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2004-05-08 - 7:58 p.m. this is why I avoid the news I rarely hate because it is such a useless emotion... it seeks no compromise, offers no quarter for peace, it only destroys, for hate is not only the absence of love, it is the welcoming of harmful thoughts and potentially harmful actions... above all else, do no harm... that's all I ask of myself and anyone as a bottom line... and if we can not do it, if we can not life in peace without harm as a bottom line, what's the point of pretending we are good?... I believe, ultimately, everything we do is corrupt when we accept or allow or do one corruption of our bottom line... can we make mistakes, definitely... I've made some that will likely haunt me forever... can we atone?... sometimes, if circumstances are right, if those we wrongs will allow it... but should we, in our fear of being inadequate or wrong or unworthy of love and goodness that leads to self-riteous hypocrisy, justify and defend our mistakes, the harms we inflict on others and ourselves?... many do... I detest the act of justification and more, I can not express the emotion I feel when I see or hear that cruelty is not only justified, but the fodder for private or public laughter... but it has been going on since, well, probably since the dawn of time in human minds... humans disgust me sometimes... what brings this on, you may ask... why is the usually flippant and carefree and irreverent writer of this rather narcissistic daily life diary almost raging against the machine tonight?... maybe because that part of me that accepts being human is ashamed of my kind... it is not what he said about it or even what he might have meant that is scary, for fools are not scary unless empowered... it is the likelihood that he will be even more popular for saying it with those who would empower such inhumanity... who are the invaders, the terrorists, the amoral madmen out of control?... seems to me there are enough of them on both sides to make no one in the right... ultimately, though, where do our borders end?... so are we saying cops who are shot at or firefighters who risk their lives daily can find themselves a nice helpless teenager and rape them in the name of blowing off steam?... maybe just on really bad days, huh?... ok, returning to the selfishness of the little bubble in which I contain my relatively meaningless life, deep down, I may be quiet upset with myself for my choice to drop out of the human race... I may even detest the part of me that tells me I can rise above human stupidity and atrocities... I may even hate the voice inside that uses logic to justify the premise that I am not responsible for anything other than my own actions, that I am in this life on this planet temporarily and not necessarily by choice (oh please give me other reasonable certain options for conscious existence) and the rest of humanity, each individual, must learn what is right and wrong for themselves in their own time... maybe... it still makes sense though, beyond the religious dogma of brother's keeper that I think is meerly a means for some who seek control to attempt to control others... I make my choices, I live with them, and all in all I am very happy with myself... there are some moments, however, when I wish I had the power to say just turn the damn light off (for the whole let there be light idea seems to have gone way too wrong to repair... I probably would not do it though... two wrongs do not make a right... and above all else, do no harm...
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