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2004-11-03 - 10:35 p.m. two hours...
trust only scares me when I feel like I've got something to lose... it was once my greatest fear and yet, now, by delusion or misfortune, I leave everything behind and therefore have nothing to lose... I wonder if anything should matter to me, if not today, then tomorrow... ... ... oh. and it was during that last line that Raspy invaded my darkness with a request about fantasy basketball... apparently his brother or his brother's wife must have deleted the invitation I sent weeks ago and that's why he didn't join and why we did not have enough people in the league to run the draft on this past Sunday and why I spent a couple of hours on fixing the draft status instead of drafting (or writing or something even more personally meaningful)... so I spent a while at the desktop computer in the fantasy leagues... and somehow, along the way, developed a mild, but rather distracting, frontal lobe headache that is probably a sugar-caffeiene-chocolate hangover as my beloved roommies seem intent on keeping this place full of chocolate (the Halloween candies, yes, all chocolates, are almost gone, but yesterday Precious brought home yet another box of school promotional chocolates {this is either the third or fourth big box of candy I am, as a dutifully housemate and sort-of-parent person, expected to buy in massive quantities... I bought half of the first box... and I shyed away from the second box as they were gummy bears and I can usually resist those cuz I think of my teeth and how long some of that sugar might stay stuck to them in spite of repeated brushings and flossings... and now we have another big box of all chocolates... what will power?} and then there's lots more chocolate sneaking into my line of sight in this place) and I have long ago decided that, rather than use my will power on home chocolate, I devised the mental construct that allows me to indulge my chocoholic nature as much as I wish on home chocolate and when I find myself almost satiated (or bloated after however long the chocolate binge lasts), I simply use my will power to stop bringing chocolate into the home space... this construct is no longer working... I must devise another... unfortunately, that invades the sanctity of my chocolate home theory (which states that if there is chocolate in the home, eat it or horrible things will befall the universe... of course it's an altruistic theory, chocolate is good)... I shall adapt, however reluctantly, to my roommies sheer lack of discipline (as I do to their lack of cleanliness)... and their frequent interruptions... often, it is better than living alone... sometimes, it is most definitely not... anyway, wherever I was way back when I woke, now two and a half hours ago, I misplaced it... my mind, that is... or at least that part of my mind that was enjoying the darkness and revelling in the inspiration I was finding here here here here here and here... so two hours ago (now that time period being two and a half), I was about to bestow upon myself (and you) the wisdom of the ages, the phrphesy of the millenium, or at least some cathartic experience I most urgently have been anticipating somewhere deep inside of me for some time now, on some levels, years... and perhaps, where it matters most, forever... and now, I am going to shower and drink water and perhaps eat in the hope that my head feels better and I won't be late for work... oh well...
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