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2004-10-16 - 6:02 p.m. and this is where I wandered today... I am often told that I write too much... some have told me that it is the volume of my babbling (and therein the exposure it allows) that keeps people away... ironic, if this is true, that my sharing so openly (and so much) in words is the reason I do not actually share much in the physical world... are people really intimidated by openness that much?... perhaps... but then, I would not be me if I shared less (or wrote less) and what would I be sharing if I modified who I am or how I shared in order to share?... how many entries have vitally important information that is missed because another entry becomes the current entry before the other entry can be read and you, like me, don't always have time to read all of one long entry each day, no less several long entries (and then how many diaries and websites call for your attention and can we be online every day that much?)... and so do we share fragments and therein distorted images of each other?... and therefore do we create images in our minds that fit what we want each other to be like and would rather stay with that than really get to know who we really are?... moot questions, or rhetorical, for me at least... for I am a chameleon and can adapt to anything (or anyone)... and I have in my relationships... there is a stable core within me that allows my interests and focus to be flexible... I can enjoy almost anything and for the right person, will give up anything (yes, anything and yes, I have) for it is the human sharing that matters more than anything else for me... maybe the thing that keeps me alone is my acceptance of change and the way I welcome it (instead of being so afraid of change that I avoid it at all costs)... I watch the political ads on TV for the two parties... one plays on people's fear of change, completely ignoring the current candidate's record in office but focusing on what might happen (and how horrible they say the change would be)... the other plays on the potential improvement a change would bring... and people who base their decisions on fear, especially on fear of change, will vote for the incumbent... it doesn't matter how good or bad things are, change is always worse... and those who are not so fear-based in their decision making process look forward with hope and vote for change regardless of whether the change is for the better... it doesn't matter how good or bad things might be, it can't get much worse... one view turns pessimism on the past and optimism on the future... the other view does the opposite... and the actual issues, well, who has time to think those through... so maybe I avoid politics and religion because it is so superficial, because people stay in the shallows and questions become meaningless without answers you can believe in deeply... do you reach deep within yourself for your own personal answers?... or are you afraid of what you might find?... most of the time I am writing just to pass the time, to imagine sharing... I want to share so much (as someone said in their profile about me, I want more) that I will imagine I am sharing by writing these words, I imagine you are reading and whether you respond or not, I am somehow entering your mind and becoming part of you... if just for this moment... even just on the surface... and I keep hoping I reach deeper into you, with words through your eyes to your heart where you dare to open yourself to possibilities and find your own personal answers... maybe we agree and maybe we disagree, but hopefully we touch each other... if all we have are words, then may they be all they can be... I can only do my part... so I sit here in the big green chair on another Saturday afternoon, the TV blaring college football, the desktop computer copying library CDs, and the faithful laptop on my lap... I'd much rather be cuddling with someone who fits me like a glove in every way or even settling for an acceptible compromise (since perfection is rare in this world, but we can enjoy each other and still dream with and for each other)... and in the absence of the chemical and psychological and physical attractions, I'd much rather be hugging a true friend and sharing interactions than sitting here tapping these keys and imagine sharing in your minds... and because all I have these days are your minds, the treasure they are for me becomes all the more evident to me as I ramble on in quixotic desperation at times, so hungry that desire becomes need... I am cursed and blessed by my vulnerability... and these are the moment when I wonder if I will become old and gray and still be alone... and I wonder if it will continue to seem more challenging each year to find someone who fits me... and I wonder as I sit here... will I lose my flexibility, will I become so sedentary and locked into habits that I do not respect or even like myself anymore and therein not longer fit, in the actual physical world, the person who fits me in the inside... perhaps, as some suggest, I do have too much time to think sometimes... but as I view my life from the inside, usually I am distracted well from these potential unpleasant possibilities... I am insulated, by isolation and an overload of sensory stimulation, from feeling the loneliness and unfulfilled hunger to share... so I indulged in the absolute deliciousness of cream (leave it to Guelph, to know ice cream, huh?) today... and this is where I wandered today... and this is where I wandered today... and this is where I wandered today... and this is where I wandered today... and this is where I wandered today...
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