if I don't get back to babbling and updating here the rest of my online life slips off my plate cuz there's just no time (and other psychological disturbances) and then you wonderful people who miss me are neglected and that sucks and I feel like a selfish pig and nothing good can come from such spirals...

so here's another entry, for better or worse, slapped together impulsively because I found something to share (and I think I am actually organizing my head and the written gardens {which is an extension of my head} a bit, which is a good thing)...

today I found a few hundred megabytes of words I wrote between late 1993 (when I got a new computer, the one stolen in 2001 by the friend who tricked me into trusting her to keep my stuff at her place) and early 2005 (when I moved up to Toronto for a while and put the computer in storage and relied on a borrowed laptop)... so much angst and tragic comedy in those years as I danced most nights past dawn in the downtown clubs and was enjoying an early retirement and life was a party all the time...

I have a lot of stuff I can "cheat" with now as far as entries go (shhhhh, if nobody knows then everybody will just think I'm still babbling as I always do and haven't slide into a slump where I've only found a few words to post here this month so far (and nothing yet for Smash who deserves much better than the blah I've got going in my fingers these days)...

so this entry is coming from old stuff and I'm uploading it as much because I don't have any more room on the computer to open another file or folder to hold it in as much as I am still introducing my crazy self to you and the world here in this journey behind the candoor...

I'm not actually sure if this next bit of what I found belongs here or belongs somewhere else (like candora or a personals or something), but I put it here so I don't forget how much of an impossible dreamer I have been in this life...

(links to follow, someday soon I hope)

some years later I wrote my wantlist that seems to be more realistic, but I figure I ought to look into this list I wrote in 1993 for clues about myself (to see how much I've changed and hopefully grown)...

I dedicate this to Dawn, who in 1993 inspired me to think about what I really want in a relationship (and why I probably won't get it and must find lots of compromises) and to Gigi (Toronto) who in that same year inspired me to write this list that follows...

ok, so what did I want in 1993?...

* someone to love who can actualize sharing everything all the time without letting fear or doubt get in their way... a seeker of truth above all else... and a purist who can live dreams in reality...

* to share my written gardens (preferably with someone who has gardens of their own to share)...

* to know someone believes in me unconditionally because they trust their own intentions and ability to actualize honesty, love, a relentless quest for truth, an unmitigated mastery of fear, an insatiable thirst for all that is positive and wondrous, a hunger for love that can not be repressed, extinguished, or quelled, an innocence that allows the extremes to be a playground, an unwavering security and confidence inside that overcomes all fear and doubt, and desire and will to do it...

* someone who believes in my voice and loves to hear me sing because of what it does for them and for me and who will not hold back or ignore or hide or repress in any way how it feels...

* someone who is real and who doesn't let fear or anything stand in the way of showing it...

* someone who loves to play and knows how to do it and wants to do it with me...

* someone who can be true friend, honest lover, closest sister, real mother, compassionate devil's advocate, quixotic coach, understanding editor, passionate audience, creative inspiration source, and above all else, equal partner in a symbiotic and mutually dependent relationship in this life...

* someone who wants to share everything day and night and yet still knows and respects the value of "alone time and space" and who earns and gives it justly and magnanimously and right on time...

* someone who is not afraid to trust unconditionally and depend completely, but who knows and actualizes the difference between "want" and "need" clearly and fairly...

* someone who can give and take sharing to both extremes and nurture and be nurtured with faith that the balance sought will always be found because they is what we both want most from each other and for ourselves...

* someone who wants to explore and organize all the "stuff" I've accumulated and created over the years, whether or not they have "stuff" of their own... and someone who wants to create their own "stuff" for the meaning and fulfillment of themselves and for the sharing with me and the world...

* someone who has an insatiable hunger for knowledge and the desire to quest beyond all limits and the will to press on for the fun, for the invigoration, and for the sheer challenge of it...

* someone who dares to quest for perfection, knowing it may not be possible in this life in this world for us as we know this world and being here, but who does not accept giving up or compromise when there is any choice to the contrary (and who knows that there always is at least one)...

* a lot, eh?...

well, I can see some changes I will make when I find time to ponder and revise it, but essentially the core of what I want is still very much there...

someday I'll update the list to reflect the me I am today (change a few words, maybe add a few things, who knows) and either update this entry or put it in a new one...

for now, I'll try to find time later for more...

. o O ( NOTES ARE THE NEW HAPPY PILL ) O o .
(just let me know you were here)