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2004-05-08 - 3:58 a.m. 4AM confessions and not alone?... so I have been told and I so much want to believe and yet I remain in this current state of rambling on about loneliness and certainly it is my choice (as too I have been told... so much wisdom... wise people are reading me and that brings out the smile)... so why? why what? why alone? (the smile ought to be self-explanatory)... how much for this question? ($64 thousand seems like a pittance nowadays, the irreverent voice scoffs with a giggle that belies the existential play-money perspective I carry around in my wallet in this life, but this is just another aside to delay the inevitable, or say true, to play with it)... I will use the word addiction in this entry, maybe a lot (maybe not)... I know, some of you cringe at my use of the word, so soften it by substituting in your mind whatever word that means true love and that which you want to do and makes you who you are above all else that does not bring on the cringe... and if you understand my use of addiction, that it too is a choice no matter how it appears, then never mind this paragraph except for emphasis and depth if it should provide such... I love the creative process, the writing... in relationships past this has been a tearing point, my addiction to self-expression and creativity through written words (and others arts and follies) has not been shared by my partners and therefore my writing time (as well as my reading time) was unshared time and unshared time is cancer for a relationship... so I say... so I remain alone by choice (damn me for admitting it, now how can I go on whining about loneliness with a straight face?... shhhh, we're trying to be serious, thankya) because I do not want to enter a cancerous relationship and the person I seek who shares my core addictions (are there too many?) is not around in physical space... I look up at the TV and wonder what is on... I look around for a CD to put into the player... I think I am hungry and wonder how long it's been... "18 hours since the last meal, send food", a voice pipes up from down below... so I pause again (see how easily I can distract myself from deeper ponderings?... but I did answer the question, after all... and then some (links for ye who seek more)... I shall now ponder the fridge... what are you doing (if not sleeping?)
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