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last---past---next---now
�2006 Candor Communications


2006-02-05 - 6:36 a.m.

yesterday's entry (incomplete again)


this entry started Friday and was supposed to be the entry that caught us up with RealTime here behind the candoor, but life happened and here we are two full days later...

so slicing into the entry at this point might seem as haphazard as it might seem and that might be the usual for you, dear readers, here in this world of words, but there really was some clarity forming about 48 hours ago and instead, you get this...

fun for me, but still scattered disjointed disconnected chaos...

note for later: chaos is not always a friend...

so anyway, jumping right in wherever, hope you have fun too...




barelytzu... kind of like An American in paris (except it isn't Paris) meets The Fight Club (except it isn't a bunch of sweaty men hitting each other)... anyway, I read the entry, back a few entries, rode the archive back and started from the beginning... a dozen or so entries into it my attention space wandered (as it's apt to do), but I realized I was addicted (or as close to addicted as I get these days, which is kind of like hand-drawing an elaborate bookmark, placing it in a book you are dying to get back to, then forgetting where you put the book or even which book it was that had you so enthralled... such is the nature of my mind on the internet these days)...

still, I think barelytzu has the makings of someone I could fall in love with the next time my heart decides it's time to peek out from under the covers and sleep write a few more love songs, but then (the other shoe), first impressions are often forgotten after a few moments of distraction...

so anyway, there I am reading and wondering if she'll totally hate me because I love Nestle's Crunch bars and if relating to the world as a cross between Marty and Biff from Back to the Future and Bond, James Bond is a congenital defect we both have or if it's just coincidence when it occurs to me that i'll robably never meet the girl and should stop reading so much into everything and just continue enjoying the journey (cue Aerosmith, Don Quixote, and Harry Chapin, at least)...

and I learned things, like fried grubs tast like kinda like french fries, apparently the Chinese don't mind blowing snot in public... yes, they blow their nose right out there, I mean hurrying down the the street, putting a finger up to close one nostril and emptying the other nostril... I suppose it's better than stepping in dog poo, but they haven't gotten to snot-scooper laws yet...

I'm not sure how smoog would like this...

so I read every entry... not that there were so many, but I was using this computer, which crashes often and changes my browsing directions at the drop of a packet or page error, and I did have the TV on all night (this entry started some time on Friday and it is not Saturday, approaching noon) because I do live with the poster kids of the TV generation, and I did nod off on a regular basis, being that I've yet to figure out just how to proceed through life with no sleep at all, and I did (counting) six or seven loads of laundry along the way, because the last time I did laundry was sometime around Christmas... yes 2005... I don't have that much clothes to go a whole year, after all, and I did cook and eat something along the way and read a few other diaries and leave a comment or few and, well, many things happen in twenty-four hours...

but I did read them all and I would say I am enthralled with the romance and enchantment of an expatriate life, but that could be the fact that Hook (which may still be my current all-time favorite movie and was the last time I made a list and I have not had time, space, privacy, energy, clarity, and lack of obligations or responsibility for a really good catharsis in years, and besides, it's on TNT, so it's edited and killed by commercials, so just a few years shall be shed, which shall prove I am still merely mostly dead and not yet really completely dead)

. o O ( apparently I paused suddenly right about here ) O o .


all the while I was having fun reading Tsu, another window was open (and I am not sure just how it came about as I've been mostly awake from the computer for the past 48 hours as I've been doing laundry and getting to the clutter that must be sorted and put somewhere before any real deep cleaning can occur and for whatever reason, impulses come when we don't pay attention to where they are coming from, or why) I decided that sleep would not be required this weeekend because cleaning would happen {or at least start} and maybe it was all the fruit and fruit juices I bought {and usual pasta-cheese and intant frozen foods I did not but as I found myself shopping unexpectedly Friday morning after getting home as usual ready to plop into the chair and vegetate with the computer but instead for Precious needed a ride to school which meant going back out into a seriously pouring rain and stopping at the store since I was right there unexpectedly thanks to Precious oversleeping and spent money I totally told myself I'd not spend leaving myself quite tight for the rest of the month and it's only the first week of the month but that's all the precursor to arriving home and throwing in the first load of laundry for the year and continuing for quite a while until very early Saturday morning {which would be 24 hours ago now} when Precious and Rasputin woke but requiring showers therein pausing the laundry and cleaning session which did not actually get restarted as the TV went on and the usual as the chameleon in me returning to the status quo energy level and lifestyle habits that have become status quo for this living environment and I am just realizing that I did not continue cleaning in these past 24 hours and 48 hours of my days off are gone already and that does not leave enough time to actually continue the deep cleaning that barely got started and there comes a grumble like a stomach rumble that does not end in the satisfaction of passing gas, but rather, just kind of stops)...

but there has been another window open all this time and it is full of irony now that I look at it some 48 hours after opening it... wanna see?... yes, flylady.net... now, on first glance, I see the site is titled "Your personal coach to help you gain control of your house and home"...

isn't it ironic, dontcha think?...

I really like the anagram CHAOS for (Can't Have Anyone Over Syndrome)...

I live there most of the time and have for way longer than I ever have before and when thought processes about the situation I realize it's an apathetic complacency feeding an ambivalent disinterested fascilitating depressive qualities and self-destructive habits coupled with the seeds of believing in eternal loneliness borne of the festering fungal feeling of fear if friendship and trusting someone intimately that filled the unintentional gap caused by the extended duration of prolonging the agony of the previous experiences of betrayal and abuse at the hands of those trusted to be friends and intimates that has created this CHAOS (Can't Have Anyone Over Syndrome) that appears to be, on second thought confirming the first thought, where I have lived most of the time for way longer than I ever have before...

oh really?...

well do you or do you not just love/hate it when I let my subconscious (or was that unconscious) express the experience of being mostly dead in tangible terms, or at least in flowing ramble, without any punctuation, that, if followed precisely, does explain a whole lot?...

returning to the moment of pause (now almost 24 hours ago) I realize that, indeed, Hook was on the TV and instead of sliding into what might have been the perfect catharsis (given that I had barely slept in the past 24 hours and was heavily involved in scattered showers of stage one cleaning of the living environment, though pausing at that point for a few hours to allow my roommies to have hot water for their showers that meant a pause from about 6:30am to 9:30am, at least, and I don't know what happened to the next five hours because the next thing I remember is the pause, no wait, I might have actually finished reading the entirety of Tsu during that time, unfortunately, not getting back to the cleaning) until the moment of pause which was heading out with Rasputin to eat (he chose the local Chinese buffet,

poignant pause

which is...

really quite appropriate for the madness of the moment as I felt like I was literally (through literary means, that is) visiting Southeast Asia and China for the past twenty four hours and when I got home I remember (cuz we talked about it) the fantasy sports leagues and joined the baseball league Rasputin set up (anyone into fantasy baseball, come on and join... just ask and I'll find the league info) and then I reset my fantasy basketball line ups (since I am somehow still in first place in one of the three leagues I've completely neglected since starting them (hey, I did set the league twice not this year and only completely ignored the teams for about a month and a half so far) once again renewing my pledge to try to find time and remember to continue playing so if, on the off chance I do actually win a league, it won't be too embrarrassing to Raspy and all the other players who set their leagues daily and take the whole game much more seriously than I do) and wait, I am remembering how the deep cleaning intentions were sidetracked better now...

first there was the pause to let the hot water get hot again so the roommies could shower... then there was Hook and web browsing and then there was (maybe a nap of an hour or few?) and then, having not been able to reach August since January due to telephone number snafus (I had three numbers in my phone for her and they all were no longer working) I was not sure what I was doing the rest of the day and being not sure left me on hold for pending further information and then August called to tell me to check email and call back cuz her phone was dying and then I checked email and that brought great (and quite distracting, but great) news and that lead to a change in plans for the day which lead to Rasputin driving over to the local Chinese Buffet which lead to me driving over to walk Saki (Berry and Bert's dog) cuz Berry and Bert are away for the weekend and I spent some time playing with Saki and then got back here and had to reboot the computer (cuz the email program pushed memory over the top as it usually does) and start the browsing session all over again, but that didn't happen...

why?...

that part was apparently lost in the crash (for maybe another nap?... hey, I can hope I was not awake all that time, which would be most of 36 hours by then) but I do have a myspace window open, my profile, in fact... and I recall sending a friend request - wait, I am remembering more...

in checking email I found three emails in the priority folder (those emails, among the tens of thousands that come to my addresses every day, that somehow managed their way through the mine field system of filters) and one was from Phil, of SSA fame and while I am not as involved in the music scene he's created nearly as much as I might want to be because he does live at least two hours away and there was the snafu of the la la (see archives, circa last June or thereabouts) misunderstandings (that effected Phil and I only indirectly, but enough to pause the two of us, who seem to have similarly hermitized personalities, from proceeding further along the path to mutual enlightenment and organizational madness, not to mention all the fun of the fair)...

anyway, in the email from Phil was tons of links and one was to a certain local singer's myspace site and going there was probably the straw that broke the computer camel's back, but I did find myself at myspace accepting a couple of friends requests (yay, anybody else?... there's always hope we'll all be friends and share all the world like John L. imagined) and sending Jenna a request cuz I liked her demo CD that she gave me at last year's Orange Blossom Music Festival...

and then I remember sitting down and taking a nap...

then my alarm (and Bert) woke me to walk Saki again and I took another nap (The Nap, Part Two) and woke and came here...

I think...

so that's why I didn't catch up on the updating this weekend (yet) and where I've been and what I've done and if you're still awake (and can see straight), then I hope you're having fun too...



in summary:

Friday: home, rain, Precious, school, shop, laundry, clean, browse, read, crash, TV, naps

Saturday: blur, wait, pause, browse, read, phone, email, crash, buffet, dog, TV, DVD, nap, dog, TV nap

Sunday: here we are...

time to check the Soap...






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