I mean, besides the fact that I am consuming too much caffeine and sugar, not getting nearly enough exercise or loving, and generally treating myself with a glaze of apathy, ambivalence, and nonchalance... bake at 325 and baste often... and then join me for cocktails at blogmad cuz I'm not through with them yet even if I took a bit of a vacation this week (and this entry took forever to complete and my intention of getting a few more done and getting over to blogmad today was thwarted in real time as you shall see if yu actually read the entry below and don't just click to your next credit� not that it's all that exciting to anyone who doesn't care, but maybe you care and don't know it yet� anyway, continue)�

I've been working... I mean, of course I've been working, but I mean I've actually been working at work instead of rambling on in my own writings as I'd been doing for some time... what can I say, the place is a mess and I can occasionally be conscientious... in recent weeks administrators have been flooding me with appreciation (unfortunately, none of it comes in the form of cash and the prospects of any pay increase are substantially less than the likelihood of hell freezing over, if hell exists and is the fiery place it's purported to be, that is, but it still feels good to have the old ego stroked in the work world even if it's most likely meaningless, transitory, and as likely to change as the wind)�

unfortunately for us, that means fewer words�

ironically, if you've been paying attention and took the time to check up on me, I actually am sort of keeping up the RealTime� blog in some manner of blogging and while it amounts to a post before bedtime, so to speak, summing up the events of this life as I've lived it since the previous post, there is some touch of the babbler peeking out on to the world wide web for you�

I mean, we know you just can't get enough of me, right?�

oh please, even I have to laugh myself down from that one� maybe you'll get the joke eventually� but only to set off on another egocentric flight of fancy, of course, as the bigger surprise than the RealTime� blog is the fact that the onion blog has seen it's fourth post� yes, that's right, fourth posts in a blog on a personals site from the 50M kid� I was never much of a sprinter, but seeing the 50M under my picture makes me think of track and field or water sports, being the irreverent that I am�

I miss getting physical�

on a serious note (not that missing getting physical wasn't serious), now that, at least for anyone who noticed (and so many will in this culture before they notice anything else), I may no longer be accepted as nearly as enigmatic and the ageless child cartoon character I often appear to be in my literary appearance�

truth:

does the 50M change your perceptions or expectations of me and my writing?�

of course only those who will say "no" will comment, right?�

ok, maybe I should have said on a cynical note�

I wish we didn't live in a world where the 50M suddenly puts me in a box that excludes most of the humans online today from relating to me the same way they did before, but that's kinda why I don't relate well to most humans� the fact is (if you can handle the truth), I don't know how to be a 50M by our cultural rules and I am a proud failure at living up to the world's standards� see me grin and throw out my chest (and back, for the humor of the image)� and the fact is that I relate much better to 5M and 5F and below, truly, because there's much less prejudice, assumption, fear, and stupidity there� if that offends or upsets you, well, find someone else to put in a box, ok?�

now the few of you left with your hearts and minds wide open (or at least striving to get there) and understanding that honesty is the only way to be real and everything else is fiction (fine for a lark or a party, but not where I want to hang my hat and put my head down each day {or night, in your case} with my partner in crime), thank you for your patience and love� your continued reminders that I am not as alone as I sometimes feel are manna in the wilderness of loneliness�

and back to being the seriously irreverent me�

maybe� but definitely back to thinking about the new onion blog, I've noticed that they do not allow outside links at there, so I must resort to subterfuge in text and hope interested readers will search for candoor at diaryland and the dot net as I suggested so they can read more of my babblings and find the actual introductory pages I attempt every now and then� alas, the rules and restrictions of our culture are only emphasized in smaller communities, especially online� and that's why I lose interest eventually, because I don't mind putting on a set of rules, like I don't mind wearing clothes when I must or dressing up for fun, but I prefer, when most comfortable, to be free and naked�

I don't know if the writing there will differ much from the writing here, but it might� if you check out any of my other blogs I'd appreciate knowing whatever difference you might see� they each have some purpose, however vague it may appear sometimes, but whether what is in my head is actually sorting out into the various writing spaces is not always easy for me to see from within the piles of words�

so suddenly I am maintaining three different blogs on an almost daily basis and the fourth itches to be daily again too (and I won't really be coming back to life until the mostlydead return to daily logging of the workouts that will be worked out daily, so can I maintain five daily blogs and work out an hour or two a day and still work full time and find some sort of actual offline social life (cuz what's the point of living without that, after all?) and then there are all the others and the rest of the written gardens online, I mean, if you have those few years to catch up and scratch the surface)�

time will tell�

meanwhile, I'll keep listening for time's answer as I ramble on about this that and the other thing� and talk in text with Smash� and feel the love of Moo� and ponder the puzzle of Pf� and love you (and them) and you too�

and life just keeps happening�

Precious came out of hibernation (she's been in her room a lot lately on her first days off for summer vacation) to share music and her life of late� her boyfriend kind of silently put their relationship on hold again (last time he did this, last year, he dumped her� on Thanksgiving Eve� she's getting a similar vibe, so she shut down and lost herself for the past few days in downloading seven hundred sixty eight songs, approximately� her coming out might mean she is ready to find herself, confront the boy, and deal with wherever might be going on, which might mean this day is going to take a sudden dramatic turn� ah, to be seventeen again and ride that roller coaster for the very first time as if every turn was the beginning or end of the world� excuse me whilst I get a bit vicarious here)�

anyway, I think she sensed I was awake and slightly wired today (as opposed to yesterday when she emerged from her room just as I was nodding off to la la land) cuz I don't have to work tonight (three day weekends are the next best thing to four day weekends, you know)� and so a seventeen song CD plays and we are chatting and so I shall return later to finish this entry�

and a bit later, while she goes to answer her phone, I return to ponder my navel and the story of a life as some of the music she chose inspired my sleeping inner child to peek out and smile (which is always a beautifully bittersweet experience for me) and as if this next segue was bound to happen, the music fit well into the mood of the other entries and the smile, just as these words written by atypical_grrl did inspire me to peek out thusly:

I must thank the Waterboys for that last line, but the wave and hello is all mine and now yours� hope it adds a smile to your day (cuz you've added one to mine)�

yes, my fantasies and realities are snudging their respective lines for a bit in this entry, but I liked that comment so I shared it here to show that theonion was inspiring me a bit and now, back to life, back to here... and now... the song list for the CD Precious made, in case you are like me and must know everything (and I so love you for that), shall be uploaded to CD Stacks just as soon as I can get Precious to read it off to me from her head (cuz it isn't written down and I don't recall every song in my head cuz, although almost all the songs were familiar to me, I did not know connect the artist right off)�

kaboom�

the ka ka hit the fan and the party is over� my Precious has been dumped again� well, sorta� let down easy, perhaps� he wants to stay good friends� close friends� Freud says he apparently can't deal with his emotions and needs intellectual barriers and now that he's said "let's just be close friends" he's all talkative and cheerful and asking her to come to a party tonight and the movies tomorrow and who said it's the girls who are hard to figure out?�

I'd so be a lesbian if I were a girl�

so ok, it was about eight hours ago that this entry was going full steam ahead after theonion and the blogspot entries and the previous few entries here were uploaded and there were good intentions to provide the rest of the previous few entries and the incomplete entries prior to those as well, but what with Precious having a red alert we talked for hours, performed a boyfriendectomy (hopefully the operation was a success) and then went to her favorite place for food and dessert, Chipolte and Jeremiah's and now all good roommates are tucked away in bed�

I suppose I'll get back to the seriously irreverent me in the next entry�

I'll just upload this one now before something else goes wrong and delays it another eight hours� besides, this body and perhaps even the mind desperately requires some sleep as it's been more than 30 hours since the last time I turned off the bouncing ball and I am beginning to see at least two of them�

so now you know where I've been (hey, that's what the blogspot is for� can you see it, blog wars inside my head between all of my blogs� will I be the only one cracking up?� probably, since nobody else is in there� even though it may appear to the contrary� I'll just shut up now)�

. o O ( NOTES ARE THE NEW HAPPY PILL ) O o .
(just let me know you were here)