this site is very distracting in a mostly good way... every time I come here those banners that are so much a part of the experience here at DLand tease me, taunt me, and compel me to click open in a new window while I try to stay focused on the purpose for which I came, to write an entry in one of my diaries (here seems to have become a daily experience, is it good for you?... feel free not to ignore this question merely because it is casually tossed into a parenthese as if it doesn't matter because it is actually slipped in with the appearance as an afterthought in cliche form with this distracting balling immediately behind it within a parenthetic aside because of how important your answer is to me... but don't tell anybody who might laugh at me, ok?... thanks) and I find myself seduced by someone else's words and a life I can only imagine (and my imagination is infinite and that is where I live, so you would not believe some of the things I imagine and some of those things are found elsewhere in my ramblings and I won't include a banner ad to suggest you go there, but I might include a link or few... shhhh, I'll never tell)...

what is real and what is imagination and what is ethereal and what is physical and what is happening and what is dreaming and who are you and who am I...

meanwhile, back at the ranch... I think it is Saturday morning, which would be very good, but I am not exactly sure... Sally is at work and I had my first non-veggie meal for the week a few hours ago... the wings and slice of pizza I froze last weekend... I am pleased with my will power and economizing, so I splurged with a bag of popcorn and a pepsi... as if the universe was trying to help, I found a bag of M&Ms (age unknown)... I am not eating them, how's that for will power?... two days in a row I say no to chocolate (please excuse me for the blasphemy)... and today there were no witnesses...

a few entries in other places, a cleaning of the cat box (just had to, it was stinking up the house... it is time for a new kitchen garbage can since mine is in Sally's bathroom full to the brim with individually wrapped bags of used kitty litter... Sally works too much to take care of life or a living environment... anybody want to take care of him?... come on, he needs a loving, caring, ever-so-patient, clean-up-behind-her-man woman), and here we ar... so what else happened?... making picks in the college pick-em games, setting up the lineups for the fantasy football leagues, and starting a fantasy basketball league... that was yesterday after work... then sleep... life doesn't get much more exciting than this, huh? (look up sarcasm)...

Firestarter is on the tube... I turned it on for the first time in weeks and found out that the free anolog cable we get here no longer gives us the two extra HBO stations we are supposed to get for free (it's one of the selling points they use for this place)... I suppose it's time to call the office and find out that they forgot to tell us that particular promise was broken and they forgot to tell us when we re-signed our lease... not that it matters much, I turn on the TV once a month, if that much... not having premium channels will just encourage me to forget it's there even more... it's seldom inspiring anymore... though I did want to catch how they kill John Ritter and how they handle his death in his show... I suppose it isn't his show anymore... I forgot to watch it the last three weeks... the only show I'd try to catch (and I forgot about it when I had access) would have been Dead Like Me (or is that Dead Like Us, anyway) but we no longer get Showtime here either... anyway, Firestarter reminds me of how much I miss having kids and how they turn on my heart (I can stay cool and aloof and untouchable until a kid slips under my skin and wants to depend on me and trust me) and that leads back to memories and... those things I accept I can not change but still find them haunting me regularly...

and then I think of trust and intimacy in general and how long it's been since I curled up (or stretched out, for that matter) and shared same space with someone, I mean intimate space, not sitting across a room (I guess remembering kids reminds my child inside how much I love cuddling and sitting on someone's lap {or having someone sit on mine since I'm kinda big for most laps now} and feeling loved in the physical world)... eventually, after we put the child inside to bed to dream the dreams only kids dream, thoughts will find sensual stimulation since I am very much aware and alive physically in spite of being mostly dead (by my standards)... so now I am grown again and feeling the loneliness, the emptiness that children, no matter how unconditionally loving and trusting they are, can not fill...

alas, that was an interesting emotional ride, even if I barely expressed it... Firestarter is over... dumb plot with many big holes, but Drew Barrymore has been a favorite since ET, so it was worth the ride...

I think I'll go out for a run now...

. o O ( NOTES ARE THE NEW HAPPY PILL ) O o .
(just let me know you were here)