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2003-12-04 - 10:24 p.m. sometimes I even write about reality what a life... up and down and round and round... the window of opportunity seems nowhere in sight... and the rountine feels more like a rut... work, home, work, home... some writing, occasional shopping, infrequent movie or dinner out... bloating, no exercise, watching the space get dirtier and more crowded... such a drastic change from where I used to be... in my house, there was much space, everything was organized, everything had a place... plenty of shelves in large closets, including a walk in kitchen closet... a kitchen with space to actually prepare meals that was easy to keep clean, because we cooked clean... laundry went out to the laundry room... the garage held all the stuff now in storage as I gradually unboxed (and then repacked) it all, though much of it waited (and still waits) for someone to share the thrill of exploring music and books and toys and the odd ends of a life that were not lost along the way... there was a den for the computers and a guest room for guests and a bedroom for a roommate, occupied by a dear friend I adopted and miss and I kick myself now since I was stupid enough to lose touch... baby sister, where are you?... for much of the time I lived there... so much closer to here... and here I look around... the grease slowly grows on all the kitchen counters, the result of frying meat without a cover and not cleaning up afterward... once a week is not enough, and that's all I'll do in cleaning up after someone else... hopefully a change will come soon as Sally's daughter is moving in and she has good sense... of course we'll be all the more crowded until we switch to a three bedroom apartment (if we do) and even then, we shall see... the washer dryer is in a tiny closet in the small hallway between the front door and the bathroom to my room... not condusive to continued washings, so stuff piles up in bins in the bedroom until I find the right time to clog up the hallway... and... wait a minute, everything can be complained about, and I haven't even touched on work, but what's the point?... hmmmm, that's a good sign... getting tired of complaining is approaching seeing the glass as half full instead of half empty... and that is happening, for as I write this entry I am doing a load of wash, doing a load of dishes, and cleaning the oven... the electric bill for tonight is gonna be high, but since I work in four hours it will not go on all night... it could, I have that much laundry to do... taking off last night from work was a good move... I caught up on some sleep and when I woke, I stepped out to run... it's been months, hasn't it?... five miles, walking the third mile, 71 minutes... yes, a pitifully slow time, but it was the outdoor trail and this body has extra weight to carry and it has been quite a while... focus on the positive, it happened... hopefully it'll happen again this year... a few times... at least... this might have been my life... if I wasn't a carrot...
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