I can probably disappear, that is, vanish from the face of the Earth and the fact might not be noticed for days, maybe weeks... maybe that's an exaggeration... and at some points of this life it might have been an understatement... truth can hurt...

I get very lonely at times because I want to share so much and I have nobody around who shares most of the things I want to share most... for instance, who is truly moved by the Kirk monologue from the film Free Enterprise (or who knows what I am talking about, for that matter)?... who can get as into the chord progressions and counterpoint dialogues of classic music as they can into the meaning of lyrics of popular or obscure music or emotional drama of romantic tear-jerkers like Sleepless in Seattle (for one example) as they can into the underdog against all odds escapist action adventure like T2 or The Fifith Element (for two examples) as they can into the profound silliness of The Marx Brothers, Three Stooges, Laurel and Hardy, Chaplin, Keaton, The Simpsons, South Park, or Beavis and Butthead as they can into sports statistics or video games or trivia or bio-engineering and gene splicing and squarks and relativity and string theory and unified theory and Stephen King or Douglas Adams or Charles Dickens or Richard Bach or Dr. Seuss stories... just to name a few interests I can get lost in for hours...

how can all of me belong anywhere?...

and I have little idea which part of me fits in best anywhere (largely because I do not limit myself much and have not figured out a way to turn off my mind and I am always finding connections and divergences between all sorts of abstract thoughts and what may seem, on the surface, as unrelated or mutually exclusive concepts or events and... well, I tend to explore and try to explain things a lot too... and forever make subconscious attempts to master understatements... perhaps you've noticed)... this may be why I have always secretly (well, maybe not so secretly... another step on my mastery of understatements?) wished for a guide I could actually trust, or an editor, or a collaborator, or a partner... ah, a partner... the oldest of dreams... and belonging... I never really have belonged anywhere...

the spark is intriguing, initially because of all the writing related links on the site, (which reminds me that I should consider updating my old links index one of these days... links pages can be a lot of work, but a lot of fun if you're into organizing info, browsing the web, and creating web maps), but I don't know much about it and being selfishly irresposible about updating in any sort of timely manner, I doubt they or any community would want me part of it... I enjoy being the elusive outsider too much, I think...

within the make up of my relatively infinite personality is an insatiable ego that is as much an extreme dichotomy as any aspect of me, with as much unfailing confidence as infantile insecurity (but don't tell ego that we know that last part, ok?)... ego wants an audience of bidillions (one of the many imaginary numbers I create at will) of hopelessly devoted fans fawning over every word... and most of me laughs at the thought that I might take the thought seriously...

but the idea of a community and belonging is something that has intrigued me all through this life (since I never experienced it in any of the usual human ways... during my little-person childhood I was always on the outside looking in {or looking wherever} and all through my big-person childhoods I've been seeking the partner who might introduce me to the actualized concept of belonging to something, someone who caould and wanted to {or is that wanted to and could} convince me that belonging anywhere in this world was right for me... I doubt anyone really knows what I mean, while probably most of you might and some may think you do, but then, what do I know) and maybe someday someone will come along and find a way to convince me to do whatever it might take to become part of something...

it is not actually that I try to ostracize myself (I think) and it is not that I do not want to be part of something, I think it is just that I never learned how to belong... for one thing, I am a literary chameleon... I imitate, absorb, mimic, (not intentionally meaning to plagiarize, ever, as I believe in giving credit to influences and direct or indirect or paraphrased quotes as much as possible, as you may notice from the number of links in my entries), and create different writing styles and therein different literary personae... just look around at some of my journals and other places in my written gardens... and I am never quite sure just how to create myself in words to best fit into and please or inspire or bring the most I can to a community... and I don't follow guides too well...

I mean, I don't like rules (it's some inate instinctive reflex... I must consciously work to follow any set of rules and I do it very poorly) and I find it very challenging to learn rules and follow them, partly cuz I am always asking "why?" and also because rarely to a whole collection of rules make any sense to me and because I love to learn and learning requires being able to think without rules and experiencing everything outside of the box...

this makes sense to me and I like my choices and the only challenge is that it gets lonely floating around freely without rules even if it is the most exciting and best way to learn about and experience life and everything... which is largely why I am out here rambling in public, for feedback, for new ideas, and to feel less lonely...

after all, I could be wrong, no matter how right it feels to me...

and after after all, when all is said and done and I face the final curtain of truth in myself in this life, all I've ever wanted was an audience of one...

. o O ( NOTES ARE THE NEW HAPPY PILL ) O o .
(just let me know you were here)