ah, the mid-week lull has settled into here behind the candoor as I chose to sleep for a change and did not get much writing done at work last night and so, the unfinished commenting entry continues to flow in my head and will continue to be updated as time permits... in fact, it's grown to probably warrant another entry as part two, so stay tuned for that (hopefully over the weekend)...

and then there are the others, the incomplete entries awaiting more time and attention... someday, somehow, somewhere...

I've received some interesting (at least to me) messages from the ther lately... I mean from out of the blue from people who dio not identify themselves, some of whom seem to know me or at least make references to thing that someone who may know me might know... so I've decided to send them messages in my own odd way, that is, I am sending messages to people I've known who might me sending messages to me in disguise or anonymously, just in case they are people I know... some I lost touch with, so it might be wishful thinking on my part... others, well, who knows... the unknown is fun, but knowing is often better...

so we now present messages to the ether (and those who live in-between):

Katrina, if that's you: I wish you would have told me you were such a freaky girl when you were living here cuz we could have had even more fun than we did... next time don't be so shy, ok?...

Paula, if you're out there: I miss you as much as I miss anyone I've ever known and loved and in case you ever doubted, you are still welcome to call my home yours anytime... if there's anything at all I can do for you, you've got it...

Cindee, if you're messaging: what's up with that?... I know you're as moody as the wind sometimes (ok, moodier) and you drop people like they are poison without telling them why and I know you think you have very good reasons, but you really ought to tell them why so they might understand you better because obviously they don't...

Michael, my music man: hope the music flows better than ever through your veins and your life... hope Barb is great... give me a call...

Stephie, girl wonder: you and your friends gave me many nights to remember and wherever you are today, I hope it's as good for you as you made it for me...

Gail, if you're lurking: what are you waiting for?...

Kids, if you found me: I hope your life is beautiful and your dreams are coming true... I meant every word I said to you, I am still here, the number is on the left column, call...

Barb, Ray, Bonnie, Turk, Steve, Kevin, Maddie, Rob, Mike, Mark, Lori, Lisa, Karen, Lois, Debbie, and all the other party people from Sing and the basement: let's get together and do it one more time...

Amy, Shari, Heidi, Charlene, Wendy, Dennis, Jeff, Steph, and the 105th street gang: how can I be sure in a world that's constantly changing?... I loved you all, I will love you all forever... I wish I made my choice sooner, but the choice remains the same... I hope to see you all again one day...

Wendy, Jeanie, Mitch, Marc, Howie, Michelle, Mandy, Marcie, Mindy, Sari, and all the kids from school: whatever's become of you?... I remember you warmly and would love to see you at some reunion one day...

Ri, Val, Bobbie, Nancy, Glen, Jim, Wayne, Lori, and all my military friends: the drugs are gone, but the memories live on...

and everyone I've corresponded with over the years who I will not name by names: if you're ouw there, let me know... I am not the correspondent I used to be, not by a long shot, but I am beginning to remember how to write again, how to trust again, how to share again... I'd love to catch up, read you, and become part of your lives again...

and last, but always first, Amy: yes, still yes, always yes...

and thinking back I must have left out some of you, some people I'd love to reconnect with... it's a tripping feeling to think that some of you out there might be people I've met in the flesh, even lived with, shared passion and/or lives in the past... even more weird to think you might hide out for some reason... maybe you're not sure I am the person you think I might be... maybe you're not sure you are welcome in my life today... maybe you are not sure you want to reconnect with me in any way...

but in case you wondered, I do want to reconnect with you... I wam still that child with the dream of never-endings, the hope that everyone I've ever loved remains true to the love they felt... I definitely do... I would love to know that you are ok, or even if things are not so ok, I want to know... even if I can offer no help, I care... you will, every one of you who shared a piece of me, always have a place in my heart...

it never ends, it just goes on... even if we deny it, hide it, ignore it... even if we hate it, it continues... love, once shared, lives as long as we do... longer, still, as long as someone remembers... as long as the energy flows...

and another strange night in the looney bin is almost over... little writing here tonight because I was talking to Berry most of the shift... the strangest aspect of this place is the administrative decisions... tonight they scheduled a nurse who is not allowed near the kids due to an injury she suffered on the job a while back... and Berry is not supposed to touch any of the kids because she is pregnant (did I mentioned Berry was pregnant?... yes, Bert and Berry have been busy)...

anyway, that leaves me as the only staff who can intervene in case of an emergency... and the policy is no physical intervention without two staff, so we roll the dice and hope none is needed tonight... can lawyers spell negligence?...

it gets worse, since the most problemmatic kid on the unit has a special test in the morning that requires her to only sleep 4 hours, which means she must be kept awake most of the night... this kid usually wake early on most mornings and is too hyper to remain quiet, therein waking other kids... so the administrative decision to staff as they did knowing this kid had to be kept awake even longer than she'd usually be awake is a set up for trouble...

I'd like to think they do this because of their confidence in me and if pushed, they might even say so, but my guess is they simply do not think it through as none of the administrators ever actually work the units or interact with the kids in the course of the daily (or nightly) routines... and the same goes for direct first level supervisors (ours tonight has been disappearing all night an sure enough, the moment we had to wake the problem child, she's gone... yoou'd think it would not be wise for the nurse supervisor to be gone without telling anyone where she's gone, but she obviously doesn't care and having no one around to supervise her, she can get awake with whatever she wants...

of course I'll bring it up at the next meeting, again, and eyes will roll and I'll be told that we are staffing the hospital within legal ratios and I'll point out that the paper ratios might be fine, but the hands on patient care ratios are not safe and they'll ignore me and silently hope the worst case scenerio never happens and I'll simply state that, watching them cringe ever so slightly as I put on record words that make them culpable if something did happen...

this way, if serious incident ever does occur and when they look for a scapegoat, they know they can't touch me because I'll pull minutes of meetings that prove they knew of the potential for the incident and ignored the concerns of first line staff...

so much politics and power tripping is involved in surviving in any organization, but the saddest crime is this is supposed to be an organization helping abused kids stay safe and heal... what the kids learn is that real life is almost as unfair as their abusive past and in some ways, moreso...

I leave some thoughts hanging like that because I do not have all the answers, especially not for you, for you must find your own answers... and no matter how strongly I feel, no matter how secure I am in my answers for myself, I could be wrong... but I find hope in even the darkest quandries and I find satisfaction in the fact that I find hope... so I don't know about you, even if there'll be suffering always, I hope there will not be... and that's why I sing...

so what else is new?...

. o O ( NOTES ARE THE NEW HAPPY PILL ) O o .
(just let me know you were here)