well, this week has certainly been a roller coaster around here what with most of the voices in my head blurting out whatever the heck might have been laying around in my head without much concern for where the words landed... no sorting into other places, just plain old blurting and blathering...

was it good for you?...

I wouldn't know much about you as I've turned off my psychic reading abilities (no, I did not give up my psychic powers for lent because that joke seems too old to tell right now) and slowed in my reading and exploring your writings, at least in the past week or two, to little more than those of you who leave notes or reach out to me in some way... selfish, perhaps, but sometimes the time is used this way...

and I continue rambling so that it is rare that any entry remains up front long enough to be read by more than a few people (or maybe a few dozen on a busy day, I don't know how reliable the stats might be) so the vast majority of you probably just shake your head wondering what the heck I am rambling on about most of the time, especially as most of us, yes I too, can not afford the time (or just don't want to) to sift through all the words and the links within links to read all the references and the deeper stories within the surface babblings...

stepping back a moment and using my perspective, I see that since mid-June, this diary has fluctuated a lot and if I had time I'd have probably written many more entries for my other writing places for as exemplified in just the last few days, the heart cries out to be heard, the darkness seeks light, or at least understanding, and the ambivalence is high all around me and so much is left unfinished...

and who actually follows all the links to read all the related words to get as much of the message I attempt to send to understand what might be understood at this moment?

my hope is a blessing for me...

it's blurting, yes, and blathering, much, but somewhere in the words, I am... and here I am hoping to be found... and here I am hoping to be found by someone who wants to come out to play... and here I am hoping to be found by someone who wants to come over and become a friend... and here I am hoping to be found by someone who wants to share the time to truly start to understand... and here I am hoping to be found by someone who actually wants to create an unbreakable bond... and here I am hoping to be found by someone who is a soulmate... and here I am hoping to be found by the one...

so many people, or one, que cera sera...

and on the surface, in recent entries, I offer a few ways great to interact... even as I am at the low ebb of my interactive bio-rhythms, I pass along the precious opportunities to share in the temporary attractions on the left... the blogathon (here)... the compliment (here)... and the petition and the survey...

don't mention it...

or do, as you wish...

we all have lives, some busier than others, some emptier than others, some more personally satisfying to each of us than others... most of us want something... and those of us who pour words onto the public web sometimes express what it is we want, sometimes covertly or obscurely, sometimes blatently or clearly... and if we are lucky, someone responds...

I want to thank the few of you who respond, and yes, you are a relative few in the scheme of things... you are precious and few, as a song once said, and I wish there were more and better ways to thank you than by putting these words out here... I wish I could somehow capture the emotion in my tears of joy when I am feelng low or when I am feeling dire hunger for attention and I find a note or some other message from you... I know I avoid my email sometimes (sometimes?), but that does not diminish the emotion of finding words there...

I feel blessed knowing you are out there...

I wish you could understand the experience I've known in this life... the euphoric highs to live fondest dreams as easily and naturally as if they were the only way, so meant to be that they could not be avoided no matter what... the unbelievable confusion as those dreams fell apart as if they were made of sand or clouds that no hand could hold on to for more than an imaginary moment... the devastating lows that followed the loss of all tangible evidence that those dreams ever existed... the abuses of so many, friends and strangers, who through some survival instinct or perhaps perverse pleasure, choose to kick those who are down... and above all else the infinite hope that was there from the start, through it all, and right here and now, in spite of the profound loneliness and vast silences that attempt to fool me into thinking that nobody cares and that giving up is inevitible...

giving up is not inevitible for me... and I care and I am somebody, so somebody cares... and that voice that seeks to hear and see and believe the worst is wrong... and I will remember that... and I will remember everything... and I will continue hoping... blurting... blathering... rambling... babbling... rhyming... obscurely... unabashedly... any way I am able... I will continue hoping...

I know you're out there somewhere...

and every song I can remember, every word I've ever shared, everything I am will hang on to that hope in spite of the prevailing winds, the floods of depressed thoughts, the suffocation of apathy, the discard of ambivalence... I shall ride the waves of irreverence and float on clouds of fantasies until the moment arrives when I am sharing again...

whether you relate more to my downbeats or my heartbeats or my pastbeats or the present I lay before you in this diary (or any of the other colors of my literary rainbows, it's all fundamentally the same me from different angles, at different times, all I am today is all I've ever been and can bring to share in this moment, and most of all, through your eyes...

what you see is what you get, what you get is what you want to see...

even when you close your eyes...

especially when you close your eyes...

and the hope that the one who sees all I see, feels all I feel, and wants to share all that can be shared and more at times, not as some curse or burden or Moaning Myrtle eternity, but as the opportunity to share the moment and in each moment, build a bridge across forever, finds me... with eyes wide open... with arms wide open... and without any of the ironic or cynical hypocrisies we euphemistically call only human today...

no imaginary ways to shirk responsibility... no crutches... no avoidance... no denial... just being honest and open and true and real not just to the best of our ability, but to the pain and beyond, to the limits and then further, towards infinity...

I will not give into the thought that I might be the only one...

I am... so it is possible someone else is too...

if you are feeling the lift in the words in this entry, feel free to use it to keep yourself afloat if ever you find doubt or fear weighing you down... if you are relating to more, have time for more exploration, feel free to use the contact information on the left... if you are laughing or crying, feel free to tell me why... and if you want to talk, feel free to call...

most of all, feel free to be all you can be...

I am out here to share, to listen and hear, to feel and to learn, to do each in turn and to know all I can about being human... to find what is true... to share it with you... this is what I do...

and whatever you do, I shall continue...

may you feel blessed today.

. o O ( NOTES ARE THE NEW HAPPY PILL ) O o .
(just let me know you were here)