wow, I almost woke up... just as I uploaded the entry prior to the previous entry (go figure) and left a simple note (yesterday evening, but then which by your time frame, might be ancient history but was probably more like a few days ago), I decided to go to work even though I was tempted to go with the potential catharsis and call in and write all night) at the source of the inspiration, the phone rang... it was Minnie... months and months I've put off finding the email with her number in it... I've known her for almost a decade, adopted her (emotionally) and looked out for her when her mom got sick (and ultimately died) and watched her grow from a chronically ill teen who could not attend regular school because leaving the house was challenging for while due to red alert asthma and other chronic conditions into a beautiful young woman who could hold down a job and take care of herself... last time I saw her was to give her away at her wedding (was that last year or the year before?)... anyway, I love her most of all right at this moment for her maturity and for her patience with me... and for reminding me that she knows who I am (how I was before I shut down)...

a wonderful feeling (even the part where I am beating myself up about neglecting those who love me), to be loved and trusted so unconditionally... ahem...

yeah, I know (looking towards the northwest at other eyes I imagine giving me knowing, patient, mommy-like looks)... I'm not all spoiled brat, but there's definitely one in me... yes, I do know better... yes, I am aware of it almost every moment (agonizingly so at times)... yes, I've learned to live with the knowledge and awareness and forgive myself and still reach for creative beauty and wonderful dreams...

and I've always told myself that everything will work out in the end, that all I need (chosing to need, remember) is the one (hearing songs yet?)... but the one seems to be more and more challenging to find as the days go by... sadly, I may accept that no one might be alive who can fulfill all of my dreams for that imaginary the one person (and yet I still believe there are many soulmates for each of us?... shhhh, I will until I have to answer the question again)... and when I find her, all the pieces will come together and everything will fit perfectly into the puzzle of the life I always wanted to live...

yeah, ok... getting tired of this yet?...

I'd love to have been able to look at all of kstyle's vacation picture's entry, but being on a 56K modem in a 64MB RAM laptop stalled me right quick so i closed it before I could get going in seeing anything... someday I'll have a grown up computer...

and then I've gotta wonder about my insanity level when thoughts like this next one pass through my brain (or maybe even start up there all by themselves)...

purplebanana tells me that she won't make me go blind, grow hairy palms, or burn in hell... I wonder if that's a good thing...

in concussion, and clicking randomly on banners and links, here's where I wandered today...

. o O ( NOTES ARE THE NEW HAPPY PILL ) O o .
(just let me know you were here)