me we've had almost two decades of smirking from the White House, maybe more... is it a movement?... but that's besides the point... jump start, anyone? I've got to go to work now...
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