LIFE

IN
BLACK
AND
WHITE



last---past---next---now
( FEATURED OTHERS 'n STUFF )

MEG AND DIA!

ORLANDO?

WHERE IT BEGAN


ARE THEY SERIOUS?
(how far are we from censorship?)

ONE. . . WHY
(find your social conscience)

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o O ( ALTERNATIVE MEDICINE ) O o

CONVERSATION WITH GOD

MEANING OF LIFE
FORWARD THIS ENTRY
INTELLIGENT DESIGN

(SEE WHAT THE POPE SAYS)

o O ( AND COMING SOON! ) O o

ABOUT ZOOPLA

o O ( AND CURRENT EVENTS ) O o


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o O ( SOCIAL CONCERNS ) O o

HELP THE RED CROSS
MESSAGES FROM MISSISSIPPI
BLOG FOR RELIEF
NEW ORLEANS JOURNAL

(MIRROR OF N.O. JOURNAL)
(INCLUDING LIVE CAM AND PHOTOS)

HELP AND BE HELPED
HURRICANE HOUSING
LINKS TO HELP
IMAGES FOR HISTORY
New Orleans News
Buloxi News
THE FAILURE


FREE SPEECH
(tell them what you think)

The White House
(202) 456-1111

Senate and Congress
(202) 224-3121

YOU'VE GOT THE RIGHTS
USE THEM





FAT MAN WALKING
BLOGATHON!
INDEX BEGIN
FACE FUN!



last---past---next---now



SITES I SEE A LOT
IxQuick Search
Google Search
itools references
movie database

Giga-Quotes

Harry Chapin Lyrics
SSA




OLD AND NEW READS
(WISH I HAD MORE TIME
TO READ and EXPLORE)

mother jones
utne reader
common dreams
the progressive
mediate
the other side
orion
harper's
rolling stone
reel classics


fallout shelter
the memory hole
song meanings
truth out
wil wheaton
bugmenot
global news matrix
break for news
are you generic?
neil gaiman
h2g2
daily kos
the truth laid bear
reason
capitol hill blue
boing boing
nobody here




SITES I AM CONSIDERING
SEEING MORE OFTEN

3Hive
metafilter
comics
digg





REFERENCE LIBRARIES

questia
wikipedia
gutenberg
internet public library

itools references
movie database
Giga-Quotes
rare-lyrics
all musicals




AMUSEMENTS

Diaryland Times
home star runner
hell
hell too
sinfest
ill will press
the guide
purple
despair
maximum awesome
86 the onions
straight dope
something awful
glossy news
eric conveys emotion
odd todd
cracked



CULTURE

the superficial
darwin awards
this is true
urban legends
news of the weird
church of the fsm
the onion
god checker
faqs
fark
iGod
post secret
webby awards
meetup
the white house
ragged trousered philosopher
the smoking gun
the defective yeti
landover baptist
evil bible


COMMERCIAL CRAP (AND PRON)

(Note: pron is porn worth a look for amusement much more than passion, so if you see a (p) next to a link, be aware naked people may appear if you click it, m'ok?)

beautiful agony (p)
(a turn on or a laugh?)
real doll (p)
(the ultimate self-indulgence)

(or it could just be a typo)




PROMPTS
(IF YOU KNOW ONE LET ME KNOW)


Unconscious Mutterings
Friday Feast
Wednesday Whatevers
Sunday Brunch
Monday Madness
Thursday Threesom
Saturday Questions




(make it real)

PO BOX 780398
Orlando, FL 32878

send me some music
your favorite music
old or new
blissful or blue
let your message come through
and I will love you forever



last---past---next---now
�2006 Candor Communications


2006-02-20 - 11:06 a.m.

sometimes I wonder why I continue...


sometimes I wonder why I continue
sometimes I wonder why I go on
is it a show, am I a story?
where does it end, when is it gone?
has it all been just a dream?
does anybody know what . I . mean?


. o O ( fade . in ) O o .




all I've ever wanted was one person to live for (someone that I would die for, someone that I could live for too), someone who lived for me and all the love I give, the help and caring I share, the best intentions I strive to actualize... everything I do for others feels very good, but I keep hearing a voice inside say that the primary reason for my being here is to share the fairy tale romance with one (one girl, one special girl, one girl to be with forever and ever)... sigh...

dumb voice, huh?...

the fact is that I could be satisfied living in a bubble with one, living anywhere doing anything... all other desires, all other aspects of my life would happily take a back seat and rest if I could spent my time sharing space with the one who reaches me at my core, the one who fits, the one who is my match...

hopelessly hopeful romantic...

anyway, back down to Earth, as long as that person is not around, I ramble on from this to that, from ethereal to visceral, from silliness to seriousness, from oblivious to social awareness... exploring everything rather randomly... hoping someone might be interested in sharing a thought or few... hoping I might contribute something good to the world...

silly me...

so I found myself uploading my weekend entries in one swoop yesterday morning and wouldnt you know that the Sunday morning entry was once again a preachy sermon kind of thing (rather socio-political this time, I'd say)... I laugh at the seriousness of life most of the time, but that does not mean I do not take life seriously all the time...

I just flit and flutter about more than most anything else these days because there's nobody here on the ground waiting for me when I come down (not to mention nobody flitting and fluttering around with me, shall we move right into lament?... where'd everybody go?... oh, well, some other time then)...

meanwhile, in the real world, what I was doing in RealTime for at least a few hours yesterday was download music from the audiography community and while my hard drive slowly approaches too full to function and my listening pleasure is delayed until I have a computer that can work well with audio/video files and programs without crashing, I still feel the thrill (however vicariously and displaced in time) of the music just knowing it's going on my hard drive... one day very soon I must move the files to a CD so the computer can breath a bit deeper again...

it's a semi-random download of songs because I just download everything (without adjusting file names or identifying the person who uploaded it, which leaves a lot to be desired, but the music comes in and I will get to listen again (and wake up to feel again) one of these days... the first thing I want to do when I get a better computer is put all the random files I've accumulated from other people's computers and the internet and sort through them and organize them and rename them (and maybe even identify them... oh the time that might take and oh the fun that would be even if no one shares it with me but of the fun that sharing that would be) and return to the music the way I knew it throughout this life...

and start mixing again...

. o O ( shhhh, even amidst the din, he hears in silence ) O o .

and sleeps...



if you blinked (or less metaphorically, simply have not visited here this weekend) you may have missed three entries like most everybody else... have no fear, I shall not weep more tears for those who sleep for years even as I became one I still was having fun as if I didn't know but you know I knew (even if you acted as though you didn't know I knew you did), so sing another lullaby or few...

I miss those golden slumbers...

the oddest thing about sleepwalking through life is perhaps the misnomer for there surely seems to be no rest... but seriously to you dear readers, thank you for being out there... and most gentle loving hugs to you who keep coming back (and I sense you there without a word)... most seriously of all, please realize that my begging for attention and acknowledgement and love is not as desperate as I make it out to be (dang, I'm telling secrets again... can't seem to keep my psyche veiled in mystery for long, can I?) and you are so very welcome and appreciated to just come by and read...

you bless me with your presence, you honor me when you add me to your favorites...

so pay no attention to the ego behind the curtain as you visit behind the candoor... your caring is what matters most... and I do hear the silence, not only for it's sorrow or boredom or rushed moments, but for all it's beautiful love... I hope this is the reason you return, believing I care about you...

you are welcome in my world in any way you wish to come... sitting quietly on the sofa, dancing naked in the yard, napping on the patio, hiding out in the bedroom, munching at the table, sitting next to me chattering away, any way you come, you are most welcome...

those of you who say nothing are valued for you do not return to read yourself commenting, you do not come here to shine, you simply return to find out what I think, how I feel, and who I am... or maybe to just be distracted from your day/night for a while... you ask for nothing but to read and I want you to know you are appreciated for being here...

if you think nobody cares
I understand
I sometimes think nobody cares
look at my hand
it reaches out and comes back empty
it offers help and love a plenty
but distance keeps you all at bay
the words are all we've got today
I want you to come out to play
with me today

and if you feel like no one cares
I understand
sometimes it feels like no one cares
it wasn't planned
as we rush through days for a dollar
we miss so much I want to holler
how many of us are feeling this way
the words are all we've got today
want someone come out to play
with you today?

if words are all we have then let's enjoy them
these words are all we have so let's employ them
to express how we feel
and believe it is real
as I am here and you are there
and we believe that no one cares
let words we share make us aware
that someone cares

I care, you care, we care
we can share this comfort zone
I care, you care, we care
we don't have to feel so alone


and even this far from my musical roots I still think in rhymes and feel in melodies... and even after all the pain I still believe we can live in peaceful harmonies... and even though the last time I felt completely in my skin was long ago... I still feel the rhythm in my heart, a silent symphony of life where love can flow...

don't let my great depression fool you, the childinside still love to smile and momentary distraction does not obliterate my style for my extraordinary enjoyment of life still seems to have no end no matter how great the great depression I still feel like my best friend...

what can I say?... I love my company... fun is my way... even when the road gets bumpy... and the pits of despair are crying out for my blood and I feel like a lost stick in the mud there is still something amusing to me about everything I see and no matter how lost I seem to get in the mud of despair... there's still a constant part of my heart that's aware... it's my choice to feel good and when I care... so I care and feel good and I try to share... so if you think nobody cares I understand the way that feels... can we change the way it feels?... can we change the way we feel?... I believe we can but you have to give these words the power to reach your heart and let it feel the caring can be real if we make it real...

how many of us are feeling this way
the words are all we've got today
want someone come out to play
with you today?

it starts when you believe the words I say

I care, you care, we care
we can share this comfort zone
I care, you care, we care
we don't have to feel so alone


so yes, the optimism and joy for living continues to shine deep inside even when it may not be visible to the naked eye, even when I feel all tangled up in blue... and so yes, last week's single's awareness day may have brought me sadness deeper than I would let myself consciously know at the time because I am just so good at distracting myself cuz loneliness is such an old friend it can sit silently by unnoticed while I play with myself and have much fun in my imagination as if caring in a vacuum is enjoy to make for a fulfilled life...

and what if it is?... would that be so strange?... and what if it is and I don't want it to be?... would that make me strange?... well it's not wrong to be strange and in fact on me it feels just right... of course that might be why I am alone tonight (har har har har)... I must be cruel to laugh at my misery... or maybe I just enjoy the drama (hee hee hee hee)...

suddenly a Mars Volta song calls out to me... cries out to me... I will never sleep alone... yes, I am one of the haunted who loved so deeply once that the love reached infinity (and beyond) that the memory of her breath on my cheek remains as visceral today as it did a hundred years ago... perhaps it was another life, perhaps I just feel the years longer than they are, but the power of love remains with me and for better or worse, for pleasure or frustration of any new partner, I will never . sleep . alone...

what I miss most about music is the communication... how music spoke to me and how I spoke through music... how I could stay awake for days playing song after song searching for the perfect next song on a mix tape until I had a mix tape that would near perfectly express something I so wanted to say... a mix that would remind me of some vital information... a mix that would communicate with someone exactly what I wanted them to know... and the connection that could come from sharing the mix, from finding someone who could feel something close to what I felt making and then listening to the songs...

I so miss the musical story... I used to imagine them all the time... music was always on around me... and I'd listen to songs and over they'd come together in my head to form bigger pictures, stories that went well beyond the individual songs... it wasn't too often I met anyone as immersed in music as I was, but when I did there's a connection that could not be described in words alone, but suffice to say there was magic involved...

and then I fell in love with the dream
and the dream consumed me
when they exhumed me
I couldn't be found
without a sound
a musical dream made the world go 'round

and then I fell in love with the girl
the girl of my dreams
and she consumed me
when they exhumed me
without a sound
I couldn't be found
without music my world was not around

now I don't know where I'm bound
where I'm going doesn't matter
reason, rhyme, all idle chatter
serve it on a silver platter
I don't hear it anymore
nothing's like it was before
when dreams collide
there's nothing left inside
the music died


no, no no, we can't end there... not lost in despair... somebody must care... please, please, please, I'm down on my knees... it can't be all lies... say there's a reprise...

what did you expect from a dreamer like me?... what did you think you'd get from a broken heart, a family?... what do you want from me now, I'm done... the song is over I hope it was fun...

what?... which where who?... feeling so numb... where is this musical dialog coming from?... when did it begin, when will it end?... who has the answers?... is this pretend?...

maybe if I simply walked away...





. o O ( pausing for a nap ) O o .



















evil, ain't i?






. o O ( NOTES ARE THE NEW HAPPY PILL ) O o .
(just let me know you were here)




see me - - - feel me - - - touch me - - - heal me


< last one < < < < BURP! > > > >next one >




.

.

.

.

.

the moment

we interrupt these seemingly mindless dots for a word from (or at least about our sponsor (hmmm, sponsor?... what's the opposite of sponsor?)... anyway, now, as ado-less as possible, the word for you or andrew)...

you know that box to the right on the dland entry page called recent public entries?... what do the asterisks mean?... and the bold?...

. . .

connections

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.

.

AND WHATDYA MISS?
Laughing Lament
stranger brews
once upon a diaryland
babbling through computer concerns
stunningly missing
older still


random chance

who me?

leave a note?
(read archived notes)

send me mail?

you want to know me?
soundtrack
101 Things
The Sequel
The Trilogy
202 Things
200 Things
202 More Things
202 Things Again
testing123
have time, love words?
sleepwriting
(where the heart dreams)

and now, in RealTime�

DO ME!
(Johari Style)


DO ME WRONG!
(but do me right)


SOAP!

(EPISODE ONE)
(the dark side of candoor)


loving linkers
other loves

A Diaryland Survey
other surveys
small world
your profile matters
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tell others
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applause?
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gift?

get your own!

saturn rings and other places
googlisms
browsing
where've ya been?
the searchers

favorites

911
HEY AMERICA!
LOOK AT YOUR CHILD
STOP THE ABUSE

(GET THE CODE)

THOUGHTS ON GOD

( temporary attractions )


BACK TO #1 @ GOOGLE!

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(for a while, now on page 3 5)




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