so it is finally time to consider myself returned to RealTime� here, behind the candoor... and even now, it is not now, but time is so much fun to play with what with it being relative to everything, kind of like words... today was fun, yesterday was fun, and, in fact, life in general is fun these days... par for the course, for me at least... you might call me lucky, I say it's just my choice...

meanwhile, you are totally encouraged to make some fun of your own (with me {or even of me if you like} cuz I'd like and if we both like then that's even better than only one of us liking, ya know?)... sometimes I just get this irresistible urge to bat my eyes, but that's besides the point... this entry will bring you up to date, sort of... or maybe that's the next entry, but in any case, this entry will be a milestone of sorts as it contains all of the links to all of the entries written during the time I was away and uploaded almost all in one day (and dares you to click on and read every single one, subtle, of course, I mean, I'm not actually daring you, after all)...

so ok, this part of this entry was written tomorrow and beamed back in time so it is here for you today... the rest of this entry was written on the day I actually uploaded forty or more entries in one day and was added to in subsequent days because I was still not up to date when the massive single day upload ended and I wanted this entry to come at the end of the completion of the maximum upload (so perhaps I should have caressed it more, aye?)...

yeah, well, you'll just have to read it for yourself now...

wait, one more thing (as usual?), if you are observant then you already noticed that the previous three entries were uploaded today before you got the chance to read them (that goes for most of you, my resident stalkers, groupies, and escapees from the asylum not withstanding)... if you do not click back to read the last three entries then you miss out on the fun of today (beamed back from tomorrow) and will forever miss out on knowing more about me and yourself...

ok, you can go on now...

the following entries were uploaded today... yes, all at once... not that they were written all at once, but they were uploaded all at once... just now, or rather, moments ago in RealTime�... not that they were uploaded in the RealTime� blog (or in RealTime� for that matter), because they weren't... they were uploaded right here... all at once... just now... well, then I mean, when this part of this entry was first written... though it�s taken a while (if you were paying attention... at least a few of you were, I think)...

I know this is quite ridiculous on some levels, perhaps in many ways, because it undermines and possibly even defeats the purpose of this diary, or any diary, which is to share life in black and white with you and uploading this many entries at once almost guarantees that most of you will not read most of them... bless those of you who do...

but it also demonstrates, I hope, the fact that I am thinking of you and want to share myself with you (even when I am not uploading entries... I mean, I am somewhere in all these words, lost between the snapping synapses of literary madness)...

I want to care about you as if I know you, as if you know me, as if we're old friends feeling comfortable in knowing we care about each other and want to know what's on each other's minds... I�d like to hear your voice, chat on the phone, plan and make visits sometime... and maybe through our networking we will help each other find more ways to make our dreams come true... so I keep writing, snips and snaps and puppy dog tails and whatever comes whenever I have a moment and here, today, all at once I put it all out here...

as if we've been connected all along...

cuz I'd like to believe we have been... ethereally, by caring... thought energy, good feelings, even psychic energy if you can find some... I wish I could thank the few of you who find time to catch up properly, but my brain is so fogged in these days... the words come slowly (relatively, for me) and feel inadequate... and I feel myself drifting into a daze of distance and detachment more and more often (there's a poem, When a Man is Alone Too Long or something like that by someone, though I don't recall who at the moment... yeah, I know, I�ve mentioned it before... it�s a vague memory from the early ninties, actually)... the memories surrounding it could bring tears to my eyes if I remembered more deeply... I think...

anyway, realizing that the idealistic "can't we all just get along" and actualization of the family of humankind is almost a cartoon-like pipe dream, I am alone because I will not give it up and I will not play the superficial social games it seems to take to develop a social life in mature society... that may be working against my hunger to share, yet I have tried settling for less than being myself and it just doesn't work because it's unsatisfying...

so I may be (may be?... ha) working against the lack of intimacy in my emotional sharing and it sometimes feels like pushing a ten foot pyramid up a hill from the inside (yeah, something like that) and with time as limited as it's been lately it just becomes easier to drift away... give me the beat boys, free my soul, wanna get lost in that rock and roll... hey, it's better than wallowing in self-pity or despair and lamenting about loneliness... I intend and do my best to create no harm as I drift about oblivious in a self-imposed ignorance-is-bliss bubble where my natural amusement with everything can flourish...

makes sense to me...

and you, well, I can only hope you understand and do not read my self-preservation drifting as any reflection of your worth or value to me because if it were not for you I'd probably put this diary on hiatus until the time and muses returned and I stopped drifting... I started (as you probably know by now cuz I mention it in almost every entry, or at least I used to, sometimes) the RealTime� blog because it is much simpler to send brief reports of life back from the inner spaces and far off places that my drift away takes me... I mention it here so often because there's just one or two of you actually regularly letting me know you found me there and I want you to know that you are important to me and I am giving you my best effort there to keep in touch with you in the real world (as opposed to this babbling quasi-fantasy free associative creative fun fun fun and odd madness we find behind the candoor)...

hope you get that... and then...

well now, was that fun or what?... I mean, you did click on every entry and read every word, right?... yes, well, then you must be overwhelmed by fun now so I don't expect you to be able to catch your breath or feel your fingers to comment, so no worries... just go about your business with the sweet euphoria you've just experienced and make each moment better for having been here... I won't tell anyone if you don't...

thanks for reading and being J

. o O ( NOTES ARE THE NEW HAPPY PILL ) O o .
(just let me know you were here)