LIFE

IN
BLACK
AND
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last---past---next---now
( FEATURED OTHERS 'n STUFF )

MEG AND DIA!

ORLANDO?

WHERE IT BEGAN


ARE THEY SERIOUS?
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ONE. . . WHY
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o O ( ALTERNATIVE MEDICINE ) O o

CONVERSATION WITH GOD

MEANING OF LIFE
FORWARD THIS ENTRY
INTELLIGENT DESIGN

(SEE WHAT THE POPE SAYS)

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ABOUT ZOOPLA

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HELP THE RED CROSS
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NEW ORLEANS JOURNAL

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THE FAILURE


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(202) 224-3121

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FAT MAN WALKING
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FACE FUN!



last---past---next---now



SITES I SEE A LOT
IxQuick Search
Google Search
itools references
movie database

Giga-Quotes

Harry Chapin Lyrics
SSA




OLD AND NEW READS
(WISH I HAD MORE TIME
TO READ and EXPLORE)

mother jones
utne reader
common dreams
the progressive
mediate
the other side
orion
harper's
rolling stone
reel classics


fallout shelter
the memory hole
song meanings
truth out
wil wheaton
bugmenot
global news matrix
break for news
are you generic?
neil gaiman
h2g2
daily kos
the truth laid bear
reason
capitol hill blue
boing boing
nobody here




SITES I AM CONSIDERING
SEEING MORE OFTEN

3Hive
metafilter
comics
digg





REFERENCE LIBRARIES

questia
wikipedia
gutenberg
internet public library

itools references
movie database
Giga-Quotes
rare-lyrics
all musicals




AMUSEMENTS

Diaryland Times
home star runner
hell
hell too
sinfest
ill will press
the guide
purple
despair
maximum awesome
86 the onions
straight dope
something awful
glossy news
eric conveys emotion
odd todd
cracked



CULTURE

the superficial
darwin awards
this is true
urban legends
news of the weird
church of the fsm
the onion
god checker
faqs
fark
iGod
post secret
webby awards
meetup
the white house
ragged trousered philosopher
the smoking gun
the defective yeti
landover baptist
evil bible


COMMERCIAL CRAP (AND PRON)

(Note: pron is porn worth a look for amusement much more than passion, so if you see a (p) next to a link, be aware naked people may appear if you click it, m'ok?)

beautiful agony (p)
(a turn on or a laugh?)
real doll (p)
(the ultimate self-indulgence)

(or it could just be a typo)




PROMPTS
(IF YOU KNOW ONE LET ME KNOW)


Unconscious Mutterings
Friday Feast
Wednesday Whatevers
Sunday Brunch
Monday Madness
Thursday Threesom
Saturday Questions




(make it real)

PO BOX 780398
Orlando, FL 32878

send me some music
your favorite music
old or new
blissful or blue
let your message come through
and I will love you forever



last---past---next---now
�2006 Candor Communications


2004-06-20 - 10:42 p.m.

welcome to diaryland


I'm not in love so don't forget it

go ask Alice?... ah, the references tickle my memories and in my amusements, I can not remain down for long... even though time runs out on us this weekend and I still allowed distractions to drawn me out of my self-indulgent introspection (but how else can we find all the secrets inside if we don't spend the time digging and sharing?), I feel good... after all, I intend good, I do some good, I send good thoughts to you, so why shouldn't I feel good (sometimes the simplest logic is the best)... all my tired horses in the sun, still running wild and free, or so it seems... all my rambling rhymes and reasons spilled into words, still there are secrets in me... and you too, I suppose, for as uniquely individual as we each are, we are alive and that, life, living, instills some similarities and no amount of denial can change that... and there's hope, hope that we'll find time and ways to share it all eventually...

meanwhile, another banner leads me to another NYC reference and I think that's the third in a row in the last three banner clicks in the last three days... being that DLand seems overwhelmed by traffic lately and being that there are so many people in the NYC area and being that school is out, I suppose logic might lead us to guess that a lot of NYC college (and high school and middle school) students have signed up at DLand in the last few weeks... so hello NYC students on summer break, if you get down to Orlando during your wayward youth, feel free to talk me into coming out and doing something fun...

welcome to Diaryland...

speaking of sex (this segue is brought to you be the plethora of sex-diaries I just browsed through {I didn't pause to link them all, but many are linked through the links you just passed in this parentheses}, all of which I stumbled upon quite by accident tonight, really I did)... I apologize to all my would-be readers who stop in for a moment looking for some sort of literary quickie and are turned off by the rambling narcissism that seems to expose everything but my genitals... it is not that I am disinterested or frigid or anything of the sort... I am quite horny in my own ways... it is just that I do not have any sort of star-studded sex life to ramble on about and I've not been finding time to indulge in what might be considered any adult literary games of late... I suppose I could write at length (and girth) about my masturbatory activities (and fantasies, since I do satisfy the basic hungers of this body every day in more ways than chocolate), but that's been done (and you can find my libido turn-ons if you look for them) and I wouldn't want to shock the sensibilities of those of you still afraid of sexuality until you catch up with the evolution of human enlightenment (is that coy, sarcastic, or just plain rude?)... I am not looking for cybersex or to be any sort of sex symbol, god, or Playboy/Playgirl playmate... that takes too much work, keeping track of the lies and make up, ya know?...

all kidding aside, I enjoy the erotic diaries I browse through and some of you know I can be quite sexual (or perverse, if that words suits you better) myself, but this life in black and white is more about the blah blah blah and less about the tittilations... cuz I'd like those of you who really want to get to know me to be able to really get to know me and there are enough distractions here already without turning our focus on thrusting throbbing members or hungry lips dripping with pleasure juice... suddenly I miss kissing aomething awful, which is another reason I don't bring it up here, cuz sharing masturbation from afar is way too lonely an experience and I have other places to write when I want to depress myself...

I would tell you to stop laughing at me, but then I'd have to tell myself too... being human is an interesting experience sometimes, especially with my sense of humor... anyway, here is something I read tonight that struck and familiar chord:

"My goal is not to meet a husband, a soulmate, or really even a boyfriend. I'm just trying to push forward my waning social life, and maybe get a few dates in the process. I forget what it's like to 'date' and to be seen in public with someone who's actually interested in you when other people are around!"    ~ sleepyzoe


yes, I might have written that myself... I have been alone more in the last few years (which would include all of my time here at DLand) than I have in any single year prior to the last few...

I never really dated much... I started going out with someone as I entered high school and that lasted a year... it ended when I fell in love with the person I thought was the permanent soulmate forever true love person (and she still holds more of my heart than anyone else, even after what seems like a million years)... that ended brutally when our parents decided we were too young and we were not ready to run away on our own... I ran away on my own to the army as soon as I could because being in the same city as her without being with her was torture and war seemed like an easier death... I rambled through time, space, and relationships for a while and after a few rather wasted years, I returned to the scene of the crime and found everything changed except my heart and I mourned some more... finally I met someone at work, a best friend who fell in love with me but unfortunately, I never fell in love with her... we lived together for eight years and that ended because I never really wanted to stay in the city forever and it was time to leave for a place of less concrete and more green... she wanted to stay... after some vacation time, I found another soulmate, or so I thought and moved heaven and Earth (giving up all that I worked for in this lifetime) to be with her... after a few years, that ended badly because she was an abused child who turned into an abusive adult and I tired of being her punching bag... I was not wise and did not cut ties cleanly, so I was dragged through the streets (literally and figuratively) for a few more years until I decided I would follow Mulder's lead (unfortunately without a Scully) and trust no one... and that is the brief summary of my love life (I left out all the great sex because there was none... ok, I lie, there was some, just not enough to override the other missing pieces of the perfect relationship, or even a satisfying one)... if that first soulmate from high school showed up in life today I'd kiss her until she asked me to stop... if she was single and interested, I'd stop looking for someone else... that's not desperation or loneliness, that's just the way my heart is... the first cut was and is the deepest... still...

I wasn't planning on giving you a synopsis of the most enduring songs played my heart strings tonight (and that is far from even a brief libretto), but it may give you some idea of who I am romantically and in terms of relationships, in case you wondered... it comes to mind cuz it's somehow all tied into the diaries I've been reading tonight (which seem strangely connected to the entries I've been writing for a week or few... I will let you decide for yourself which was the chicken and which the egg and which might have come first, I'll just continue rambling)... the point was, I think, that this lonely time is not totally new to me, but it's not my usual home in this life... and if I am resisting forming more intimate relationships with people in the offline world (or online or anywhere, for that matter), and it appears this may be the case (so much denial there in that may be, huh?) , this is very new and strange for me... my heart is sorta like the Borg, resistence is futile... at least for me...

but I find ways to keep my tongue in my cheek and reduce the seriousness of my loneliness into brief soundbits that attempt humor and usually end with honesty, like this one that responded to this entry that references personal ads:

ah, personal ads, I have many... every year or two I get myself to believe there might be some gold in those streams and I post another one somewhere and then I forget about them for another year or two... developing more of a social life seems to be a similarity so many of us online share, wondering where to go and how... and I think of a Waterboys song... if you ever visit Orlando, wave.. somebody might wave back...


the formula is simple... truth, joke, reflection, and vulnerability disguised as a musical reference... if I thought about it, it wouldn't come out like that, but that is often how I respond to words that move me to feel the hunger to share and the loneliness again...

time runs out on this entry tonight, and I don't know if I'll find the mood to continue it tomorrow, so i attempt to upload it and leave it with you as it is, for whatever it may convey or be worth... as I close, I am drawn to think of the loneliness that wraps itself around me sometimes and tries to suffocate me, or at least that is how it feels... in spite of my dreaming of love and the child inside who knows no doubt about the hope that keeps me flying high above the clouds, there are times when I viscerally explore the physical isolation of this life and feel very mostly dead... but the formula, sometimes called 3-2-1 for three steps forward (for progress), two steps back (for review), and one to the side (for reflection from a different perspective), seems to permeate most everything I do and always leads me back to some sort of positivity... maybe I learned it from Harry Chapin as his songs are great examples of what I am trying to say here, turning potential depression into positivity, giving the worst experiences a potentially happy ending by injecting hope in a coda (often in a second version of the song)... see Flowers Are Red for a prime example... anyway, all that to say that the following is the coda for this (if you read the lyric first, you might get the effect better):

and we live
and we love
and we do the best we can
to find what we've been dreaming of
and we fight
and we die
and we do not understand
why
sometimes we don't even try
sometimes we just cry
sometimes we wonder
what if...
could we try?


and that is more insight into the workings of the mind (and heart) behind all these words... I might return to this entry tomorrow if time and the muses permit or this might be as done as it gets for the moment... in any case, this is as much an introduction to me as it is to diaryland (hence the title) and is an example of what i think Dland is about... sharing ourselves...

if we are wise and lucky and brave we do it with depth, honesty, sensitivity, a touch of humor, and a hopefuly grin...

and hopefully I'm doing my part...






. o O ( NOTES ARE THE NEW HAPPY PILL ) O o .
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