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2004-01-01 - 7:48 p.m. welcome to my whining world... it is ironic that I start reaching out more while I am still in this dumb whining phase for feeling sorry for myself is not something I respect and while I sincerely respect and wish to show respect for all those I reach out to, I can only show as much respect for others as I do for myself and I am not showing myself nearly as much respect as I can... whether I should or not is another story... there are truly some beautiful people online... people who come through words with sincerity and compassion and and genuine vulnerability... and in spite of my history of being deceived by words, I still appreciate the ability to appear real through these rather abstract characters we call letters... I hope you can understand my trepidation about trusting words... I have more than once fallen in love through written words... through paper and pen writings and through online letters I have trusted unconditionally... I have invited people into my life and on a few occasions, lived with, slept with, and promised undying love to someone who came to live with me via written word meetings... in every case, the relationship ended badly... in every case, the compatibility through words did not carry over into the physical world... in every case, the beautiful unconditional trust was violated and the promises of undying love were broken and the commitment to stay in touch no matter what did not happen... we were both fooled by words, I guess... at my end, and I can only speak for myself, each of those people are welcome in my world today... I wish they would stay in touch... but they did not live up to their words or promises or expressed ability to adapt and compromise and love unconditionally... if they did, they'd still be here or at least still be in touch... I am far from perfect and I made mistakes too... but the art of love is compromise and the way to compromise is forgiveness and that is what I do and that is what they would not do... yet... see, there's always hope that they will learn to forgive themselves and then me and then get back in touch... it's not easy for people seeking perfect love to forgive someone who appeared to be the perfect love who then would not live up to that perfect love and ran away instead of working on it, but hey, anything's possible... I believe this entry will be misunderstood... but it is a start to espressing an important point that hopefully I'll come back to and maybe if you care and have questions your questions will help me find the words to express what I mean to say better... maybe when I stop whining...
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