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last---past---next---now
�2006 Candor Communications


2005-10-17 - 9:19 p.m.

words on the net


Alex did it again... kicked me right in the gut, that is... it's a good thing, really... after I look up from the doubled over position and decide whether I am going to throw myself a pity party or take a serious look at the facts of the matter and be happy that I found words (even if they were not written with me in mind at all and not nearly directed at me) that are perfectly and effectively confrontative in my own mind to wake me up inside...

I was asking for it just yesterday, or sort of yesterday, a couple of entries ago... and even as I wallow (keeping it inside... something about wilderness?... something I can't hide?... can't fight this feeling anymore?... forgotten what I started fighting for?... take this cup away from me for I don't want to taste it's poison?... I... only want to say... if there is a way... the oddest {and most profound, sometimes, and so much, and...} music haunts me at the most inpopportune times {and typos, dear typos, that's inopportune... but pop a tune by papa tune amuses me even while writhing on the floor from an effective gut blow} and time is bought {huh?} and steam let off {ummm...} and recovery is made {oh, well now} during the parenthetic distraction {and I suppose secrets just must be told} so what's up with you?)...

and even her mom in comments quoted a favorite quote of mine to kick me in the head (intellectual kicks are kicks in the head, they remind me of what I think... emotion kicks are kicks in the gut, they remind me of what I do... kicks in this context are effective reminders... I mean, just in case any of you, dear readers, missed the point and thought there was some S & M abuse party going on... and a little levity, like a spoon full of sugar does for medicine, helps deeper thought {no, not the computer in the unwritten sequel to the odd trilogy that isn't really a trilogy by Mr. Adams} go down), but why should I be surprised that the person who birthed her should not have the similar power and ability she possesses...

for you, dear readers who rarely or do not click on links, I include the comments inspired by this (and I don't know, should I include the entire entry that someone else wrote in my entry?... this is a real question, not a rhetorical one, please answer with your opinion in comments)...

I include this primarily to help me remember, as this diary and all the words I write are primarily to help me remember things I think I should remember, although words directly to someone else are just as much meant for that person, but also (including the words here, in case you're drifting from the point along with me) because maybe the words might mean something to you too if you've ever come to that place of frustration between caring and wanting to do something and wondering what to do and wondering if anything matters at all...

in case you wonder, after all...

this is the Alex I think I love most...

here I am, waking with no time and little energy and I find your words inspiring my smile (after kicking me in the gut, especially since I release myself into rhymes {and fucking poems} to release the angst and survive the very hypocrisy and frustrations you described)...

I love you and your mom (that Mead quote is a favorite)... of course my loving you means nothing when you are facing the hard core reality of pushing a pebble of caring up a mountain that is giving you a landslide of anti-caring (insecurity, fear, greed, corruption, selfishness, apathy, ambivalence, and bullsugar {that's sweetened bullshit, the stuff most people buy into to survive} excuse me)...

wanting what you want is a first step - not giving into the complacency, the apathy, and the acceptance of the status quo is the next step... motivating enough people to care enough to actually do something is the next step... words can be the motivator is presented properly... motivational speeches in the right forums create those small groups of thoughtful, committed citizens that can change the world...

it is still pushing a pebble of hope and idealism and caring up a landslide of fear (of change, of failure, of rejection, of loss, of hurt), but that is the task before anyone who cares enough fo do something...

choosing the right group to join (or form)... finding the time to network, communicate, create the bonds between a few other caring motivated people who have the courage and strength (and time and money) to do the same... that is the first challenge...

knowing how it can be done, knowing what must be done in theory is not good enough (that's me)... if I knew how to actualize the movement of caring pebbles up the mountain, I'd do it (I hope)...

what I do is I work 45-60+ hours a week nudging pebbles, a few kis who'd been discarded by everyone, up that mountain... my life is not over, but I have failed in that bigger task of changing the world so far...

not very inspiring, but the truth...

you have your own choice and a brilliant mind and a different time and your own uniqueness and I hope you succeed better than I have...

I send you all the hope and positive energy and cheering support (and whatever else I can send)...

now you are getting ready to make the promise to yourself and to your life and the others in it...

may you keep it better than anyone else ever has...

I believe you can.

and then, not to be outdone by my conscious mind, my peanut gallery (those parts of my brain that love to laugh at me and keep me on my toes) noticed that the muses of finger tapping or the winds of chance or maybe even my own subconscious mind included a couple of typos in my comment and wanting the comment to be taken seriously and knowing that typos lead some to automatically write off content, I left the following comment to correct the meaning of the thoughts and as an attrempt to lighten the mood a bit... whether it works or not is up to you:

and maybe I don't edit and leave in typos to test my self-forgiveness for not being perfect, which is an essential ingredient for success.... there is an 'is' that should be an 'if' "words can be the motivator 'if' presented properly... and 'kis' was meant to be 'kids' (in the 'what I do' line)...

maybe those typos were my subconscious emphasizing those two thoughts (to remind me that what I do, though not nearly enough, has merit?)...

irony amuses me...

you inspire me...

thanks.

I left her yet another comment after that one, but I'll leave it for you to choose whether you care to go read it because, after all, I am not your mother and even if I was, dear readers, sometime a nudge out of a comfortable nest is more love than all the years of nurturing provided in the nest...

or so I'm told...

it sure didn't feel that way at the time...

but then I was younger than most, and I digress into ancient memories which are not the path for this entry to take at this moment...

ironically, I think I am heading to the gym at this moment...

talk about responding to a kick in the gut, huh?... so for now, the conclusion of this entry shall be the words I wrote at work last night (I mean, in addition to these, which, it just dawns on me, might prove that there is an ethereal cosmic-like connection between like minds as at least one of Alex's lines did feel like a close and personal reminder for me to avoid my own perculiar hypocritical and complacent traps, but that's a thought to ponder and perhaps giggle about in a more metaphysical entry I suppose)...

anyway, this was how my writing at work started yesterday and how this entry would have started had Alex not butted in:




I remember when my entries used to be more fun...

the irony of finding fun in an entry about death may be lost on me at the moment as I rush these words together so I can get to the gym and get back and shower and still be at work on time, but maybe I should not be amused?)...

anyway...

one of the challenges at work is to come up with something to write that is new and exciting (because I do not want to just continue adding to the piles of mostly meaningless drivel I've put on to paper over the years, especially when I am putting the drivel out here for public consumption...

but then, it's a free country and we're all equal and I've got just as much right to filibuster as any politician, so maybe this thought is a nevermind)... after all, if I ever find time to look back on all I've ever written, I'd like to feel like I didn't waste my time writing then as now...

but here at work there is so much frustration to vent and so much hopelessness to process and I wonder if writing here will be a positive ecxperience for anyone...

this diary is meant to be focused mostly on life in black and white, and mostly life as I know it in my mind... any news from the outside world that slips in here is mostly accidental, the exceptions being your writings, dear readers, and the writings of others that I stumble upon as I wander around the net from day to day... while I used to have a soapbox full of social conscience and burning desire to save the world, it was never my intention to be any sort of leader or rallying point... ego might have stepped into the spotlight if the opportunity presented itself, but it never did and there's no telling what the rest of my might have done once I was out there... found some way to drive everyone away, no doubt...

all through this life being myself was more important than making friends or fitting in or pleasing anyone... and as it turns out, I seem to be a rather different sort of person who is not accepted well in some circles and not understood at all in others... I do not buy into the standard package of human fears and rules and that has always seemed to alienate me in many ways... it is unfortunate for me because I have a powerful desire to share this life intimately and completely... but the desire to be myself supercedes even that desire and the loneliness that comes from being me in this world does not seem to weaken my resolve to be me enough to pretend I can be anyone else (I may be wrong, but I think many do that)...

maybe I should try one of those 101 things...






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