remembering the relative kindness of strangers on road trips or bike trips, through Michigan and Wisconsin, for instance, when I road from Detroit to Blue Lake, up past Ann Arbor, to see that amazing great lake water, then down the coast to ... where we caught the ferry to Sheboygan, I think, because riding a bike across Lake Michigan seemed against the rules, but being the rebel child I rode my bike on the ferry just so I could say I rode my bike acrtoss Lake Michigan once, and stayed at a Jellystone Campgrounds, falling in love with the concept of looking for pickinic baskets, at which point I decided to detour out to Madison with four people following, which upset the AYH group leader enough to send us home five or six days later when he finally caught up with us at a hippie commune just off campus...

then I suddenly remembered that I considered being a mushroom farmer once, someone came down from Alaska with the idea, got the brochures and checked out equiptment, but then I realized I was living in Florida and I didn't have a basement or a cool dark damp area...

I miss myself and the fun I used to have...

it's not that I am not myself today (well, I am not, at least I am not actualizing myself physically and that is very weird... to be in a body and not be actualizing yourself... ever happen to you?)... I am lost in my rambles and nobody has the time or space in their lives to actually find me, which is about how it ought to be because I am so lost in ...

excuse me, Precious is standing before me...

ah, she got her PSAT scores and showed much improvement from the previous scores... 1300 on PSATs, yay Precious... shows her what her brain can do when she gets a night's sleep and focuses... and she still has room for lots of improvement in study skills and not leaving everything for the last minute (and I mean last minute, staying up all night the night before something is due cuz, well, let's just call it a bad habit and I won't mention that through most of my school life I did the same thing)...

the bottom line is she is learning how to take tests and feels more confident in test-taking (which often has little to do with anything other than remaining calm and focusing on the questions one by one)... she's now going over the answers she got wrong while waiting for Rasputin to return from taking his new girlfriend to the doctor because she (girlfriend) prefers not to drive (she {girlfriend} plays the helpless female so well... I couldn't take that level of neediness and insecurity, personally, but she seems like a nice person, except for the fact that she's pushing for me to move out so she can move in even though she knows we just signed a new lease that doesn't even start until February)...

so an hour or two later, after reviewing the answers she got wrong and helping her pass the time waiting for Raspy to return, we to this entry...

I think I was lost somewhere... ironic, isn't it?... it's not a poor-me kind of feeling and it's not as if nobody cares about me cuz I sure get lots of attention from my roommies and from you wonderful readers... what's missing is the one-on-one focus of someone who lives for me (and someone I can live for), someone who has me at #1 on this list of priorities for life in daily life... I mean, #1 on my list of priorities in life is finding her... so #1 for daily life is caring about those I call family, Precious, Rasputin, and you guys who I call family out there in the larger world... which is great, I love it, because I love to give and nurture and care and share and listen and read and respond...

but at my core I am built for one-on-one true love romance...

so without it, I get lost in everything else that matters (and sometimes in stuff that doesn't matter, but just seems like a decent enough harmless escape at the time), in rambling on about what I find in my browsings, in listening to and talking with Precious about her life, and less often the same with Rasputin... for a social creature as myself, that's a barren social existence (and without my imagination, I'd probably be quite depressed and even lonelier than I am... yay for imagine nations)...

ok, now on to my web wanderings...

I dare you to read every entry in z0tl's diary... it's quite amazing and if you keep your mind open and can expand your imagination to absorb many abstractions and have time to follow links and not get too lost, you will learn something profound about yourself...

and he things he doesn't contribute much to the planet...

does anybody else wonder where Bobby Burgess went?... I mean, not to knock Eric Anthony, but sometimes we all should take a look at roots... I also think that it's not fair that all his perceptions lead elswehere and yet, elsewhere is nowhere today...

that thought returned from wherever it was stored while I was re-reading some of these thoughts, which include:

"when we're born, our minds are like dull blades, waiting to be sharpened. and after years of observing, learning, and growing, they're ready to stab people."

which I ironically found after the following words were inspired by Smash's last comment:

"just cuz his bark is worse than his bite does not mean his teeth are not razor sharp"

which brings me back to the thought that it only goes to prove that frigid winters do not damage budding genius, even if it's been a long time since the cake was left out in the rain and I still take it, even though I didn't think that I could cuz it took so long to make it and I'll never have that recipe again, oh no...

and does anybody else see heartbreak killer in this:

and now I'm listening to a song on augustdream's latest entry (well, it was her latest entry when I opened it a few hours ago, but I just noticed another so it's not the latest anymore so I adjusted the address in case you want to hear the song)... and now, her latest entry irks my ire as this world sucks cockroach cuz she doesn't live in what we'd call a bad neighborhood and still crime and guns pop up when we least expect it...

go tell her you love her...

ummm, it's actually Molly who can use the hugs... a bit of confusion as the latest entry was a guest entry (I was wondering about some of it, but heck, hugs are never wasted)... so send hugs a lot to everyone, but especially to Molly... and Nicole too...

I shall attempt to use that part of my brain that the Firefly girl doesn't have and push the irking ire (and taste of bile) about how dumb people with guns can be back into my subconscious so I can continue rambling on about the semi-detached houses that we are here in our little diaryland community... remember, if any of you consider my rambling on about you (or linking you) any sort of home invasion, just let me know and I'll leave you out of my entries as I already do with some of my past and current favoritest favorites...

meanwhile, here's a fine sort of meme thing to brighten our spirits that I found in katy-bug's diary:

My name... candoor

childhood ambition... to be happy...
fondest memory... high school loves, early nineties early retirement at my house...
soundtrack... something mixed, full of soul, sound, and emotion (I left this just as Katy wrote it cuz it's right for me too... my soundtracks can be found here, though they are just momentary lists of the CDs playing... deeper more permanent soundtracks will be added to that place eventually and can be found somewhere in the last fifty entries here... something tells me this was supposed to be done without rambling... dang, another rule I didn't follow... oh well, at least I'm consistent...
retreat... never!... well, sometimes, but only for a good cause...
wildest dream... time travel, invisibility, to fly
proudest moment... saving lives as an EMT, inspiring a smile in an angry child
biggest challenge... living without a partner
alarm clock... my cell phone
perfect day... in love
first job... paperboy
indulgence... chocolate
last purchase... food, probably chocolate
favorite movie... too many, so let's choose for this moment... Hook
inspiration... love

so maybe I am working my way up to doing that four or five favorite things meme I see floating around in so many diaries this week... though I could never stop at four (remember the time I tried to stop at six with a similar sort of meme?)...

tonight, after hours and hours of background noise from the history channel on the TV that Rasputin was sleeping in front of with the remote in his hand (and me uninterested in the TV, but being a good roommie and not wanting to disturb his TV slumbers, did not put on music or change channels), he gets up to go to bed, leaving the TV on... so I get a little exercise crossing the room to turn it off...

speaking of favorites, if I am on your favorites list in your profile I thank you profusely... and in case you wondered, I want to be on your favorites list in your profile... yes, I shall repeat that for clarification:

I want to be on your favorites list in your profile...

just to clear up any misunderstandings about the importance of your favorites list in your profile... it matters to me... means a lot... gives me a feel good feeling... lets me think I am special...

I know, that might be excrutiatingly superficial and even surprising if you come here to find depth and a down to Earth person (which I hopefully am and appear to be in that order), but I am not above feeling insecure and when I see myself listed in your favorites list in your profile it's almost as squishy-good a feeling as when you leave a note or comment... and there are times, when all the world's asleep, and questions run too deep, that I wonder why I am not good enough for your profile if you don't have me listed, especially if you get my attention with a note or comment...

if this ever happens to you, I mean, if you are not listed in my profile and want to be, drop me a note or comment or email or something cuz I am definitely more careless with my listings than you are, which is most probably incogruous with the feeling of insecurity described in the previous paragraph, yet somehow it works in my head because if I tok my profile seriously I'd feel even more sad and left out and insecure about being left out of your profile (and profiles of people who are famous and popular)...

I already filled one whole diary profile (what's that?... fifty, seventy-five diaries?) a while back (candora) and this profile for behind the candoor was almost full until I recently (just now, in fact) sorted through it and pulled out links to diaries that are long gone (if I pulled yours out prematurely, please let me know and I'll be happy to put it back in... oh, that wasn't meant as it might have sounded, but I'll laugh anyway and hope you do too)...

anyway, the flip side to this insecurity is knowing that a favorites list might oughta be a list of diaries actually read daily, but then, who has time to read all the diaries we actually might want to read daily on a daily basis... so maybe a favorites list ought be a list of diaries of people we'd like to read daily if we had the time and people we'd like to know better for whatever reason we might be inspired to do so... that way it's not just a superficial list me to make me believe I am popular kind of thing, which, except for ego, who doesn't mind the superficial, if a bit more insecurity than I need or want and grates on my nerves...

ever get the feeling that people run away from you cuz you're too honest for their liking?... I do... quite often, actually... most of the time I tell myself that's ok, cool even, because if honesty scares someone or they don't like it, then I really don't want them too close anyway... but it's sad for ego who wants big throngs of fans all the time... and it's sad when I feel lonely, which I do all the time when I don't have a partner in life, like lately... but anyway, have a nice day...

. o O ( NOTES ARE THE NEW HAPPY PILL ) O o .
(just let me know you were here)