sometimes I have old thoughts, but mostly I remember what i tried to say in this note:

your old thoughts are very sensible cautions and I did try to learn them, but there is a stubborn block in my brain that stops me from learning to hold back and I think I like it that way... except when it hurts... but since I hurt most of the time anyway and I believe I can not be hurt worse than I've been hurt already in this life, I just continue spilling my guts as I've always done and let my guts fall where it may... or something like that J

in a related thought, from another note that was in response to another person some time back, the following linkages were created for further perusal into my history, psyche, musical tastes, opinions, and madness:

there are so many colors in a rainbow... and I listen to Harry Chapin and cry and feel and churn and scream and remember and think and hope and laugh and dance and dream and smile again...

and sometimes I understand... and sometimes I am understood... and the shared understanding, emotion, laughter and/or tears and all that can be described as between is the reason for living I choose, the purpose for my continued breathing and pumping of blood and writing and reaching out... and there in the wanting, the hunger, the longing, deep in the hope find my most content smile, for it is there whether you see it or not...

and time silently roars by again (it keeps doing that)... I slept some more the day this was written, perhaps ten days ago (lost amongs the bits and bytes until now) to give this body more time and rest so it can kick the butt of the bug-in-my-nose... everyone around me has some sort of bug bugging them (besides me, I mean) and it appears we all started last week or before (in fact, now that I bring it up to people, many tell me they've been fighting some sort of cold or flu for weeks, which is suggesting to me that people don't talk about their cold symptoms much unless someone else brings it up... I wonder if that's denial or some sort of embarrassment... either way, it's sure good for the bugs cuz they get to pass to unsuspecting people (like me) who would otherwise have taken more precautions with the already sick people if they weren't not mentioning they were already sick...

Raspy told me about his sore throat tonight... he says he's had a cold for two weeks... that's a week longer than mine, since my first symptoms showed up last week right about this time... and mine faded into the background in a couple of days... all I did was double the usual intake of vitamins for a few days (I went back to normal vitamin intake a couple of days ago) and add an echinacea (without golden seal, though I have some) and cranberry capsule each day...

and here we are ten days later (in the now of the date above, almost) and Raspy appears to be dying... not in the sense of actually needing to prepare for burial or cremation or being dropped into the ocean, but in the sense of spending most of his time either in bed or in the bathroom and giving off about enough energy to move a grain of sand half the length of that said grain of sand before panting and perspiring and needing to lay down... being sick sucks, but in a rather warped way it's a little amusing from a spectator's point of view...

as for me, I've slept a few hours each day this week for one reason or another and feel flushed with exhaustion, but otherwise seem to have kicked the bug's butt just before the last Xmas (as opposed to the next Xmas, which is almost tomorrow if you know what I mean)... perhaps it was a much weaker bug... perhaps it's the alien cells I've always suspected I've had in me... cocky superiority rules...

most of the people at work are sick too... and a lot of them already had the flu vaccine... I've never had the flu vaccine... something inside of me says I am better off without it... so far I have not died of the flu, so I am right...

arrogance, be my shield...

of course I am serious in my self-mockery, but not lying because I do not lie... I am not magical or superman or anything more special than the special each of us are... I just keep in touch with this body most of the time and therein maintain some illusion of control over it... always have... I could make myself appear sick right on cue to get out of school as a young child... I can raise and lower my blood pressure when I concentrate, though I don't concentrate as much as I used to lately... I've seen others do much more interesting and challenging things with their bodies... we've all got a whole lot to learn...

of course I hope to learn it all first...

all irreverence (and kidding) aside, I believe it is the young thoughts that dominate my psyche that keep me on the healthier side of life most of the time... it surely isn't the vigorous workouts at the gym or the ultra-healthy diet (since that was blown away with the four hurricanes that blew through here last year)... there's something about keeping in touch with the happy child inside that makes everything alright... I hope you know that too...

so this entry was partly written last year and concludes this year and on both occasions I can wish those who celebrate Xmas a merry happy (within two days of the actual legal holiday)... and in some parts of the universe they probably have similar holidays at other times of their year... maybe even twice...

I hope you are well and do not get bugged by colds or flu symptoms this year... and if you do feel sick, I hope it's not because you read too much, especially not here... and if you find no laughter, then may you find some tears... for emotion is healing... repression kills...

be good to yourself today...

whatever day it is...

. o O ( NOTES ARE THE NEW HAPPY PILL ) O o .
(just let me know you were here)