"Consciously observe your speech over the next few days and see how often you criticize other people, belittle their achievements, make assumptions about their motivations, blame them for things that have happened to you, or make judgements masquerading as observations."

~ Kilowatt

I do it all the time... and perception is everything, so just because I know my tongue is in my cheek ninety nine times out of a hundred and I laugh at myself the rest of the time does not mean you know that... and perhaps I sit on a high horse all aloof or something and pretend to be self-satisfied as I tell myself that the one will see through the playful cynicism and pathetic whining and foolish frustrations and constant complaining to understand it's all play designed to keep me interested in continuing through all thise alone time until she gets here... or perhaps my feet are on the ground and it's no pretense...

there's really no way for you to know from way out there beyond making your judgment and either taking the leap of faith in me somewhat blindly or writing me off based on the superficiality of the words I write... yes, superficiality is relative too... but then, maybe you don't get it (some do not like hauntings, or something {self-analysis and confrontation, perhaps?} else)... but if we do not accept the reality of the levels of sharing we actually share, how can anything be real in our lives?...

as deeply as can be expressed emotions in words, words can not come close to how deep it goes (and remembering Heart now, and Dreamboat Annie, and the waves on the Pacific seashore, and more... so much more)... I barely scratch the surface of all I feel and who I am in words... that does not mean I to push you away, that means to set the record straight, to bring our sharing into the beautiful light of reality... physical reality in this world as our senses perceive it... some may consider it a cold hard light, but perspective, remember?...

and the waiting is the hardest part... if you recall the latest CD stack, we're up to Tom Petty (in case memory did not serve you there)... and with a casual country rock flair, the music keeps me out of the deepest depths of the waiting and the lonelies and downbeats that can follow... suddenly I am thinking of Bryan Adams... ah, the mind...

a few inspirations are sitting on the desktop in open windows and other influences are tugging me closer and farther from diving into them even as I write this... Raspy sits on the couch doing his usual thing... Precious is in her room on her computer... CDs continue to go through the copying process on the old desktop... later, we'll all be meeting Helen for a walk through the sites and sounds and smells and tastes and textures and ambiance of the annual state fair... and at the moment I sit here in the big green chair contemplating my navel and other depths while music plays in my ears...

and I continue... for me, the odd thing is that perhaps, as inferred by the quote above, some people do not consciously observe their speech or let their awareness bring the consequences of their actions into their conscious minds... I usually do and I usually find myself sitting here wondering why most others don't... one of my first conscious thoughts and observations in this life was I wonder how can anyone be comfortable going through life wondering why things happened and looking for someone else to change or fix things and not realizing that they made things the way they are...

and then a sad thought comes to me... maybe most people are not comfortable... and then another thought, that maybe my wish for the goodness of the human heart to be pure and true is not the facts of life... maybe people really do know what they do and say what they mean to say... maybe my wish for the human heart to have nothing but pure good intentions is not true...

I shudder and stubbornly remain ambivalent to the possibility...

the best thing about being comfortable with the unknown is accepting what I don't know without pretending I do know and therein, I can believe what I want to believe... I'll continue believing in the inherent goodness...

so the lack of awareness must come from somewhere... fears... why choose to turn off senses or disconnect consciousness from the experience of life?... rushing?... textbooks and philosophers have all sorts of theories, but each person makes their own decisions based on their own reasons... and if the lack of awareness exists, I wish it weren't so...

is this a negative observation?... perhaps... is this a backhanded insult?... perhaps... it is not my intention to spread negativity but maybe this is a simple case of if the shoe fits for all of us, me and you both... my intention is to wake us up to the harms we do and help us actualize more harmless, more productive, more fulfilled lives... I hope you find a purpose that satisfies you as much as mine does me...

whatever happens, we can still change our minds...

. o O ( NOTES ARE THE NEW HAPPY PILL ) O o .
(just let me know you were here)