Sometimes I think I have absolutely nothing to say and if I write, nothing worth reading will be written, but I write anyway because, like breathing, not every breath is sweet but every breath is necessary.

and sometimes, when I least expect it, someone comes along and reminds me of something I wrote when I was feeling closer to my core, more secure in my certainty of being happy with me and ok with everything...

not that I am so far off from that peaceful security too often, though I explode into angst ridden debates with myself regularly to exercise my mind (especially in solitary times) and these debates (or rants or whatever we might call them) could easily give you, dear reader, the impression that I am worried or stressed or uncertain or losing control of my senses - or at least more insecure than I actually am...

the smile is not always evident in my rambles, sometimes because I deliberately leave it out (or disguise it - sometimes because it distracted from the meaning I wish to convey), sometimes because my subconscious lets my conscious mind forget (so I can experience what it might be like to actually not know what I know and be more uncertain about myself and insecure about everything than I am...

that is called being human, right?...

the irony is that (referring back an entry a bit), because I choose to forget consciously and yet want to remember subconsciously, I need someone to remind me that I need nother but to continue to learn and grow by remaining open to everything and share as much as possible (through words, for instance) by myself (in the sense that writing is solitary sharing, not quite the oxymoron it may appear to be at first glance) until someone comes along to share in the sense that sharing is done when two or more share...

that might have been touching on part two of the previous entry, but I am not sure we are going there as that is not what was intended when I sat down here to write tonight because I have slept only sitting up for brief naps in the past thirty or so hours and have not blocked off an eight hour (or any more than a five hour) sleep period in the past week due to stuff I wanted to do that can only be done (at least according to my current knowledge and ability) while I am awake... I hope to someday learn how to do laundry and other tasks in my sleep (like I kinda write in my sleep already), perhaps theough some unconscious telekenesis, but for now I find I must be awake to actually move objects through space and therein get things done in the physical world...

and some things have gotten done (mundane stuff, like cleaning, laundry, shopping, sorting through and organizing folders on the computer, fantasy sports, library stuff, and going out with people)... the living space is about 80% surface cleaned and about 60% deep cleaned (my areas are close to 100% for the first time in months and I started before Smash {l'auteur} pointed out Zon's list, though I will admit {and here and now send appreciation for} the motivation to complete the basic living space tasks I too often ignore these days... ah, I've come a long way from my gripe-entries about the living space that popped up back when Rasputin first moved in, haven't I?... ever the chameleon, ever adaptive to compromise in order to maintain the peaceful flow of the words and life and creative process, aye?)...

anyway, I have been blessed by people here online who remind me every now and then, often when I least expect it, that life is a wonderful experience for the living and a traumatic experience for the dying and the difference is perspective because we are doing both all of the time whether we let ourselves be consciously aware of it or not...

on a related note (at least in my crosswired mind), you may recall me scientifically calculating (ok, so I kept the mathematical proof in my head, but you believe me, right?) that the-moo = love...

well, I just want you to know I was right... again... and I'll keep telling you because she is and deserves to be praised and loved as much as possible...

what up with phones getting on the anorexia bandwagon?...

I mean, you had the Razor, all the rage, and that wasn't thin enough so now you have Thinner, which sounds like something out of a Stephen King novel... what's next?.. Card?... or how about Slice?... it's a piece of paper you write on and pop into the mail, the next greatest thing in cell phones...

I don't know why I linked this, really I don't...

one of the most frustrating things in daily life is when listening to TV at night or day (I listen much more than I watch) when others are sleeping, to keep the TV at a considerate volume the remote must be grabbed at each commercial and at the re-start of the program because the volume of the commercuals is louder than the program and eventually I forget and miss most of the program because I did not turn it up again...

the advertisers must consider this a clever way to get us to pay attention to the commercials, but for me it just leaves a bad taste in myn memory that returns whenever I see the advertiser's products... I think that might happen a lot in human subconscious, but I am not sure how many of us are actually aware of it...

and then there are those, like Rasputin, who are more mesmerized by the advertisements than by the shows, probably because they do shout out and therein get his attention...

this is why she named her diary shutupmom... well, maybe not, but it seemed to make sense and could be... I was so going to steal that idea way back in '02 when I first found it... but then, I don't usually deliberately choose to be unoriginal and besides, my home phone was almost never not busy way back then cuz I was a dial-up kid until recently... besides, I work nights and don't have a decent answering machine on my home phone... so I never did write a taunting dare you to prank me entry... I think... my cell number has been right over there on the left for years now though...

meanwhile, in the chop shop (where I fantasize about driving because I love to drive, though I don't do this nearly as much as I used to)...

I don't need the speed of the fastest cars anymore, but I wouldn't mind test driving a Bugatti Veyron (though I'd probably wait for the 2007 model which is anticipated to do 0-60 in 2.5 seconds, which isn't bad for a car without a rocket... of course the a Saleen S7 would be nice at less than half the price (or a quarter of the price of a Ferrari FXX... sigh)... though any of these would be fun to play with... but realistically, I'd probably go for a Chevy Corvette Z06, which would not require a six (or seven) figure payment... and even the economical Ford Mustang Shelby GT 500 would placate the speed demon in me (at a bargain $40,000 price, I'd have enough left over to get a Lotus Elise, one of the affordable elite convertibles for sunny days)...

you can sort through a fun to dream on sortable table of all the performance cars sold in the US (there's probably a similar table for the UK and other countries) right here...

go ahead, gas mashers, click and dream...

the preceeding fantasy paragraph is dedicated to Smash, who's gas mashing foot deserves a Bugatti and my wish for him is that he someday gets one... at least...

and we'll have fun fun fun...

on the other hand, I was thinking about how shut down most people seem to be... how fear replaces love and consumes our will to dream or do much of anything about our lot in life... after years of playing the typical success game, living very well by U.S.A. standards, quite happy with the lot I bought and paid for in this life, I gave it all up for an inner dream, a more intimate, much less material dream... resetting my priorities was deemed as a very stupid move by most everyone I knew (by U.S.A. standards)...

now I choose to live in the U.S.A. as much out of ignorance as reason... I have not lived in other countries (other than Canada, and if wasn't so cold up there most of the year, I might be living there now) and I do not speak enough of any language other than English to feel permanently comfortable with the idea of living in a country where I have a steep learning curve just to communicate well enough to survive...

I like conversation too much...

the allure of learning has called at times in this life, but when the allure was greatest, the finances made such a move foolish and when the finances were available, life here was too much fun to move elsewhere... it's a big country and even in travelling around for almost a decade, I've not explored it all...

but it's not just ignorance of language that keeps me here... it's the comfort and ease of life... at least it was comfortable and easy when i was rich, it's more of a daily grind now that I am poor, but the fact is I believe, for all the stupidity done in the name of spreading religion and freedom, the consitution of the U.S.A. is the best written guide for government for me...

I don't think most people in this country know enough about the importance of the constitution, of how it has done what no other document in history has done, guided a nation of hundreds of millions of people to unprecedented power and closer and closer to freedom, peace, and advancement on almost every level of human development (though some ideals, like equal rights, took a very long time to come to pass and still have a way to go before the ideals of the consitution are actually put into practice) while living freely in an organized human system for over two hundred years... and in spite of a current administration's attempts to turn back the clock, I believe we are still advancing more people to greater peace, freedom, and prosperity than any nation in known history...

I believe the increased population makes today's achievements in managing a free society exponentially more amazing than any free state in the past...

so I choose the U.S.A in spite of it's flaws because for all that may be missing in this culture, for all that is corrupt or decadent or diseased (and there's a fair share), as much as I am ethically opposed to many of the international actions the leaders of this country has undertaken, I believe this country consistently offered and still offers the most diversity in opportunities and experiences for the average Joe Citizen...

now if we could just leave behind the puritanical fears of our bodies and religious dogma and live by the laws of the land (true separation of church and state, rights to privacy, and all the other freedoms granted by our consitution) and continue actualizing the ideals expressed in the original documents upon which this country was founded...

all that to say I am very much not a typical American in daily life as existentialism is not intentionally practiced as a way of life as far as I can see... of course, living in this consumer culture, my existentialism is relative... I lived with less than I have now for a few years in NYC because personal transportation and commodities were easier to come by, a short walk away, there...

so I got to pondering all this nationalistic stuff because I was considering U.S.A. standards... personally, I think U.S.A. standards are arrogantly extravagant, obscenely wasteful, neurotically restrictive, and dangerously biased in most aspects of life... but then, this could be the best humans can do...

shut down, unenlightened...

naaaaaaa, only in the minds of, well, other humans...

no wait, I'll be serious...

all that (and this) to say that even though I choose to live here for many reasons and I think this country is based on the best ideas humans have come up with to date, I mock the standards of this culture because I see them as shallow, fear-based, wasteful, narrow, self-destructive, and painfully unenlightened...

and I chose to give up what most call the good life (and the awareness of that peaceful security I mentioned earlier... really, I don't know where it went... what's that on the ceiling?) to live the life most seem to live, the struggle, the vegetation, the shutting down of sensory apparatus and zombie-like repetitive days and nights... it's the epitome (epi-tomb?) of mental illness for my mind and I'm sometimes not sure I'll survive it intact, but so far, who knows, it's an ridiculous way to live and way to die and I am still crazy enough to be amused at my success at wasting time and taking up space...

so can we still have fun?...

sure hope so, even if we don't see eye to eye, even if I always feel alone (though I will keep hoping, you know, hopelessly hopeful romantic and all, even broken down and shivering and redundant, at least on the surface... who's laughing, aye?)...

where did I put that T-Bird, anyway?...

and in closing, for the moment (the mind never actually closes, in case you wondered), I reiterate why I remain alive even as I assimilate into the foibles and ridiculousness of normalcy (at least in recent years) in this world... maybe the most enduring quality that makes me me (and keeps me hopefully I will figure out something worthwhile out of all this solitary vegetative time) is the most tilted windmill of all - that dream Don Quixote and I seem to share... to wander the world in search of love, my own Dulcenea, and along the way, slay some dragons, but only the bad ones, and make the world a better place...

call me strange, but I love my mind, even when it's only making sense to me cuz it's a fun place, odd windmills and all...

hope it's good for you now and then J

PS... God said the lottery numbers are:

no really, just ask Gump...

see what you miss when you don't read all the way to the end? (wink wink nudge nudge and

all.................

jaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaazzzzz! )