I don't know why this entry is here (yeah right, and there�s a bridge for sale across some prime real estate in south-central Florida if you believe that, but we�ll probably never actually get to the point just to prove the first eight words), other than to express my frustration with the lack of time in the day for sharing more of the things I want to share... so much time is spend helping others, sharing with relative strangers, doing basic survival stuff, and sleeping... so much time for so many activities, fun and games and work, but so little time for intimacy, for love, for those magic moments shared with the one who knows you through and through, the one who completes you not by filling in missing pieces, but by inspiring you to be complete, whole, and all you can be...

I could be happily homeless in love, I could... for with the one I love (who loves me the same), anywhere is home, we are each others comfort, and there's no need for all the stressed out games forged by human pride and insecurity... we could live on a beach catching fish and drinking coconuts... we could live in a forest eating berries and nuts... back to the cave, to the land, to the heart, to understand... life is not about the holy grail... life is not about the gold... life is not about the power trips... life is about someone to have and to hold... someone with whom to grow old...

yet are we so blinded by the daily scroll of shopping lists and to do lists and PDA lists and good lists and bad lists and lists of lists that tell us all the things we must do to be a success that we no longer see what matters?...

ah, philosophy is the stuff in the cereal box... religion is the spots on a frog... and I'm not aware of too many things either... but sometimes, when I least expect it and have a moment for a moody mood, I relate to this post a lot... did I mention this already?... did I ask if I mentioned this already?... would this be the third time?...

I am having a deja vu of a deja vu moment...

yeah, well, we know I can be quite redundant, but I try not to be too repetitive... unless, of course, I am doing it on purpose... so whether for the first, the second, or the third time, I think I sent these thoughts in a comment to someone, most likely in reference to the link just mentioned, some time during the fog of bad news that I received last week and am still digesting... I vaguely remember being here (like remembering being mugged and left unconscious, ya know?):

today for many reasons that lead me to be in a spacey philosophical mood today (it's the philosophical part that makes today different from other days)... I ask myself, on days like today, what the point of all the reaching out on the net in oh so many ways... I mean, nothing changes in the world I see around me and am I just filling the empty space with imaginary friends who write kind words to me (when we're really strangers in most ways)... so I pause in my manic surfing for credits to say hello and thank you for the thoughts to ponder...

and I remember and repeat it here to remind myself of what matters to me... and I remember and repeat it here again... I love you whether you are an old friend or a regular reader or a one-night stand as far as visiting this written world goes... I love to watch the numbers at the bottom of the page rise, to feel like maybe lots of people are reading me, maybe being touched by my words...

but... I know as much as I let my ego play, it is not about the numbers... it is not how many people that little counter at the bottom of the page counts... that's just ego food and while I enjoy my ego and it loves to be fed (it's quite insatiable, actually, but mostly house-broken, so to speak), that's not the point of my writing out here on the public web...

blog, journal, diary, whatever...

I write for myself first so it doesn't matter what it's called or who likes it cuz as much as my insatiable ego loves the superficial strokes that are random comments from relative strangers (but do leave them because who knows, it might be the start of a beautiful friendship - do you believe in fairy tales?... well, I'm sleepless in Orlando, how about you?... see, even if I did repeat myself initially with these thoughts, somewhere tucked in a parentheses somewhere could very well be a bit of magic... a proposal... a winning lottery ticket... who knows, you'll just have to keep looking... cuz I do go back and add stuff to entries years later sometimes... it's my own peculiar madness and if I'm the only one who ever gets it all, well, I'll be loving it all by myself then... maybe I'll get on with the entry now)...

somewhere in me is a down to Earth person who laughs at me for placing so much value on what the world thinks and all I need to do is remember that to keep me going merrily on my way randomly musing about this that and the other thing while rambling in free associative babble (complete with tangential parentheses full of odd and apparently meaningless, though embedded with depth sometimes, asides) as I subtly slip my heart between the lines just to see if anybody might notice and if just one person does, well, it was all worth it...

it's not about the numbers, I'm not naturally that competitive... for me, it's about self-expression and the conversations... the sharing that the comments and notes can lead to... and deep down, though part of me avoids, about the emails (though I do make many of my emails public because when I feel inspired I want everybody who cares to know) and phone calls...

geesh, I feel like I just posted some of these thoughts (go ahead, tell me I did and I'm recycling... well, recycling is a good concept, after all... but probably about like watching Bonds on Bonds or maybe one of the fat women on steroid-loaded-makeup reality shows... hopefully you'll dummy down with me now and then so I don't lose you... or maybe we'll find a way to go laughing all the way to the bank too)...

yeah, so, perhaps I have shared this before, but I find it in my scribble files (again?) and I think maybe that it was to be one of the entries that are missing from the past couple of weeks... in any case, it's becoming part of this entry now...

the moody bit from above, remember?...

so I was pondering life and stuff, the isolation, the alienization, the relativity, and especially my own personal experience which I'll wager was not much like yours at all... maybe I am lucky I never had real family other than distant adopted family cuz I never experienced this sort of loss (this guy and his wife really have some interesting stuff if you dig into their web world)... on the other hand, having loved and lost (and lost hard) and being a firm believer that it is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all, I can understand those who might feel sorry for me and say I missed the most profound experience of being human in this life...

I only know what I know and it is as it is...

and you had to be there...

profundity is in the mind of the beholder, after all... and nobody's ever been able to hold my mind for more than a few moments, which is definitely my saving grace as a few will always have a powerful hold on my heart and if not for my uber-stubborn (read: pig-headed) mind, I'd have long since given up and took a dive off the highest peak I could find)... but I remain a live-er not a die-er cuz I am a giver not a liar and I shiver to inspire to deliver up a higher palaver to spiral our arrival...

yeah, man...

maybe we can share a sweat tent someday, or better yet, a cave with natural minerals sweating our the cultural crap we are forced fed from before birth (and the ancients knew the power and the value of the opium and peyote while we modern civilized idjits gather round the holy beer kegs and other fermented fruits and grains convinced we see manna in the bottles or some such social grace that completely lost the potential of the individual spiritual journey that altering our consciousness with poisons, be they herbal or man-made, could and I believe should be...

ah, I pontificate...

like answering all the questions on that millionaire show from home...

I wish there was an easy simple resolution to accepting death but I don't know one that works for anyone except me (and that may be because I never believed anything in this physical life was permanent because of my personal experiences right from the start)...

still, I lament, mourn deeply (for years, forever in a few cases) my losses... while they are, as most things in my experience in this life, rather different than the norm, they were nonetheless profound for me because I invested everything I was, owned, and believed in and most important of all, unconditional trust (and there is no greater value in this life for feeling beings), not to mention the intangibles, my magic, my power, my faith, my hope, my everything... and all was taken and tossed in the trash (quite literally as I was left for dead with nothing but the T-shirt and empty-pocket jeans I was dumped in... just regaining some legal identity was a nightmare, no less recovery from being buried alive by a torturous mix of cruelty and apathy), but I am still breathing (though she took my breath away as well, ha ha ha, burp) and hoping (where more comes from I don't know, but I get on and ride... there's always hope I hope and it shows, even when inside I died) that even if I am blinded by pain and do not see it actually happening, all I was and believed was (and is being) rebuilt (somehow) and I can still trust unconditionally as I've always done (it's not exactly something I can test on my own)...

it doesn't really matter how much was lost when it is truly everything...

so anyway, I read back as far as I could (remember those sites I just mentioned a minute ago?) before the computer started choking on the graphics and audio and I loved what I saw of the mind behind the site... I saved images and sounds and realized I had been in his world before (another deja vu moment within other deja vu moments), via other sites, including his wife and adorable family... and he also does one of the other sites I visit when I am brave enough to dare the graphics over the years called theyknew (political, but interesting when I am in the mood to read about what's going on in government, albeit reviewed from one side of the isle)...

speaking of politics, did you know that Diaryland is hosting Saddam's diary?... I suppose that's worse than hosting MC Hammer's diary like blogspot does, but then, at least MC updates...

anyway, this entry has a lot more to it... more tears to shed, more sweat to drip on the steaming rocks, more herbal trips to take, but that's not part of the lifestyle behind the candoor at the moment so I shall close, for the moment, in the shallows...

at least nobody has to tread water...

we can add this one to that list of someday entries... that is, someday it will be added to, expounded upon, perhaps even completed... and maybe then it will finally be soup and all the secrets will be told without the laughing gas and dizzy dance... of course we should be laughing, what better way to pass the time until true love arrives? (or returns, since it's all the same love once you get to it's trueness)...

I hope you enjoy your moments today...

. o O ( NOTES ARE THE NEW HAPPY PILL ) O o .
(just let me know you were here)