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2005-08-07 - 2:30 a.m. to all the girls I loved before Dear all the girls I've loved before, you promised to love me forever and where are you now?... you wrote letters of apology for hurting me... you said your were messed up, confused, and taking all your anger out, a lifetime of anger you said, on me... you said I didn't deserve it... you said you were really sorry and meant it... so where are you now?... still trying to hurt me?... or are you punishing yourself?... so you said... but do you see how foolish that is and worse, how it contradicts your apology?... think about it... I offer forgiveness and you reject it... that diminishes the worth of my forgiveness... it leaves me unloved and discarded... it means you are still taking your anger out on me... yes, and yourself, but on me too... maybe you just do not want it... maybe you say the words but do not really feel them, or mean it... maybe you don't know that you can just wipe the slate clean and start all over again in your life... and in mine... and to all the girls I've loved before that I left behind because you did not want to follow me on my quixotic quests... I hope you are not hurting... you know the door is always open and you are welcome to share anything I've got that I can spare... and anytime you need help with anything, I am here... for I still love you... for my love knows no end... and to all the girls I've wronged, I wish I never made any mistakes... I wish I was perfect and I hope you know that is was never my conscious intention to cause you any discomfort or pain... if I took too much, it was only because I wanted you to tell me I've taken enough... if I dragged you under, it was only because I was hoping I could depend on you to save me... fool I can be... for I know I was always the strong one and our roles were set and when I wanted to get weak and fall apart it must have felt like a betrayal... but I did not want to always be the strong one... I did not want to always be the one who was right... I wanted to depend on someone else, on you... I trusted you that much... I just wanted to be a baby for a while... to be nurtured and taken care of... to trust someone unconditionally to make the decisions, to bring home the bacon, to be the one in charge... I guess you were not ready for that role reversal... maybe I did not explain it, maybe I didn't know what I really wanted at the time... maybe I confusd you by being confused myself... I always tried to be kind and honest in everything... I hope you remember that... and I hope someday we can talk again... forgive everything that might require forgiveness and rebuild the love and trust to whatever extent it can be rebuilt... to be honest in our caring... to be truly friends... I hope you have found someone in your life who understands you down to your core, someone with whom you hide nothing, someone you unconditionally trust with your life... I hope you are happy, truly and deeply, and you have resolved anything that felt unsettled in your past... I hope your days are full of experiences you dream of at night and your nights are filled with comfort, passion, real trust, and true love... for I still love you... in spite of our mistakes... I forgive you and hope you forgive me... for love is the lasting bond we shared... and love knows no end... honest love, me
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