IN BLACK AND WHITE last---past---next---now ( FEATURED OTHERS 'n STUFF ) MEG AND DIA! ORLANDO? WHERE IT BEGAN ARE THEY SERIOUS? (how far are we from censorship?) ONE. . . WHY (find your social conscience)
CONVERSATION WITH GOD MEANING OF LIFE FORWARD THIS ENTRY INTELLIGENT DESIGN (SEE WHAT THE POPE SAYS) o O ( AND COMING SOON! ) O o ABOUT ZOOPLA o O ( AND CURRENT EVENTS ) O o blogadvance blogazoo blogexplosion blogmad? bloglines o O ( SOCIAL CONCERNS ) O o HELP THE RED CROSS MESSAGES FROM MISSISSIPPI BLOG FOR RELIEF NEW ORLEANS JOURNAL (MIRROR OF N.O. JOURNAL) (INCLUDING LIVE CAM AND PHOTOS) HELP AND BE HELPED HURRICANE HOUSING LINKS TO HELP IMAGES FOR HISTORY New Orleans News Buloxi News THE FAILURE FREE SPEECH (tell them what you think) The White House (202) 456-1111 Senate and Congress (202) 224-3121 YOU'VE GOT THE RIGHTS USE THEM FAT MAN WALKING BLOGATHON! INDEX BEGIN FACE FUN! last---past---next---now SITES I SEE A LOT IxQuick Search Google Search itools references movie database Giga-Quotes Harry Chapin Lyrics SSA OLD AND NEW READS (WISH I HAD MORE TIME TO READ and EXPLORE) mother jones utne reader common dreams the progressive mediate the other side orion harper's rolling stone reel classics fallout shelter the memory hole song meanings truth out wil wheaton bugmenot global news matrix break for news are you generic? neil gaiman h2g2 daily kos the truth laid bear reason capitol hill blue boing boing nobody here SITES I AM CONSIDERING SEEING MORE OFTEN 3Hive metafilter comics digg REFERENCE LIBRARIES questia wikipedia gutenberg internet public library deep web search engines itools references movie database Giga-Quotes rare-lyrics all musicals AMUSEMENTS Diaryland Times home star runner hell hell too sinfest ill will press the guide purple despair maximum awesome 86 the onions straight dope something awful glossy news eric conveys emotion odd todd cracked CULTURE the superficial darwin awards this is true urban legends news of the weird church of the fsm the onion god checker faqs fark iGod post secret webby awards meetup the white house ragged trousered philosopher the smoking gun the defective yeti landover baptist evil bible COMMERCIAL CRAP (AND PRON)
PROMPTS (IF YOU KNOW ONE LET ME KNOW) Unconscious Mutterings Friday Feast Wednesday Whatevers Sunday Brunch Monday Madness Thursday Threesom Saturday Questions (make it real) PO BOX 780398 Orlando, FL 32878 send me some music your favorite music old or new blissful or blue let your message come through and I will love you forever last---past---next---now �2006 Candor Communications |
2005-12-19 - 8:52 a.m. about me and you as if I don't have enough going on in my babbling files, I spent a night responding to comments (and leaving comments elsewhere) instead of writing an entry... so while this may be, to purists or anal retentives (who me?) cheating of sorts, I present this entry composed of comments I made either in response to your comments here or in response to words you wrote in your writing spaces on the web... these blurbs are edited to give you the essence of my thoughts as opposed to my personal communication with a specific writer... in some cases I expanded on my thoughts here you'll find the unabridged (or is that unexpurged - unexpurgated?) babble in comments to previous entries, mostly... this is yet another way of providing information about me, an experiment in guided babbling... this entry will most likely be replaced quickly by the next entry because I am tired of being a couple of days behind and want to play in RealTime� again (without the protection of being out of time, that is, vulnerable at the moment of upload and hoping for conversation and risking having to face the lonely moments of nobody being around at the RealTime� moments I upload... makes sense to me, you?... anyway, it's sure easier to upload and run off to something else than to upload and wait around for conversation and the former is the habit I've slide into in the past month plus... in this life (in black and white), the more out of synch with RealTime� I get, the less social I am offline because I am living in the past and out of time... the entries are creative strolls through cyberspace or timeless ramblings about this or that, whatever comes to mind, or else they (the entries) are introspective retrospectives... or like this one made up of my words in comments and responses to comments, ya see?... too long in this timelessness and I could lose touch with reality, I could forget how isolated I am becoming offline, I could get too comfortable in a literary monologue, a narcissist's dream... I want a balance... I want to share more... I want to make love in the moonlight... I want to go to lunch (thank you Pvt Benjamin)... obviously my craving to share more in physical spaces is rising from the mostly dead place it usually occupies... this is to be expected most years if the annual cathartic month-long introspection and rejuvenation process works (and it is as close to working this year as it's been in more than a few years, I think... then again, when was it that I kick started life in the flesh last?... I believe it was December 13th 2003, or was it 2004?... I was reunning on the outdoor trail and getting to the gym and then the hurricanes... wow, time flies when you're procrastinating and living out of time... so anyway, if the above thoughts have not given any sort of clearer view or clue into my psyche, perhaps some of these excerps from comments below might... it is fun to imagine that some of you actually might be getting to know me (and want to)... extra special thank you few who inspired the comments below... I appreciate your interest and your caring and your sharing... more than I can express most of the time... I'm in this life for the sharing and I definitely do not do as much of it as I'd like offline... this diary and all of my writings are how I cope with the longing to share... you keep the loneliness from bringing me down... and hopefully you enjoy getting to know me through my free-associative ramblings and interactive comments... yeah, I am hopeful... so for whatever they are worth outside of the conversations they came from, here are my thoughts about this and that and the other things... about musical tastes mine run the gamut to most extremes and mainstreams as well... the Beatles sounds changed music for me... not the only ones, but they had the biggest punch at one time... the list of CDs in this entry focuses on my soft lyrical ethereal (some might say sappy and I smile and agree) side... about man-purses and carrying bags I actually, don't like carrying anything around much, but I used to carry a variety of things into work... backpack, knapsack, shoulder bag, attache bag, even on about the size of manilla folders (because that's mostly what I was carrying)... nothing seems to fit, so I stopped... now I carry a cloth food back on the occasion I want to bring in lunch/dinner (which I should do more often because it would be good for my wallet and health)... I'm not sure what guys carry around in those little man-purses, seems nothing worthwhile will fit... unless it's extra cigarettes or drug paraphenalia, but then, since I quit before those man-bag things started being made... about hair in the last few years for the first time I've learned the art of gel (for work, I'm supposed to be a good role model for wayward teens, after all) and now can look very mafioso, especially when dressed in a suit... I've worn a suit twice in the last ten years, so the big bosses need not worry... and here's the true confession part of this comment (which is excessively long due to just waking up and not realizing I am awake, therefore having no inhibition about babbling on and on about whatever and anything), I have considered cutting the hair, even shaving the head in recent years... yes, CSN&Y, I promised myself this year and I feel like I owe it to someone, but that year was a long long time ago and I also enjoy change... I could get off on freaking out everybody I know by showing up without the hair... of course it would be years before it returned to it's unruly lower back length, but... lucky for my hair (and the hippiefreak in me), the procrastination is strong in this one, obiwan... and now that I've written a piece of entry here, I shall mosey on down to the next comment... more about music like in a music store (or anywhere) if a song comes on that has me bouncing around I should stop and think about how it feels inside to be bouncing around a music store (or anywhere)... well, that would depend on the song and usually the bouncing around excitement is reflective of the life around me as well as the song too... I used to, especially when I was 15, hear the lyrics of songs as if they were private messages just for me and I still can imagine the lyrics as personal, very personal... I think and feel and respond as if the song was a personal letter from a trusted friend, or as if the cosmos was sending me a message that only I could truly understand (and that is true, for only I can actually interpret anything into what it means specifically for me in my life)... I would like to find the time to do that with the song and CDs lists I've been compiling, like Smed is doing only even more personal (not so much a review), but time time time (it's telling us a story)... about being nocturnal I've been nocturnal as long as... always... most people give into cultural conformity for professional or social advantage (the night shift is murder on a social life)... sometimes I think I may be nocturnal simply because the daily lives of humans at this point in time is not something I want to be part of or even know about, but then I think my personal circadian rhythm goes deeper than simply an anti-social decision... about my manic babbling my activeness (besides being a part of my personality) is mostly due to my aloneness... I live in physical spaces and without physical intimacy there's not much reason to pause and reflect (although I've done much of that, in the mostly dead diary and journal, in funda, and in other places)... I feel the loneliness of this life when I stop in a moment to experience everything inside and there's only so many poor-me lonely boy songs I want to write... still, I appreciate your request and I shall ponder it... about comments and your interest I feel very happy that you are interested in my deeper thought process and emotions, goose bumps smile on my neck and my arms long for a hug that would show my appreciation for your interest and confirm your caring in the world offline where words are more than words... it's exciting and stimlulating in many ways, my heart beats faster, my skin tingles, and I wonder if I should feel turned on sensually (some of your words have inspired a horny hunger) or be more conservative and brotherly... specifically to music, when I song connects, every pore opens, ever cell in this body vibrates and I feel like I can fly, like I am connected with everything in the universe... and I must sing or I'll explode (so when I don't sing, I bounce around like a superball for a while and hope somebody else feels the energy and bounces along - or stops and looks me in the eye and starts to sing, then the stillness can wrap itself around me, the sound energy can enter every pore and be vocalized and every part of this body can vibrate to the music... without words I've been known to bounce around a dance floor, speed-stepping or moshing, but still hoping someone connects at the same energy level and love-making can start (ultimately sexual, but I will settle for dance-floor humping or slow dancing because, after all, dance , like everything shared in life, is a compromise and you can't always get what you want but if you try sometimes you do get what you need)... but here, online, in words, how do we actually dance?... sheesh, I really should write an entry or two before coming to comments, huh?... but then, I am almost corresponding again, which I love (shhh, don't tell me I'm over it)... about charity and gifts those who see negativity in the word charity have false pride and hide insecurity... I love the gift you give, thank you... the best gifts can not be purchased by any means, the best gifts are free and the fact that they are given freely, without obligation, increases their value... I feel your words, I accept your gift, and it is what I make of it, the good feeling I let it inspire in me, my belief that you are positive and generous and stimulating, that is what I do... you might find something good in my teling you that... we use each other to create good feelings within ourselves... freely... nothing hard about that (all double entendre's aside)... about me a not fragile incorrigible child, that's me... I'm unbreakable and every time I've been broken I prove it cuz I just walk on through the wind and rain all broken with odd parts sticking out at odd angles and I get used to it and don't even know I'm broken cuz I'm doing what I want to do and having fun in the moment...then, every once in a while, usually more often than lately and probably best at least once a month, if just for house cleaning purposes, I sit and ponder my navel giving myself close inspection under the brightest possible spotlights and I notice the breaks and parts sticking out at odd angles and I paint a target around where I am as if it's where I meant to be all along and I rejoice that I became myself once again... about perfection I think anyone is perfect if they are happy with who they are and what they've got... perfection is not being without flaw, it's enjoying and making the most of the moment as it is and learning more about enjoying it more every moment... realizing that feels fantastic to me, it is a rush of adrenaline from my head to my toes... that is where I live inside, how I feel most of the time... about the real thing the real thing is offline, out here, behind the door where behind the candoor is written, within the mind that chooses the words, behind the eyes that sees eyes looking back into them... you'll never know what is really real for sure until we share that eye-space, that full body sensory experience... about the baby and the hero and I can and have been the baby (always, because there never was the nurturing that babies crave above all else, so I still crave it) and I have been the hero (always, because I am the only one who's always been here to save myself and I've been in some painful and dealy situations that required some serious saving)... about perception I talk much more precisely than I write, actully, but I write freely, without conscious plan or direction, I write in the moment and respond to the thought that I read that becomes the thought in my head (and there's two thoughts that are not always the same or even close) and then I open my mind to infinite possibilities because I understand, that is, my perspective of everything is ruled by the uncertainty factor, the truth is there is no certain truth, there is only what we perceive as we perceive it in any moment (and each one perceives each moment individually, slightly {or massively} differently)... about you and your words I am always reaching... reaching for understanding, for sharing, for fun... I reach for your meaning in your words, something only you know for sure, and hope that in exploring possibilities I might find your meaning... I know that I would like to see you in action, I mean to watch you think and write and communicate because your words have so much going on, so much energy and diversity, I think it would be fun to see that... do your eyes glaze over in a trance as your words flow or do they sparkle with clarity and awareness... does your mouth smile or frown or remain a straight line or flash between expressions... do your cheeks flush, do your nipples rise, does your body squirm and wiggle in your chair... how does the reading and the writing effect you physically... about me and my words me, I usually sit pretty still and forget the world is around me, though I surface often to notice the TV or the computer screen or people in the space or something else... usually, without a visual, I am not turned on sensually or bouncing around physically until I take a breath, a mental breath, which could be five minutes or an hour... but a visual changes everything and brings my body energy up to bouncing and sometimes turned-on sensually... my eyes are usually focused on the keyboard or on a point inside of my head, sometimes glazed over but usually bright and alert and craving more stimuli... my lips are usually motionless in an expressionless contentment except when I laugh... sometimes my butt goes numb before I realize how long I've been sitting and typing... my nipples and pores sometimes flood with blood and flush with energy, sometimes sexual, sometimes an even better rush of shared understanding that feels like caring, love, a meaningful connection... about me and you I crave sharing... you give me the opportunity to do what I want to do most, share myself and learn about someone else... I don't have to know who you are on some levels, where you live, what you do with your time, how you walk or talk or sleep or laugh or cry or masturbate, even... though I am curious and in time, I'd like to know all that and more about you... for now I enjoy the curiosity you share, the thoughts in your head, and the possibility that we are becoming friends... getting to know all about you...
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