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last---past---next---now
�2006 Candor Communications


2005-08-21 - 9:18 a.m.

tell me all your thoughts on...



money?

this was part of an entry I wrote at work Saturday night because I picked up the extra shift and was still very much in a writing mode... it's not finished, but then, few things are...

for some time now I've bounced back and forth between the idea of taking a career seriously and getting rich again, lamenting the limits that poverty places on life, going completely existential and wandering off to some place where true existentialists can live, and giving up on life altogether...

the latter probably won't happen, I'm just too dang stubborn...

that leaves the other three...

the third idea is appealing to much of me, but the social gene is strong in this one, so I hang in hoping somebody will be as odd as I am and might ponder similar ponderings and have room in their life for a partner in this journey through time and space we call life... the second one, the pity-party crap, well, a baby's gotta be babied every once in a while, but it's sure not where I want to live... the first idea has much going for it, however it also has many drawbacks... and that's what I pondered as I pondered at work the other night...

so with that introduction, here's what I thought:

well whatdya know, here I am still awake (I oughta be, I'm at work... shhhh, don't tell them I'm goofing off) and tossed between giving into the peer pressure of taking a nap (a practice I do not want to get accustomed to because it is against hospital policy and when they crack down, people are fired and those who remain struggle to change the habit of taking a nightly nap...

so I am not actually goofing off... yet... I am taking a legal legitimate allowed break... I so rarely do that people looked at me strange when I said I was going to... in fact, sometimes I even get attitude as if, just because I rarely take a break, I am not entitled to one... especially when my wanting one cuts into someone else's sleep time...

yeah, ridiculous ethics in this working environment, but giving into the sleep break habit is not worth the struggle of trying to stay awake after a brief nap or the risk of having to go through the hassle of looking for another job, for as I mentioned recently, a comparable job for comparable pay has not come to my attention in the last few years around here - as ridiculous as it seems my meager wage is more than I've been able to find around here for comparable work...

so I contemplate my worklife and yes, meager wage...

would I change jobs (or locations) if larger earnings were available?...

jobs?

yes...

my attachment to the job is minimal... the job itself is cushy, easy, and stuff I enjoy doing... and I'd miss a few really great people, one I really count on (though I'd hopefully still get together with some of them as we do outside of work things fairly regularly), but mostly the overall job is less than satisfying, asks very little of me, and presents ridiculously stupid challenges in power tripping and incompetent middle management and no meaningful standards in hiring practices...

the joke is that they ask for experience in the field and being a patient in a psychiatric center is counted as experience...

really, we want to thin it is a joke...

but it probably isn't...

locations?

probably, though perhaps not immediately unless the increase in earnings was so substantial I could fly back to Orlando regularly while still increasing my savings for at least the next few years... even though I haven't been able to save a dime since Rasputin and Precious moved in cuz of lifestyle and extra expenses (and I'll keep reminding them cuz Raspy plays the lottery and I'm gonna work for him in a cushier job than I've got now if he wins... yeah, just like family, aye?)...

of course everything is negotiable sometimes...

what could I do?... anything, I have diverse skills, flexible abilities, and learn quickly... my skills range from upper level management to manual labor and I have the ability to enjoy both in the right setting... you want my resume, just ask if you haven't come across it already...

but I am not writing here to sell myself to a prospective employer, I write my rambles first and foremost to talk to myself, to figure out what I want and what is going on in my head, and to reflect on my thoughts... that is how I make major decisions when I have the luxury of time to ponder...

so I ponder some more...

thinking about wages and money in the real world (and realizing it is one more reason I remain alone, that is, without relationship and family, no doubt) I earn approximately $12.50 an hour - $13.78 an hour on Friday or Saturday nights, as it's a premium night, and $20.68 an hour tonight as it's a premium night plus overtime and even tonight it is substantially less than I made back in the eighties and at least for the moment, makes consideration of buying another home or even saving much for retirement ludicrous... I've got enough saved for a job transition and relocation, but not for a few years off or retirement so I'd like to keep being able to add to savings...

but money has never been the object of this life for me and the time of playing the financial games has long since lost my interest, especially since all it really did was stroke my ego and gather a lot of false friends around me, ultimately users who took everything and left me for dead... I realize now that my idealist had and has more power over my choices than I would have ever had the courage to give it had I not made decisions based on my gut instincts and subconscious desires... I choose not to become normal in the material world sense, that is, I choose not to support the system of exlusion ownership of property... when I signed papers to buy a house, I did so with my best friend at the time even though I could afford to pay cash by myself... sharing was and is more important... I opened that house to anyone who needed a place to stay and ultimately, when the choice was between people and property, I gave up the property to give all I had left to people...

so I'm alone...

ask yourself seriously, who wants to be (or share a life with) a truly existential dreamer who lives the song imagine in all it's permutations, sharing all the world, and giving it all away?... whether it is security or foolheartedness or madness, I've got it not just in ideals, but in actual behavior, and I've yet to meet anyone else who actualizes the ideals as far from the norms as I do...

imagine no possessions...

so ultimately, while I lament my loneliness, I rejoice in my behavior, my deeds, my ways, and who I am... and I would not trade who I am for any relationship, for what good is sharing with anyone if I am not truly sharing myself...

I suppose this thought process comes up because I am at work making some extra money and experiencing on of my rare moments of thinking about the world in dollar amounts, so I realize how much less I earn compared to how much I used to earn before my early retirement... and that leads me to kinda count how many more restrictions I must accept on this life due to my lower earnings...

and I ask myself what I miss and I do miss, on some level, the hangers-on, the leeches that feign friendship or even idolization in order to cling to a meal ticket or the chance that some expensive bauble might pass into their hands because they did fend off the surface loneliness and there's much surface loneliness in my life these days, but I do not miss that being the star feeling enough to return to that world...

at the bottom line I remember the inner loneliness and the reality of the feeling that there was no sure way to tell apart the potential true friends from the hangers-on, the fans and surface friends...

so money is ok to have, but my experience has shown me it is as much of a curse as a blessing... when you have it, you're isolated from most of the world who does not have it... to keep it (heck, maybe even to get it), unless you have the income of a Bill Gates, you must become selfish and ignore altruistic feelings and repress in daily actions any sense of real caring about the world... you have to be comfortable getting fat in a world where most people are hungry and underfed... you have to be comfortable living amidst vast unnecessary waste and putting the state of humanity out of your consciousness... you have to close your mind and heart, or you give it all away...

these are probably not all my thoughts on money...

in fact, it's probably just my two cents...






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