thinking about yesterday's entry and realizing I did not truly dedicate it to the inspiration (and feeling very distracted and unfocused at the moment), I just want to add this... writing from both sides, from Ben's thoughts of Anna, from Anna's thoughts of Ben, from both of their fantasies and emotions, it reads as much as fantasy (or conversational novel) as it does a true life story... desire can be both, and may be best served in equal measures.. she serves romance and true love so well, it does not matter to me whether Anna and Ben are real or not, I'll believe in them and their love nonetheless...

and speaking of lovers in love and exceptionally beautiful people and inspirations, clarity is beautiful (the concept, yes, but the people writing the words even moreso)... long may you love...

and speaking of love and segues, I love knowledge... and I love the knowledge that comes from this... thinking about films and why they made an impact on your psyche... I think it should be a meme, but being that I do not like making people feel any sort of obligation for anything, I'll just call out you, dear reader, to list the five or ten or twenty or more films that made such an impact on you at any age, but especially the peak impacts that have stayed with you forever... and why you think they live on in you... it's not the same as asking which ten films you'd pack if you were going to leave Earth for the rest of your life and had room for only ten films, but it's similar... choose either potential meme... or not, you don't have to be a dear reader, ya know (did an evilish horn pop up from behind my ear just now?... naaaa, I don't mean to trick you with guilt bricks, I mean trips, just do it if it feels right for you... and to prove it, I'm putting off my doing it until it feels right for me, so there)...

for this moment is a deep blah...

not your common everyday blah, mind you... this moment is blahier than most because I feel sick... the rare consumption of two pills took care of last night's headache at work, but today I woke up feeling deeply blah... body aches... feverish... hot-cold sweats... scratchy throat, threatening to get all out sore...

yes, some people can sing "I woke up in love this morning"... as for me, I'm singing the blahs...

the blahs run much deeper than the body though, as some of you know well... the underlying causes are those I ramble on about a lot in many ways (some cursory, some flippantly, some lazily)... the loneliness of life without an intimate partner, the emotiness of existence without the one, the sadness of failing to connect with people when I really do try, the sense of rejection, the excrutiating lack of time for vital endeavors, the laziness, the apathy, the lethargy, blah blah blah blah blah... etc... and so on...

and the bugs...

I wrote something a long time ago called Bugs... I was sleeping on a beach, Jones Beach on Long Island, NY, to be a bit more precise, and awakened repeatedly by bugs flying around my face... the rhyme went something like:

it went on for several verses and turned into a protest song for the anti-pollution rallies I use to go to regularly... it was a time when more people about life in general and it did not take a glamour-cause-celeb to get a group together to sing and cheer good ideas and protest bad ones... anyway, I thought of those times and the bug song because of the bugs that we've been living with for a week or so here at casa de candoor...

I think I found a major source (other than the pipes and garbage disposal and trash and sauce drips on counters and the floor and crumbs all over the carpet and the roommates habits that leave all of these things as food for bugs)... there was something under the counter next to the sink, perhaps potatoes, perhaps something else... I think they were perchased when our German exchange student was here, which would be months ago... they were in a large plastic bowl and somehow got buried by plastic bags... hundreds of plastic bags that the roommates accummulate from shopping trips and stuff in the cabinet under the counter just to the left of the sink...

the bags were wet and full of these little black bugs and eggs and little black bug homes... and after masking my face and placing cotton in my ears (because these swarms of little black bugs tend to see human orafices as fun places to explore), I discovered the bowl with soupy stuff and thousands of the little black bugs... the kitchen became dark with the swarm and I scooped up all the bags and the bowl with the dark soupy stuff and headed for the door.. some of the swarm followed all the way to the trash compactor garbage bin on the property two buildings away... it would have made a great scene in some scary movie Attack of the Little Black Bug People or something...

I grabbed a large industrial-sized can of OFF! that I luckily had purchased for the planned camping trip and festival (but did not have to use because I forgot it, yup, left it home and bought new bug spray up at the festival) and sprayed myself, then the air, then my bedroom and bathroom, then the big green chair and surrounding areas, then the kitchen, and finally that under-counter cabinet... the little black bugs did not appear to like the shower of OFF!... they did not just up and die though... or fall and die, for that matter... aye, the ethical delimma...

I showered, I went to the big green chair, masked and re-showered in bug spray, and fell asleep... waking now, some eight hours later, I see little black dots everywhere... some are still flying around, but most have succumbed to the deadly cloud of spray... I imagine my scratchy throat is not helped by the stuff... nor is my general lethargy and feeling like the body is fighting off some sort of cold-flu bug...

bugs are very aptly named...

anyway, writing this has helped dissolve some of the blahs and a few nights off work would work wonders, but we'll see about negotiating those tomorrow if I stay awake to talk to the person who can help negotiate them... I've also got to remember to stay awake to call my doctor's office back because they've left several messages while I was sleeping and I don't know if it's just to confirm the rescheduled appointment for my annual routine check-up coming up in a couple of weeks... since I had my routine annual check-up labwork done, they may be calling to schedule another labwork cuz they screwed up the first ones or cuz they didn't like something they found in the first ones and want to confirm... mortality is a potential blah-inducer too, especially when I am hoping to still be a good catch for the one and healthy and all that hormonal-chemical-attractive stuff if she ever shows up...

mostly I just want some time to myself, which is not readily possible here these days what with Precious off school and Rasputin working much of the time she wants rides or attention and work demanding extra hours at random intervals with little notice and relative poverty trapping me in this work-life rut...

blah, see?...

then there's this belly... my abdominal muscles are screaming last gasps as they drown in this blubbery substance that has risen from my gut... it's not protruding enough to notice in baggy clothing, but it protrudes enough to get in my way and that's enough of a protrusion to bug me... so ultimately, I am bugging myself and there's the rub... laziness, loneliness, blah...

this is a test...

this is a test of the emergency blahblah system... in the even of a real emergency, true friends will pick up the phone and call with reassuring words of caring and/or wisdom (preferably the caring) and laughter because stupidity deserves to be laughted at... after sufficient self-pathetic tears as we blink in foolish disbelief than anyone might truly care, especially when so deep in blah, mutual laughter ensues and the hope that some gathering of mental energies and caring (did I mention caring was the key ingredient?) might inspire some physical action that changes the path of lethargy and wakes us up inside (music not optional)... if you understand, you will know what to do...

this concludes the test of the emergency blahblah system...

we now return you to your regularly scheduled programming...

is there no greater influence and inspiration than love?... yes, of course, and when it happens to a friend there's the mixed feeling of loss and jealousy, loss of the time that the friend will now be devoting to love and jealousy over not having such a wonderfully blissful sharing for yourself (those are the bitters)... and the sweet pleasure of caring for someone who is genuinely happy and in love (because the feeling spreads like creamy peanut butter and sticks to everything it touches and smothers the bitters (and distracts from the bugs) and brings the dream of euphoria back into focus), that is the sweet and oh what a wonderful sweet...

and that is where I am headed now... away from the daily grind, away from the obligations of the dollar and life based on the rather oxymoronic term of "making a living", away from the loneliness and blahs and all the downbeats... I am heading into the bliss of an hour in the shower... ok, so maybe a half hour, or twenty minutes, but sweet bliss it shall be as the hot water demands all the focus I have so I do not burn my skin and yet wake my skin up to feel sensation... and then the cold water washing all the sweat and tears away (along with the mucous in the head) and hopefully, the bugs trying to bring down my immune system a notch or two... it usually works, when I remember I can do it... and then do it...

I hope you have a way, all by yourself, to find your way out of your blahs when you find them smothering you... it is a precious knowledge to possess, a secret only you can know and experience, a power over everything outside of your head and body in this life...

and when in doubt, when the emergency blahblah system is needed, remember that you can call to receive caring as readily as you can call to give it... when you're down and trouble and just need some love and care, you know where to find me... yes you... I care about you... and one of my secrets to kicking the blahs is to be needed, to remember I care by actually caring... to be able to give someone some of the positivity and love I always have in reserve inside... so if you let me care about you, you help me too... and the more desperately I appear to need it myself, the more wondrously inspirational it is for me to give it to someone else... it will help you remember too, if you let it... so?...

I hope this entry has imparted some knowledge you might save and consider important, vital even... there is nothing in the way but our own blahs...

the number is over there on the left...

. o O ( NOTES ARE THE NEW HAPPY PILL ) O o .
(just let me know you were here)