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2003-11-30 - 6:25 p.m. grazing on astroturf the shower was not as hot as it could have been and as I sat down here to see about focusing and writing something more meaningful in my more meaningful (creative?) places, Sally came home and I am getting the sports reports... it's been going on for the past hour... I was trying to read a few diaries and journals, but concentration wanes as the constant stats from who played today are announced from across the room... fantasy sports fill up another Sunday afternoon... at least there's something... still, I am being called to read and explore... Layla is intrigued by this taste of creativity and that teen in me is wishing she was here cuz the nurturing instinct woke up a bit when I read her... probably another mismatch and way too far away, but still, intriguing (and so many other diary/journal sites to explore)... thank you to obsidiabuttrfly for caring and popping back up after I disappeared for so long... once again I am reminded (and amazed at how well I black some habits from my conscious mind these days) that I still have much ambivalence about maintaining long distance contacts (and about taking them seriously) due to my own history of long distance relationships... as far as my many correspondents know, I've dropped off the face of the Earth more than once... if I had their addresses I'd reconnect, but when everything is lost in the material world and last names are not found in memory, alas... I can not beging to describe how much I appreciate persistence in active caring, especially during this phase when I allow doubts to blossom as much as they can within me... this dreary phase is getting rather old... and you may have noticed that a couple of new favorites were listed... as I've said before, I am usually a month orfew behind in listing favs in these diaries and I don't want to list the same diary in all of my diaries because there are so many diaries I enjoy I want to (eventually) have room for them all... when I run out of room I'll probably remove the ones that are multiply listed right now, but I am not keeping track of it much... even as I whine to myself why isn't anybody right here (meaning in physical space), I hang on to the few of you who reach out to me as lifesavers and signs of hope that I should not give up on humanity... the two sided coin of having a roommate is ever clear around here... he's a great guy with a good heart, but is not the one to help with my deeper loneliness and creative interests... as with Sam, my former roommate, music almost never goes on here... creative writing or creating music or creating anything is still very much missing from daily life... as is sharing anything deeper than the superficial stuff you read about in this diary... and the hunger for physical affection and intimacy continues to ring louder than the tinitis in my ears, ultimately distracting me from everything... but I am tiring of the bland pity party mood and the sugar high is wearing off and since I have to go to work in a few hours I should consider dinner and letting the influences take me toward sport TV vegetation...
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