LIFE

IN
BLACK
AND
WHITE



last---past---next---now
( FEATURED OTHERS 'n STUFF )

MEG AND DIA!

ORLANDO?

WHERE IT BEGAN


ARE THEY SERIOUS?
(how far are we from censorship?)

ONE. . . WHY
(find your social conscience)

Barbara Waters: so candoor, what all this fuss about blogmad?

Candoor: Blogmad? It's better than ever! Get more visitors (or find me in chat there). Register now and tell me for extra credits. VARB?


JOIN OR RE-REGISTER NOW

welcome blogmadians... and the rest of you, while still in beta, you can still join the latest greatest party on the web, blogmad!

SUPPORT BLOGMAD! BUY STUFF



o O ( ALTERNATIVE MEDICINE ) O o

CONVERSATION WITH GOD

MEANING OF LIFE
FORWARD THIS ENTRY
INTELLIGENT DESIGN

(SEE WHAT THE POPE SAYS)

o O ( AND COMING SOON! ) O o

ABOUT ZOOPLA

o O ( AND CURRENT EVENTS ) O o


blogadvance blogazoo
blogexplosion blogmad?
bloglines


o O ( SOCIAL CONCERNS ) O o

HELP THE RED CROSS
MESSAGES FROM MISSISSIPPI
BLOG FOR RELIEF
NEW ORLEANS JOURNAL

(MIRROR OF N.O. JOURNAL)
(INCLUDING LIVE CAM AND PHOTOS)

HELP AND BE HELPED
HURRICANE HOUSING
LINKS TO HELP
IMAGES FOR HISTORY
New Orleans News
Buloxi News
THE FAILURE


FREE SPEECH
(tell them what you think)

The White House
(202) 456-1111

Senate and Congress
(202) 224-3121

YOU'VE GOT THE RIGHTS
USE THEM





FAT MAN WALKING
BLOGATHON!
INDEX BEGIN
FACE FUN!



last---past---next---now



SITES I SEE A LOT
IxQuick Search
Google Search
itools references
movie database

Giga-Quotes

Harry Chapin Lyrics
SSA




OLD AND NEW READS
(WISH I HAD MORE TIME
TO READ and EXPLORE)

mother jones
utne reader
common dreams
the progressive
mediate
the other side
orion
harper's
rolling stone
reel classics


fallout shelter
the memory hole
song meanings
truth out
wil wheaton
bugmenot
global news matrix
break for news
are you generic?
neil gaiman
h2g2
daily kos
the truth laid bear
reason
capitol hill blue
boing boing
nobody here




SITES I AM CONSIDERING
SEEING MORE OFTEN

3Hive
metafilter
comics
digg





REFERENCE LIBRARIES

questia
wikipedia
gutenberg
internet public library

itools references
movie database
Giga-Quotes
rare-lyrics
all musicals




AMUSEMENTS

Diaryland Times
home star runner
hell
hell too
sinfest
ill will press
the guide
purple
despair
maximum awesome
86 the onions
straight dope
something awful
glossy news
eric conveys emotion
odd todd
cracked



CULTURE

the superficial
darwin awards
this is true
urban legends
news of the weird
church of the fsm
the onion
god checker
faqs
fark
iGod
post secret
webby awards
meetup
the white house
ragged trousered philosopher
the smoking gun
the defective yeti
landover baptist
evil bible


COMMERCIAL CRAP (AND PRON)

(Note: pron is porn worth a look for amusement much more than passion, so if you see a (p) next to a link, be aware naked people may appear if you click it, m'ok?)

beautiful agony (p)
(a turn on or a laugh?)
real doll (p)
(the ultimate self-indulgence)

(or it could just be a typo)




PROMPTS
(IF YOU KNOW ONE LET ME KNOW)


Unconscious Mutterings
Friday Feast
Wednesday Whatevers
Sunday Brunch
Monday Madness
Thursday Threesom
Saturday Questions




(make it real)

PO BOX 780398
Orlando, FL 32878

send me some music
your favorite music
old or new
blissful or blue
let your message come through
and I will love you forever



last---past---next---now
�2006 Candor Communications


2005-04-17 - 3:12 a.m.

and why are you out there?


it is one of those moments wherein I wonder just what it is that I am doing here... I mean, besides giving myself carpel tunnel syndrome... and I am looking at a bigger picture than this diary, but not quite the whole big picture (like I'm not wondering just what it is I am doing in this life or in this world at the moment... I'll leave that for when Hitchhiker's Guide comes out).. it is the (drumroll, please) what am I doing here on the internet question that rises from the deep dark dustbins of my mind...

now before you go running to the notes button to reassure me that you are reading and caring and loving what I do (please don't knock anybody over getting there), I am not (at least not yet) pleading for attention and reassurance and confirmation and validation and praise and all that good stuff (but hey, just because I am not pleading does not mean you have to hold back any love you feel you must share this moment, or anytime)...

I really have some desire to be serious tonight...

really...

alas, my cynicism or irreverence or whatever it is we might call my perspective on everything and my own perculiar sense of humor to boot is definitely playing with me (and therein you) tonight, but still I stubbornly do my best to squeeze the seriousness out of my brain and between the lines...

it is 3:19 AM on a Saturday night... I am just arriving home from a party I never got to, that is, the party was over before 1am and we left here after 11pm and then we drove almost an hour before finding it, so Rasputin and I drove to a Steak N Shake and had dinner... or breakfast, depending on your time zone... working night shift, every meal is whatever we wish it to be...

and along the way I was contemplating the life I live here in Orlando... it is most unsatisfactorally a life devoid of physical intimacy, a life without creative play, a life without intellectual sharing... a life that does not stimulate or challenge me beyond figuring out how to best care for and help others... selfishly, I want more...

I have loved, I have lost... I created success in the professional world, in the material world, had wealth by western standards, and let it all go... I've known power and autonomy, lived independently wealthy without working for almost a decade and I tired of it... I have no wish to return to any position of power or material wealth... I have no wish to return to the western world's pedastal of success... I wish to live a simple, existential, harmless as possible life...

and I wish to love, and to be loved, again...

I began wondering, as Rasputin drove around this town, if and how where I am matters in all this... is it just my perspective, or perhaps the world as it is, that the infinite quest for knowledge, for sensory exploration, for creative play is not respected, appreciated, or even wanted around here... and do I mean Orlando?... Florida?... the American South?... the Western World?... humanity?... would anywhere else really be any different?...

perhaps it is the conservatism that has swept this country over the last twenty five years that has me feeling out of place, an unwanted and therefore untapped well of energy and creativity... and perhaps that is merely my ego stretching into fantasy... did Timothy Leary have something profound to share that reached many, moved many to question the roots of their philosophies and ways of living or did he just come along at the right time and express an instinctive rebel yell and call for freedom?...

you say you want a revolution...

you better free your mind instead...

but does anyone actually want any sort of revolution these days?... does anyone question the exhorbitant tax bill each citizen is mandated to pay each year... or what all those trillions of dollars gets spent on?... does anyone even care about how many people suffer in order for the people in power today to remain in power today?... does anyone see each citizen's responsibility in financing the power structures that perpetuate that suffering?... what about the church and state?...

how many of you go to church?...

The Boston Archdiocese avoided bankruptcy by agreeing to sell land and buildings for over $100m to fund legal settlements to more than 500 abuse victims.

In February 2004, a report commissioned by the Church said more than 4,000 US Roman Catholic priests had faced sexual abuse allegations in the previous 50 years, in cases involving more than 10,000 children - mostly boys.

and how many abuses of power are not reported?... ten for every one that is?... a hundred for every one?... a thousand?... yet you support a multi-billion dollar business that abuses children and tells rape victims of war criminals that they must bear responsibility for their rape for the rest of their lives and their children's lives?... but it's nothing personal, of course... it's not as if you mean any harm with your taxes or offerings or tithes...

maybe you do not see the connection between your faith in God and the thousands of years of abuses perpetuated by your church leaders in collusion with political leaders in order to maintain and increase their power and wealth... and maybe there is no connection... maybe the people who were raped and abused are making it all up... maybe they are possessed by the devil... everything is so easy to write off when believing in good and evil spirits that take responsibility for human actions...

and what of the political crimes?... what good comes of perpetuating the hate between religions?... is there any human religion that is not based on loving neighbors, on doing good works, on living a life that is based on love and spiritual kindness?... I don't think so... and yet, our political leaders rally around flags of hate... our elected leaders push buttons of fear and instigate passions of division and disagreement... instead of seeking peaceful ends to conflicts, instead of reaching for the roots of the divisions to find the common ground where we can all live in peace, our leaders propagandize and provoke terrorism and use the actions of a few madmen to justify spending your tax dollars on killing innocent women and children in the name of protecting you from those few madmen...

and we are told the people we bomb are happy that we invaded their country and set them straight... might makes right... the winner makes the rules... might makes right... the conquering army has always written the history books... so far, at least...

but what if those countries had nothing we wanted?... what if there was no oil there... or better yet, what if you used your tax dollars to develop the existing technologies for creating power to become free of dependency on foreign oil?...

would an oil company president support that?... would a President who's family made their billions in the oil industry support that?... or would the oil industry prosper in the face of continued conflict requiring continued presence in the oil-rich nations of the world?... does human nature dictate that the wealthy few should give up the source of their wealth in order for the many to live in peace?... or is it human nature to close our eyes to the atrocities we pay for in order to live comfortably in heated homes with full refrigerators and expensive cars and designer clothes and the lion's share of the world's wealth?...

all we need is love?

could you dillude yourself, while knowing only living in the lap of luxury your entire life, that it is best for everyone if you remain in power and do whatever it takes to keep yourself there?...

what if you knew all the secrets behind all the curtains of all the countries of the world, if you were head of the most powerful intelligence organization and then leader of the most powerful country and then your son was, would you use all your contacts and power and knowledge to help your son maintain and improve the family business?... would you justify promoting hate so that your pipelines could continue flowing?... would any father who loves his son do any less?...

and here (offline), in my relatively powerless, practically meaningless little world, I sit pondering why I am alone... why I find no one close at hand who relates to life, the universe, and everything the way I do... why no one sees eye to eye with my eyes... and why so few people in this world today rally around a flag of love, of honesty, of purity, of peace...

it seems to me that humanity goes through cycles... there is a few years of enlightenment and then decades of dark ages... this history appears to continue repeating itself again and again... ambivalence and arrogance becomes violence and enlightenment becomes disillusionment and selfishness and honesty and caring go underground as the cycle of returns to ambivalence and arrogance again that lasts until the tension of hiding our heads in the sand comes to a head and repressed youth rebels and leaders arrogance gets out of control and an explosion, a revolution of conscience comes and starts the cycle all over again... the fifties, the sixties, the seventies, the eighties... and the nighties saw signs of the angry youth, but music and lack of a cause to rally around, or against, kep the movement of enlightened thought underground... and now we exist in the malaise between ambivalence and arrogance as leaders push the envelope of power and abuse while the masses conscience sleeps in ambivalent sleep...

I think these thoughts... I question beliefs in gods... I question scientific theories... I challenge power structures in small ways... I give no quarter to ignorance or cruelty in my daily life... I see and ask about the hypocrisy in everyday actions... I look people in the eyes when I walk down the street and ask to see the truth in their hearts, the meaning in their souls... I reach out and touch anyone who comes near me with a smile...

and I wonder why I am alone in this world?...

perhaps I deny the bed I make for myself... I do not want to believe that everyone is a hypocrit... I do not want to believe that no one wants to explore and face the whole truth, or as much truth as our minds can comprehend... I do not want to believe that everyone is content living in these current dark ages... I do not want to believe that no one wants to actualize peace and truth and love in their daily lives... I want to believe that someone, somewhere exists today that not only wants to, but awaits another who wants the same and lives to share the wonder and excitement of creating a life in which peace and truth and love are truly actualized... in everyday deeds... in every breath...

so what am I doing here on the internet... writing my thoughts about this and that, about the world and myself, about isms and ologies, about dreams and fantasies, about passions and possibilities... I cry out in the night in pain and angst and throw myself pity parties... I rant and rave about whatever strikes as unjust or harmful... I fantasize about falling in love and living happily ever after... I express myself as well as I am able in words... and I hope to be noticed, to be found by those who might understand... by those who might reach beyond the darkness for enlightened thought... for those who might dare believe we can actualize peace and truth and love...

and for someone who is free to join me in this quest...

so once again I come to write an entry about one thing and find many different paths, many different points are touched along the way... and perhaps that way of literary meandering distracts from the overall point of this, this life, myself, this thing I do on the computer... perhaps I offend sensibilities... perhaps I am read with confusion or misunderstanding... perhaps it all gets too complex... perhaps that is why I am alone...

so I simplify...

I reach out here on the internet because I hope to make some small difference in this world... because maybe some of you will find the love I seek to express, the hope I feel for you and humanity, the peace I seek to share... and because maybe someone will find me and come to share the rest of this life and whatever eternity may bring...






. o O ( NOTES ARE THE NEW HAPPY PILL ) O o .
(just let me know you were here)




see me - - - feel me - - - touch me - - - heal me


< last one < < < < BURP! > > > >next one >




.

.

.

.

.

the moment

we interrupt these seemingly mindless dots for a word from (or at least about our sponsor (hmmm, sponsor?... what's the opposite of sponsor?)... anyway, now, as ado-less as possible, the word for you or andrew)...

you know that box to the right on the dland entry page called recent public entries?... what do the asterisks mean?... and the bold?...

. . .

connections

.

.

.

.

AND WHATDYA MISS?
Laughing Lament
stranger brews
once upon a diaryland
babbling through computer concerns
stunningly missing
older still


random chance

who me?

leave a note?
(read archived notes)

send me mail?

you want to know me?
soundtrack
101 Things
The Sequel
The Trilogy
202 Things
200 Things
202 More Things
202 Things Again
testing123
have time, love words?
sleepwriting
(where the heart dreams)

and now, in RealTime�

DO ME!
(Johari Style)


DO ME WRONG!
(but do me right)


SOAP!

(EPISODE ONE)
(the dark side of candoor)


loving linkers
other loves

A Diaryland Survey
other surveys
small world
your profile matters
(search for you & find me)


tell others
read others
applause?
favor?
gift?

get your own!

saturn rings and other places
googlisms
browsing
where've ya been?
the searchers

favorites

911
HEY AMERICA!
LOOK AT YOUR CHILD
STOP THE ABUSE

(GET THE CODE)

THOUGHTS ON GOD

( temporary attractions )


BACK TO #1 @ GOOGLE!

WAS #1 @ MSN!
(for a while, now on page 3 5)




(EXPERIMENTAL PLAYTHINGS)
RSS?



who links here
blogwise
Blogarama
Globe of Blogs
blogthings

~ BLOGLINKERS ~




~ BLOGROLLING ~
(Blogroll RSS)


Blogroll Me!

published
blogadvance
blogazoo
blogexplosion
blogmad?
bloglines



(PREVIOUS TEMPORARY ATTRACTIONS)
TSUNAMI INFO
fantasy sports?
BLOGGIES?
sorry everybody
Orange Blossom Music Festival

Deland Music Festival
MIT Survey

brilliant idea
Celebrate Birthdays
FOR FREEDOM



CONTINUE...
talking dog






SAY HELLO
407-325-1482





and if you want to leave
take good care
hope you make a lot
of true friends out there