I just wrote this entry... well, not this entry, it was another entry that was supposed to be this entry, that is, it was titled the same and may have said some of the same things, but you'll never see it because the screen froze and it is gone to wherever words go when they are gone...

I am awake again... I did not expect to be awake at this hour (nor at the hour I wrote the entry you will never see because it was lost, which was a few minutes or thereabouts, time being relative and often dangerous when calculated, or at least when miscalculated, but then it could just be me, before this entry)... it could be because I slept seven hours... due to not calculating the hours in a day, I find myself awake earlier than usual and do not know what to do with myself...

I already did that...

I considered going out to buy a few things, like hair weave... you see, a co-worker promised to buy some hair weave for one of the kids at work because the kid did not get much for Xmas and apparently the co-worker has not yet bought or brought in the hair weave because last night another co-worker told me the kid asked about the hair weave and yet the co-worker who promised may have bought the weave and not brought it in yet because she's been off for a few days and won't be back until Thursday night so we won't know until Thursday night which is already after the New Year {see what happens when I start calculating time?} so I considered picking some up just to have some extra since the girls use hair weave faster than Bhudda used toilet paper but now I am not sure the store, which is several miles away in a potentially way crowded mall, will be open past five on New Year's Eve so I may just procrastinate about it and use the excuse that I should go to the gym and shower and get ready for work early and besides, the kid has not had the best of behaviors this month and een though it is rather Grinch-like to base Xmas gifts on behavior, it is a psychiatric hospital and therapy is supposed to be based mostly on behavior and mixed signals (or inconsistent reinforcement, to be technical) is the way to disaster (or at least failure) in behavioral therapy, so I'll wait until Friday when the kid has a chance to improve her status from the bottom rung to the middle rung and if she does a reward is in order... sucks to be a logical professional in the mental health field... sucks worse to be a kid in a psych hospital on Xmas...

I also said "yes" when asked if I would pick up non-alcoholic champagne and tacky two piece plastic chanpagne glasses for the not-party we will be having at work tonight... but I can stop by the 24-hour shopper's zoo (Walmart) for those items, even though I read a lot of good reasons not to shop WallyMart recently and have been trying to cut down... this seems to be a rather hypocritical, maybe even unethical entry... maybe it is because I feel shafted by the cyber winds that swallowed the previous entry that you will never see because it is gone...

but in all seriousness, when considering my place in this world from an ethical standpoint, I am floating a bit aimlessly... the Vegan in me now eats meat on occasion and does not check labels for animal products or testing or anything, really... the altruist in me accepts working for near poverty-level wages as a direct care-giver as enought for now... using a Xmas metaphor, the savior in me looks up at my empty shell hanging on a cross and tries to feel nothing and sometimes even succeeds... the creator in me has an out to lunch sign up and doesn't even eat lunch...

so is all this leading up to New Years resolutions?...

probably not... and it's not cuz I gave those up for lent or any such cleverly cynical remark, it is because I don't make promises I won't keep (so rare are my promises) and I don't make commitments I won't follow through on (so hair weave will be had before the weekend, even though it is a rather third hand assist of someone else's commitment)... I am not quite floundering in a sea of sin or laying helplessly in a dump of depression or casting aside any responsibilities I feel to living a good, healthy, harmless life... I am getting back to the gym and have the work and am a little good to my friends (yes, Harry, thank you), but I am not in love except in fantasies and in general (which are two great ways to be in love and I love them, but I meant not in physical one on one love in this case as the lyric might suggest)... so perhaps I am not having a mid-life crisis or moral dilemma as much as I am just bored and lonely...

nice spirit elevating entry for this New Year's Eve afternoon, huh?

well, there is way too much giggling going on deep down where the child inside and peanut gallery and other apparently way too secure and happy and independent aspects of my personality live for the part of me that wants to wallow to get away with it for long... dam...

just in case I do not get back later before the clock strikes twelve, I hope your clock-striking moment is an orgasm like you've never known before, even if that's metaphorically or spiritually or any other non-sexual way... and may we get to know each other a bit more and find more friends inside of us and among us in this new year... we can do anything we want to do, you know, we just have to want to enough...

now... dance!

. o O ( NOTES ARE THE NEW HAPPY PILL ) O o .
(just let me know you were here)