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2003-12-09 - 8:19 a.m. there's always hope... I know I tried to explain it at least once before and I know I am not satisfied with the explanation and I know I will not be satisfied with any explanation I attempt today because the cable guy is coming (no entendre intended) and there are too many other distractions and not enough time to get to where the explanation is buried, no less dig it up, dust it off, and get it into words here... and this is not an apology nor is it an excuse... it is a weak thank you for the phone messages... you definitely deserve better (and you know who you are, dear precious people who press the buttons to make my phone ring... even if I don't hear it at the time)... another thanks for the reminder... I forget that I have a phone more often than not... yeah, and I sleep odd hours and forget to put the phone next to the bed... half the time I don't carry it out of the house and when I do I leave it in my bag or in the car... so many reasons, all undermining the contact and attention I want... don't let anybody tell you that a high IQ means intelligence... all along I've been telling myself (or at least writing it) that I am not shut down, that I am not afraid of intimacy and that I can trust unconditionally again (oh yeah I know I express doubts here and there, but the little kid deep inside who handles everything for me doesn't really believe them and neither does the rest of me when I am not feeling sorry for myself, but that begs the question which one of us is fooling whom and the answer is out there... truth, I mean)... the fact is that no matter how well I thought I knew myself and no matter how much proof I have had in the past of who I think I am and what I can do, tomorrow is another day and today is too... I mean, anything is possible... I might have lost the nerve, forgotten the skill, or even never had the ability and lived a life fooling myself all along... just for the drama?... I hope not...
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