LIFE

IN
BLACK
AND
WHITE



last---past---next---now
( FEATURED OTHERS 'n STUFF )

MEG AND DIA!

ORLANDO?

WHERE IT BEGAN


ARE THEY SERIOUS?
(how far are we from censorship?)

ONE. . . WHY
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Barbara Waters: so candoor, what all this fuss about blogmad?

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o O ( ALTERNATIVE MEDICINE ) O o

CONVERSATION WITH GOD

MEANING OF LIFE
FORWARD THIS ENTRY
INTELLIGENT DESIGN

(SEE WHAT THE POPE SAYS)

o O ( AND COMING SOON! ) O o

ABOUT ZOOPLA

o O ( AND CURRENT EVENTS ) O o


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HELP THE RED CROSS
MESSAGES FROM MISSISSIPPI
BLOG FOR RELIEF
NEW ORLEANS JOURNAL

(MIRROR OF N.O. JOURNAL)
(INCLUDING LIVE CAM AND PHOTOS)

HELP AND BE HELPED
HURRICANE HOUSING
LINKS TO HELP
IMAGES FOR HISTORY
New Orleans News
Buloxi News
THE FAILURE


FREE SPEECH
(tell them what you think)

The White House
(202) 456-1111

Senate and Congress
(202) 224-3121

YOU'VE GOT THE RIGHTS
USE THEM





FAT MAN WALKING
BLOGATHON!
INDEX BEGIN
FACE FUN!



last---past---next---now



SITES I SEE A LOT
IxQuick Search
Google Search
itools references
movie database

Giga-Quotes

Harry Chapin Lyrics
SSA




OLD AND NEW READS
(WISH I HAD MORE TIME
TO READ and EXPLORE)

mother jones
utne reader
common dreams
the progressive
mediate
the other side
orion
harper's
rolling stone
reel classics


fallout shelter
the memory hole
song meanings
truth out
wil wheaton
bugmenot
global news matrix
break for news
are you generic?
neil gaiman
h2g2
daily kos
the truth laid bear
reason
capitol hill blue
boing boing
nobody here




SITES I AM CONSIDERING
SEEING MORE OFTEN

3Hive
metafilter
comics
digg





REFERENCE LIBRARIES

questia
wikipedia
gutenberg
internet public library

itools references
movie database
Giga-Quotes
rare-lyrics
all musicals




AMUSEMENTS

Diaryland Times
home star runner
hell
hell too
sinfest
ill will press
the guide
purple
despair
maximum awesome
86 the onions
straight dope
something awful
glossy news
eric conveys emotion
odd todd
cracked



CULTURE

the superficial
darwin awards
this is true
urban legends
news of the weird
church of the fsm
the onion
god checker
faqs
fark
iGod
post secret
webby awards
meetup
the white house
ragged trousered philosopher
the smoking gun
the defective yeti
landover baptist
evil bible


COMMERCIAL CRAP (AND PRON)

(Note: pron is porn worth a look for amusement much more than passion, so if you see a (p) next to a link, be aware naked people may appear if you click it, m'ok?)

beautiful agony (p)
(a turn on or a laugh?)
real doll (p)
(the ultimate self-indulgence)

(or it could just be a typo)




PROMPTS
(IF YOU KNOW ONE LET ME KNOW)


Unconscious Mutterings
Friday Feast
Wednesday Whatevers
Sunday Brunch
Monday Madness
Thursday Threesom
Saturday Questions




(make it real)

PO BOX 780398
Orlando, FL 32878

send me some music
your favorite music
old or new
blissful or blue
let your message come through
and I will love you forever



last---past---next---now
�2006 Candor Communications


2005-12-24 - 8:52 p.m.

the night before xmas


and what have you done?...



so Xmas eve rolls up on the time line and I find myself alone... Precious is up north visiting family... Rasputin is down south with his new girlfriend's family... I've got the place all to myself all weekend, which is a wonderful gift I have been enjoying (it's a weekend of optimal comfort and relaxation, sitting around naked again, just like the ones I used to know)... more information than you want on Xmas even, perhaps, but heck, at least you don't have to have visions of me shimmying down your chimney in my birthday suit... well, at least you didn't have to have visions of...

yeah, I know...

and so it is Xmas, and one thing I've done is I found myself on the LifeCycle for thirty minutes just a few hours ago... this comes as a shock to me, even more a shock to this body... the scale says 220, which is good actually cuz it means that is still the set-weight limit in my hypo-whatever in my brain... I have rarely seen the scale go above that and even though I do feel infinitely better in this body when this body is in the 180s or lower, it is good to know I have an instinctive max set-weight that keeps me from becoming grossly obese... all I've got for Xmas is my pit belly, that is good in this context...

maybe I'll give myself the gift of getting to the gym tomorrow too... or at least again before this week is out and more often as the new year begins... I was thoroughly crushed by my performance... I seem to have misplaced my abs and stamina and mind... I feel pathetic, physically... definitely not good for the spirits (but having the unexpected gift of space all to myself for a few days has my spirit bouncing off the walls {no worries, spirits seldom leave stains} and inspired me to get to the gym for the first time in months so all in all, it's a wonderful life...

speaking of classic Xmas films, the TV gave me a choice between It's a Wonderful Life, White Christmas, Gladiator, A Christmas Story, A Christmas Carol, The King and I, Dr. Doolittle 2, Harry Potter, The Mummy Returns, Murphy's Romance, Phantom of the Opera, Meet The Fockers, Bram Stoker's Dracula and dozens of other offerings, including Bozo, Gar, & Ray WGN Classics (how can it get any more exciting?... well, at least in Chicago)... I turned on ESPN and caught up on the sports that happened while I slept and will leave it on because the football game they have on will not distract me as much as everything else (it's the local team, UCF, who had their best year ever, losing their conference championship game, playing in the Aloha bowl) and I think I shall browse the internet tonight...

yes, I'll be visiting internet friends for Xmas...

it's the best I can do since I don't have a home to be home for Xmas to, ya know?...

I shall return to update this entry throughout the night, so it will not be done until it's done, so stop by tomorrow if you actually want to see what happens in this entry... yes, Christmas Day... there's great places to visit linked below too... if you're too busy to visit this weekend, no worries, I hope you're having too much fun to even put into an entry and I hope you are not sitting around alone and moping cuz you don't have to... you can write or call and I'll listen to your story or tell you mine or answer any questions you might have or just feel connected (I won't mention you if you want to keep private, just say so) and less alone... your choice, I hope you make the choice that is best for you...

I'm gonna go make myself some Xmas lasagna now, so see ya later...

and back again, finally, hours and hours later... and so it is Xmas now, and what have I done this year?... well, so far I read Smash's entire diary and dropped a few comments... along the way some heart-wrenching-and-lifting movies played in the semi-background and many different sorts of tears fell... tears of missing the sharing I once knew, the sharing I watched on the screen... tears of sadness for the world who fears love, who fears the magic of believing in love, who fear themselves... tears for the way we neglect and ignore the world we live in... tears of joy for the hope that still rises in me to let me fly high above the sorrow and pain and gives me energy to believe...

such love there is in the world, in me, without fear... Phantom of the Opera just ended... and I hear the music of the night and feel the loneliness of the monster, the misunderstood child who strikes out in some futile attempt to ease the pain, but it never words, it only creates more pain... if we'd only understand that... if we'd only live the love instead of the fear and doubt...

and the passions (imagine a body shivers somewhere to the music of the night) that so many call, out of fear and misunderstanding, wrong, perverse, or evil... the damned damn us all with their fear and oppression... not a very Xmasy thought, I suppose, but then, as I said, the music of the night still dances in my head and I do relate as much to the Phantom as I do to the dream he and Christine shared, for a few brief moments, the unconditional trust of passion and lust in innocence and hope...

I have heard that Xmas is a time for wishes, for dreams, for miracles... and I wonder if that could possibly be true, or ever was... or things we don't want to ruin by asking too much...

and then, spontaneously, suddenly, and quite impulsively when you meet someone and wish, without thinking of consequences or anything, "I wish I could have been her first" (adjust pronouns as necessary), is that a miracle or a tragedy?...

amongst humans, the unconditional love is so rare and unconditional trust even rarer, if it is actualized and shared at all here in this world... and along the way I've scarred myself deeply, given up everything to become the bloated pauper just to see if beauty could truly love unconditionally and I found, more than a few times, that it could not...

humans will choose the golden calf almost every time...

and yet I stay, I do not die, and sometimes I wonder why because it seems so futile sometimes it seems so brutal here...

and yet, I try, to believe in love I give it all for love and the chance that love might appear...

yes, haunted by the music of the night, I am... Yoda would be amused, I'd say... and to segue away into more lighter fare, into less dark refrains, I remember listening to bornearly as I drifted off to sleep last night and I feel the smile that her voice inspired... she took me back to days at the fair with Judy Collins and Joni Mitchell and Christine Lavin and the sweet sounds I find in flowers and trees and meadows and the breeze...

and now, in some form of conclusion to this immaculate Xmas eve celebration, I shall put more beautiful music on now and enjoy the bliss while endeavoring to read the complete entirety of Dandy's current diary from the start... I suspect I will fall asleep along the way, as I did with Smash last night (that does not sound like it was meant to sound in any way), which is absolutely no reflection on the writing but has everything to do with the fact that I have been awake a long time and it's approaching my bed time... and I enjoy falling asleep listening to music and reading... it's almost like I'm not sleeping alone, in my head...

my head is easy...

the Xmas lasagna was delicious, the movies were emotional roller coasters, and now, the reading was fun and thought-provoking, and the music reminded me of music (which means a lot more than it sounds like)... I suppose I could have articulated the wild and wooly party I was throwing for myself in my head for the past twelve hours (yes, it is morning), but then, I didn't and that's just the way the cookie crumbles sometimes... hopefully you got a taste somewhere throughout this babbling...

and that was my night before Xmas...

so now I will say Merry Xmas and Happy Sunday and blessed be and you too, be of good cheer in your own way as I wander off to the bleary eyed portion of my readings while you consider visiting some of the most wonderful people in the world who just happen to be linked below the helpful links for the people who are still rebuilding their lives after the hurricanes and you who just happen to want to help them some more...

I really enjoyed my solitary time, but even still, I hope for next year I'll be sharing all these intimate emotional roller coaster moments with someone who just happens to share a mutual love for me and themselves...

bless the dog and us, every one...



RED CROSS
OTHER WAYS TO HELP
English: 1-800-HELP-NOW (1-800-435-7669)
Spanish: 1-800-257-7575 TDD: 1-800-220-4095
Hurricane Housing - - - Blogging for Relief
many ways to get and give help
list of ways to donate or help
more links to donate or help



and then please send love to all of these bea-u-tiful people too:



and this is where I wandered this week...

and this is where I wandered this week...

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and this is where I wandered this week...

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and this is where I wandered this week...

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and this is where I wandered this week...

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and this is where I wandered this week...






. o O ( NOTES ARE THE NEW HAPPY PILL ) O o .
(just let me know you were here)




see me - - - feel me - - - touch me - - - heal me


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the moment

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