what we have here is a failure to communicate, or simply maybe you don�t read me� this entry ought to tell you why you don�t read me as it is a few days in the life of thereal the latest and far from the greatest incarnation of a daily diary type of writing� lately it�s averaging two entries a day (past two months) and sometimes they are more exciting than what follows, but hey, like the first entry says, it�s a choice�

you are welcome to read :)

it is a choice, to share or to not share, to watch or to participate, to care inside or to care outside, to love or to let others know you love... caring is a verb, for me, an action... doing something to show someone i care is what life is about...

the opportunities are everywhere and yet, there is still a longing for a daily partner in this caring game (let not the word game diminish the seriousness of the fun of caring in your mind)... this is why i am writing daily now, taking the few moments to let you know about me every day, or more often...

i rested today, mostly slept, but also unpacked more boxes, cleared and cleaned more space, and moved in just a little bit more... it may well be that i resist moving in because i know i can be very comfortable living alone and i do not want to be too comfortable living alone when someone who can and wants to care all the time comes along...

i finally gave in and drank a bit of caffeine cuz cold turkey is not good for the head and i ate a little soup... but i do sense the change... all i need is time to myself and/or someone who cares to inspire me... maybe it is time to stop waiting and take the time for myself...

if you are out there, and you get this, cheers :)

wonder if i will actually know when i am awake again (self-mockery is a good sign)... i almost forgot how much i adore the feeling of waking after finally getting enough sleep... i'm not quite there yet, but i feel myself getting closer... and of course movement, as in vigorous aerobic exercise, as in running, is part of the equation... this weekend, i feel it coming (shhhh, don't let me jinx me with predictions... especially in the absence of daily encouragement)...

i think i am going to do more around this apartment today... i hope your day is going well and you've given yourself what you want for xmas and chunukah and kwanza and boxing day and all the other reasons to celebrate and give gifts...

and laundry... that's what today has been so far and tonight the choice is between continue, sleep, or a few activities (bowling, dinner, movie, piano bar)... i think sleep is winning as the inner clock is running this weekend (time for me is so yay)...

a lot of the stuff i have is stuff i'd probably put in a closet or garage if i had such space, and most of the other stuff needs shelving and cabinets or something to be put into, so there's a lot of re-arranging and some unpacking...

time to curl up and nap now . . . hope your day is going well too :)

back up again... the four hour cycle is so consistent once i allow the body sleep instinct to control itself... the phone rang a few, people wondering what i am doing for new years eve... and a web request that needs time for a return call... maybe i will not sit home resting this year (which is what i do from time to time) since i am doing that me time the week before this year... a group went to see yes man tonight at the imax, but i chose sleep instead... the body appreciates me listening... the mind (and ethereal me) appreciates this me time... even if it seems a little selfish...

next step is to get the mouth (as in taste buds) under control... being a foodaholic is not wise at this stage of life, or at any stage, i suppose, though i could burn off the binges a whole lot faster and easier in my teens and even my twenties...

all by myself, alas... as always, so far, at least, in this life...

the space is much clearer now and it looks big... the entry, dining, living room area is one big space about 30' by almost 14' with a 10' by 10' kitchen open to the entry/dining area, so sitting out here the space feels big when it's relatively empty... the whole apartment is just under 900 square feet, probably including the walk-in closet, walk-in laundry room, and pantry... i think the ceilings are 9', though they seem higher... all in all, the space is great, even better as i start actually moving in and making more of the space useful for something other than storage... furniture?... maybe next year :)

obviously i could have gotten away with saving a couple of thousand dollars in a smaller place this year, but who knew i was going to be loaning/giving my furniture money to others... i can say no, i just seldom do when i have... haves should not hoard, i say... though have-nots do need to learn to get and sustain their own too... where is my wise life partner again?... oh yeah, haven't found her... or him, if we're talking partnering for $ and business... and alas, i sense the loneliness wanting to bubble up to the surface... natural, as it must be felt before i can actually share all of me again (and i considering sharing all of me again?)...

why else unpack and clean up the space and take me time, aye? :)

the peanut gallery and ego think they are so clever... silly gits, little do they know they are only kids playing in the schoolyard while i nap through life... thereal me (blending the ethereal me and the physical me to reach for all of me) may wake up next year... or not, but maybe is better than no mention at all :)

so whatcha been up to since four hours ago? :)

as lonely as life can be, i love the privacy and freedom of living alone... and as futile as it is to think it'll get less lonely if i stay home (which is why i've been as busy with social life as i've been in 2008... the calendar has most, if you wanna see), this self-time feels so good...

but it's more than self-time, it is the attitude i bring to it and the perspective i maintain during it and what i do with the time... the rest is first on the list of things this body needed and this is the first time i am actually giving the body extended rest (letting the body call the shots) in years... and then, there's the positivity, the focus on what is feeling good and can be done, instead of focusing on the pains and bloat and buddha belly and stuff that can bring me down... all that fades into meaninglessness when the perspective is right because the actions diminish the negatives... what feels best is doing what i want to do because i want to do it, not because i think i need to do it...

so since getting off work on wednesday, i've been just sitting around relaxing (occasionally answering the on-call phone for work) and unpacking (moving in is a very slow process for me, mostly cuz i've got boxes full of stuff and no place/furniture to put it in/on) and a bit of laundry/cleaning... part of the freedom is not needing to wear clothing... the nudist in me has been closeted for so many years, i've almost forgotten how much i do not like clothes instinctively, no less the concept, history, and thought processes clothes represent...

ah, such a radical... meanwhile, i may just head out somewhere today for a little while... exercise is calling louder... and maybe a movie tonight... i hope your day is wonderful too :)

yes, i made it back down there, finally, after months away (i did get down there in september a handful of times and maybe october cuz i was using it for internet too and checked out the machines)... i've been utterly ridiculous in my lack of serious exercise (softball 4-5x a week is still not serious exercise, there, i said it)... and i called the nice person who kinda dared me to get back to running, though she was out or busy... thanks anyway :)

40 minutes on the elliptical, just over 3 miles, the first mile in 11 minutes at level 5 and the rest fluctuating between level 10 and 2, so the deterioration is obvious... and now, i am feeling the sugar and caffeine withdrawals and that is not a great feeling, but it's about time i simply stopped for a while cuz it's been a while since i simply stopped... long enough for this withdrawal to be a pain... and my impatience used to simply raise the stakes (as in increasing the intensity of the exercise which would accelerate the process and temporarily increase the pain, but will that be a health risk now (age plays a factor, or so all the books say)...

there's that feeling alone and what if i pass out or have a heart attack or stroke and die or become a vegetable just cuz nobody was around in the first few minutes cuz i am all alone in the world woe-is-me and so on song playing again)...

time to go to the gym again?...

hope i return :)

ok, the foolish fears and poor-me crap failed once again (and the chamber wasn't loaded, yeah, thereal remains) and another 40 minutes, this time 3.15 miles (3 miles in just under 38 minutes, first 2 miles in under 24 minutes, all working on the total body program which is more severe than the free program i did earlier today... cutting minutes off means i am still holding back, but still have a long way to go and do not want to hurt or kill myself cuz that would defeat the purpose of the gym, aye?)...

this is when i feel most physically alone, when i take the steps to wake the body and there's nobody to talk to about it, nobody to cheer or critique or acknowledge or whatever... if i let the lonelies stop me, though, i am only hurting myself (oh, ya think?... yeah, i deserve the bites, and they have yet to actually begin... just wait to the gym crew wakes up and sees i didn't actually die)...

so who cares?... i mean around here in thereal... in the moment... obvious answer... so why ask?... to prove a point?... cuz there's always hope?... the latter, i hope :)

how many times have i written this next line? (many)... maybe this is the turn around ... la la la... enjoy life more right now :)

so there it is, a few days of thereal� you could be reading and test your patience and be bored silly or get to know me� or you could just go play sock and awe�

have fun out there :)

. o O ( NOTES ARE THE NEW HAPPY PILL ) O o .
(just let me know you were here)