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PO BOX 780398
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last---past---next---now
�2006 Candor Communications


2005-09-15 - 10:36 p.m.

time ran out tonight


I was all set to ramble on a bit here today, but distractions piled up to the point where I stopped realizing I was being distracted and now, it's too late to give myself (and you) some time...

that, and the Dland servers are so extremely slow more and more often these days...

anyway, this morning, after sorting through and putting together words I wrote at work the past two nights and uploading those entries, I nodded off in this chair... I woke shortly after nodding a few times (minutes, it's not as comfortable as my big green chair and no, I did not go looking for a new laptop yet), I crawled into bed... I then slept a few hours more than usual and left myself just three hours for doing all the basic daily stuff and time for writing...

then, as I sat down here to write, Precious comes in very sad... she broke her cell phone... she's lost... afraid... stressed... anxious... near panic...

she probably would be all of the above and more if her dad didn't give her his work cellphone to use... I know the feeling, I was very frustrated the day my cellphone died and was happy some miracle came along and brought it back to life... apparently the battery is weak and I must put it on life support more often or it will die for good... rather than buy a new battery, I am going to keep it on life support until November 13th when I am eligible to upgrade to a new phone (with discounts and rebates)...

no, I am not any happier with Cingular service, but I've discovered most of the companies suck just as bad... they may have broken up the Ma Bell monopoly (does that reference date me?... just ask if you do not know what I mean), but the attitude that Lily Tomlin's phone operator character captured so perfectly remains... they're the phone company and they don't care because they don't have to...

anyway, Precious plays with her phone too much, flipping it open and closed, carelessly dropping it, the usual... she lost the first charger she had and hopefully one of these days will learn to respect the stuff she has more (I try not to let her treatment of CDs, scattered out of cases everywhere, including the floor, get to me too much... she's helped me become more existential and less concerned about material stuff... not that I was very concerned about material stuff in the first place, but I do take care of things because I do feel strongly about unnecessary waste from an environmental perspective... think about how many broken or obso9lete cell phones and computers and {fill in the item} are already pileding up around everyone's house or dump piles in industrialized countries... imagine it a hundred years from now... can we re-pave roads in recycled plastic?... anyway, pollution has been an easy rant for me since grade school... I did a 42 page paper in the ninth grade, but I am seriously digressing once again and am late for work)...

so we checked online for phones and she was awakened to the hard cold reality of uncaring phone companies and how expensive cell phones can be when you're not signing up for a 2 year service plan...

she did not want to accept this and thought there was some magical way I could find a pohone for her online because she kept saying her best friend just bought a phone online in no time...

her best friend bought a Razor (latest Motorola phone) and spend about $300...

anyway, that took up the evening that was left and this is the entry you et for tonight... a semi-frustrated ramble about why I did not have time to read more websites and get inspired to write something creative or playful or insightful or an entry that could be described by some other nice word...

here, this was last night's work output:

9/15/05
busy...


just a few minutes to write here at work tonight with more work to do (and one less staff to do it) and more distraction than last night as the girls club is meeting a few feet away from where I am typing and their discussion calls out to me now and then, but I am a respectful fellow who is not going to but in to their girl talk... at least not tonight... their gossiping does lead me to wonder what they say about me when I am not around, but then, who knows what anybody really thinks about anybody else...

the thoughts in my brain are not coalescing much tonight...

so many things on my mind (let's list the current major mind-space occupiers)...

- the ridiculously incompetent management of this place
- the ridiculously entitled politicians in this country (congressman gets free trip to his house in NOLA on the Friday people who've gone without food or water for days are waiting at the Metrodome for evacuation, tying up troops for hours... as did the Presidential visit photo-op whistle stop... the corruption in state and local governments... and again, the incompetence)...
- how cancerous the news media is to the brain...
- the ridiculously long time I've been alone (without a romantic partner)

each of those major brain cell consumers could explode into extries if I had the time, but nope, no time for me... or you, dear readers... you deserve better than my whining frustrations... hopefully tomorrow (though I have a very busy weekend too)...

I could just leave up one of my good entries (I'm told this one was worth leaving up as a page all it's own, but that would not be life in black and white... I ramble... I ramble daily... I do not dress up the place, it's just words as they come out, me as I am as expressed in words as well as I am able to at the current moment...

love me or leave me, wait, there's a song (but don't leave me lonely) and there's kind of an oxymoronic line... makes sense to me though, so I must be oxymoronic... is that better or worse than just being moronic?...

laugh and the world laughs with you, cry and you cry alone...

who said that?...

anyway, I am what I am and the words flow out here and tonight there was not time to let my imagination play... I wonder if this is more or less attractive or appealing or worth reading... will you call or leave a message somewhere to let me know?...

maybe I should create a few new diaries as different people and let them interact with each other... would that stimulate more conversation outside of my brain as well?... but then, what do I do if my diary as a teenage girl (or boy) attracts teenage boys (or girls) who fall in love or lust or stalkers, even?... I don't want to lead anyone on or break any hearts...

or what if my diary as a jet-setting twenty or thirty-something who has hardly a care in the world attracts people like Paris Hilton or Princess Stephanie?...

or what if my 'diary of an old person' is taken serious, do I have to remain old?...

these are the questions that vex my creative spirit tonight...

ironically, I've written as each of the above and except for old and female, I was actually living the life as presented in the writings at the time...

these days, however, I am poor and lazy and scraping the bottom of my motivation and creativity and imagination and hope for a finger-hold to keep me from falling into an apathetic malais and acceptance that life ends in death no matter what we do, so why bother...

it's not all that depressing in my head, but these are the effects of long term loneliness on my psyche... and poverty doesn't help much, but then, money and stuff only provide more distractions, not cures for what ails me...

a friend is the cure...

and that is mutual and I believe everyone suffers from the same ailment, not matter how well a person brushes off loneliness, I believe we are genetically predisposed to be social beings and without an intimate partner to share unconditional trust and love, we wither away...

compare Mother Theresa to Bob Hope...

or don't but find somebody to love (yes Queen) and let somebody love you, yes, before it's too late...

you old Desperado, you...

and now, I am late for work... but Precious needed hand holding and if it's a choice between tapping keys and holding hands, I'll hold a hand first almost every time because that's what my hands were make for (tapping keys and holding hands, in the opposite order of priority)... and I suppose I needed a bit more sleep (oh really?... just because I almost never sleep?... wow, I may be human after all... or at least, I am in a human body)... and I needed to ramble on...

no wonder I'm not rich anymore (ah, there's the goofy grin, the acceptance of the constant adventure that is life... I need to channel Douglas Adams spirit more often... not that I'll channel well enough to write anything like him, but then, that's not what I want... I want to write like me... I just love the perspective he gave the world in his words and life... imperfect and making the best of it with a heaping helping of absurdity and irreverent humor that, if you look closely enough, reflects the absurdity and irreverent madness that we call civilization, humanity, and the news)...

yeah, or something like it...

the fact is I do not want every entry to be one that you go around telling people to bookmark (ego is having a panic attack)... I ramble on like this too weed out the superficial fans (I love you all, you know, just like Gilda Radner in that mock-film noir pieces, remember?... oh come on, you must remember this... do your research, watch the first season of SNL {when you have time to focus, mind-altering substances optional, but I experiences it first rather stoned and man was it profoundly funny stuff, though not the Gilda piece, that was heart-wrenching} and maybe the second and third as well) from the potentially true friends... I don't want you coming here because it's the popular thing to do or because I consistently amuse or distract you from something, I want you to come here because you appreciate the honesty, even when the honesty seems to be unattractive or pushing you away...

if you don't get that, then please skip this entry and mark it as an abherition (spellchecker where are you... did anyone else hear car 54 where are you? just now?) and go back to the stuff you came for... be impressed by my social conscience or argue with my political or religious beliefs or do whatever it is that keeps you coming back for more... I want you here for any reason you come... your visits (and feedback) are manna in the wilderness...

but cutting to the bottom line, don't come around knocking on my door in the physical world unless you are here for the honesty... cuz that's where I live...

and on that note, this possibly meaningless and possibly profoundly insightful entry is going to come to a close without actually being sure if there was any point...

cuz ya see, time ran out tonight...






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