there are angels out there... and as much as my pathetic attempts at feeling like the loneliest living boy in Orlando (I've already played the part of the only living boy in New York, if you recall that song) are the only fun I seem to be having lately (I know, anyone repulsed by whiny self-pity has spit on my grave long ago, so by my own hands I eliminate many of the less sensitive folk who for reasons of their own are intolerant of any perceived weakness, even when it's just a superficial game they don't care to take the time or maybe don't have the patience or wisdom or understanding or intelligence to see through, but maybe that is for the best if you have any idea of what I am talking about, not anything so lofty as resurrection, yamustsay), I find a note that tears me up and a package in my snail mailbox this morning... Valentine presents (classic music, no less) and words that shiver my timbers... really?... every update?... why am I hesitant to believe?... why am I hesitant to trust?... why am I afraid to depend on anything to be there for me, even far far away or strictly in words or... have I been burned that badly?... is that the way I come off now?... are all of my hopeful words lies I am telling to myself?... is my belief that my doors are open in the real world nothing more than self-delusion?... eeek, scary thoughts...

and a lot of them...

but how to know without someone right here in the physical space to test my apparent hesitation with trust, or maybe fear of belief in another human?... phew, this could be quite a dilemma if I take it seriously... luckily (or not), it is not in my nature (or perhaps nurture) to fret over things that might happen or things that could happen tomorrow... at the moment there is no way to know if the tremulous feeling is fear or excitment or both... or what sort of fear or excitement if it is either... if the distance is my wall (say it ain't so doc) or just the distance itself... if the words are just words because they are just words or if the words are a way of maintaining distance that I might actually want (no, no, no, a thousand times no) even as I believe I want intimacy...

wait a minute... this is the daily life diary where the mundane details of moving through the moments is supposed to be recorded for posterity (there's my old friend again) and perhaps my perusal in some future life (or if there's time later in this one) and maybe for the one who wants to know everything there is to know about me (now that's love, huh?) and anyone who cares (and some do, in spite of my doubts... so what if they, the doubts that is, are based on cruel and unusual punishment, personal torture, and empirical evidence in the physical world... what, me doubt my doubts?... yeah, the truth is funnier than fiction, no wonder I am always laughing... alas, even amongst the few who have shared unconditional love, I don't think anyone has ever truly understood my sense of humor)...

is this where the woe-is-me part begins?... oh be serious... serious?... and what is serious?... truth is I love everyone and everything unconditionally... not the word love, not the superficial commercial Valentine or even Christmas love, not the hypocritical religious love, but actual doo whatever I can to help make your life better right here right now love... I give the shirt off my back to strangers (too often) and let friends, co-workers, and anyone who really seems to need to walk all over me... I help anyone I can any way I can... so why oh why am I so alone?...

does my natural aversion to waste and fat put out "stay away" vibs to fat wasteful people?... goodness (actually, not so goodness), that would be most of this country... no wonder I am finding it more and more challenging to find intimacy as the years pass for as the years pass I have less patience for the lazy self-destructive insensitive ways of the average human...

hmmmm, we may have a clue...

deep in my heart, I still believe (yeah, overcome... if it's anything like overdrive, I want it abundantly and often, really)... facts, let's get down to facts... ok, on trying to be non-judgmental... I don't pretend I'm any better or lay any judgments on anyone... people want to commit suicide, slowly or suddenly, that's their choice... people want to waste away their lives, that's their choice... I don't particularly want to get close to them, but I don't blame them for anything or look for ways to put them down... well, I try not to... the eco-system would be a whole lot healthier if people made healthier choices, but if humanity is to commit collective suicide, far be it for me to put them down for it... I'm part of the problem, I have some of the worst human habits... when in Rome, perhaps... or some such game I play to ease the boredom...

but maybe there is that invisible layer of energy that keeps people away... some aura thing... subconscious psychic energy... an alien artifact embedded in my skull... or something like that...

meanwhile, all this profound nonsense is disrupting the banal babble of yet another solitary morning... watching the Sci-Fi channel with at least half an ear (wondering why the companions don't just come out of the closet and realize cooperation works better than conflict, no matter how final it might be... some higher consciousness they have... imagining what it would be like to have super sensitive senses like the sentinel... dreaming of a band of friends like the Sliders gang... or is it just wishing I had someone like Wade with whom to wander the universe?... well, with the right person sitting around and feeling the grass grow under our butts would be just as fine as trekking through the stars or alternate universes, but alone, a sci-fi life of wandering explorations and adventures would be much prefered to this daily human loop, and again I digress... ah, the wonders of TV)...

what about the angels?...

ah yes, the angels... that is what I came here with... the thought of angels... not in the typical religious sense... I mean, just because a word is used by a certain religion and given some meaning that does not mean that meaning given is the only meaning the word can have... god, for instance... or even God... did you ever consider Arthur C. Clarke's story called The Nine Billion Names of God in your theosophical wanderings?... and what did drive Mohammed (or was it Mahammed?... yeah, as if we truly know the correct spellings of words translated into so many languages by people hungry for power and control over the masses and the labor the masses produce, but thank you Mr. Burke and company, another time for the sociophilosophical lecture, ummm, ok?) to wander into the desert anyway?... some profound message from some superior being or just the sheer boredom of everday human life?... and was Jesus the one and only son of God? (which God, what god, who's?... there were no Christians around when he was born, the had to do a re-write, after all... and how does it go, we are all God's childen?)... ooops, there are a couple of mutually exclusive concepts, at least... but far be it for me to point out the supposedly holy books appear to be full of them... of course that is just a skeptics perspective, or a realist, or a believer in something else, anyway, was Jesus a believer in something else?... or maybe an idealist who was fed up with taxes and corporate merchants and hypocritical religious leaders and took a stand against the power structure of his time based on a faith in the human spirit and a love of life and well, call it God's will for the sake of the masses... and now or tomorrow, what word would sell to the Rosewell generation after the aliens actually reappear or science finally connects with another life forms somewhere else in the universe?...

well that bit of babble passed a little time... and what else would you like to (or not like to) think about today?...

angels, yes, the angels... am I avoiding?... bless you for blessing me with a timely and tangible give that lets me know you not only care from afar but take the time to get to know me through my ramblings online... may you find the peace and happiness you seek and well deserve in your journey through this life... there is so much more to be... and still further along in the spirit of music thank you for rummaging through the rambling and giving the musical hopes in my spirit reason to breath sounds again... it is wondrous to know I am not as alone as I feel...

but just for the hell of it, before I mush the crap out of myself with emotional baggage, I'll thank poundy for reminding me... there are so many people online who, through words, inspire me to wish I could spend a few endless nights listening to them eye to eye in the offline world and go listen to this (well, click on the link on the page the link here takes you to) and listen closely and maybe you'll understand where at least part of me comes from... I could be singing the song in my own Brooklyn apartment (and one day maybe I'll find the diaries I wrote in my Brooklyn and Manhattan apartments once upon a time)... I could be that hippie chick (didn't you see me use the word aura in a serious sentence just a minute ago?... what's a sentence?)... I don't think I could be her boyfriend, though, even though I grew up on canned tuna...

dammit, laugh, cry, or do something already (was that an outburst?... was it you or me?... meant for you or me?... these and other questions will haunt us for all eternity or at least until we close this paragraph... remember, there is more seriousness in my irreverence than in the Bible and all the other holy books combined and more irreverence in my seriousness than in the Torah, or at least the phone book... did they really mean to make the dance rhyme with the book?... ah, another haunting question, huh?... offensive ghosts, no doubt)...

ok, bottom line (cuz all things, good or mediocre, must come to some end, or at least pause, sometime):

thanks for the hug, the reassurance, the laughs... and most of all, thanks for being there... you are my angels... yeah you...

. o O ( NOTES ARE THE NEW HAPPY PILL ) O o .
(just let me know you were here)