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MEG AND DIA!

ORLANDO?

WHERE IT BEGAN


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MEANING OF LIFE
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SITES I SEE A LOT
IxQuick Search
Google Search
itools references
movie database

Giga-Quotes

Harry Chapin Lyrics
SSA




OLD AND NEW READS
(WISH I HAD MORE TIME
TO READ and EXPLORE)

mother jones
utne reader
common dreams
the progressive
mediate
the other side
orion
harper's
rolling stone
reel classics


fallout shelter
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global news matrix
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h2g2
daily kos
the truth laid bear
reason
capitol hill blue
boing boing
nobody here




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SEEING MORE OFTEN

3Hive
metafilter
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REFERENCE LIBRARIES

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all musicals




AMUSEMENTS

Diaryland Times
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sinfest
ill will press
the guide
purple
despair
maximum awesome
86 the onions
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something awful
glossy news
eric conveys emotion
odd todd
cracked



CULTURE

the superficial
darwin awards
this is true
urban legends
news of the weird
church of the fsm
the onion
god checker
faqs
fark
iGod
post secret
webby awards
meetup
the white house
ragged trousered philosopher
the smoking gun
the defective yeti
landover baptist
evil bible


COMMERCIAL CRAP (AND PRON)

(Note: pron is porn worth a look for amusement much more than passion, so if you see a (p) next to a link, be aware naked people may appear if you click it, m'ok?)

beautiful agony (p)
(a turn on or a laugh?)
real doll (p)
(the ultimate self-indulgence)

(or it could just be a typo)




PROMPTS
(IF YOU KNOW ONE LET ME KNOW)


Unconscious Mutterings
Friday Feast
Wednesday Whatevers
Sunday Brunch
Monday Madness
Thursday Threesom
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(make it real)

PO BOX 780398
Orlando, FL 32878

send me some music
your favorite music
old or new
blissful or blue
let your message come through
and I will love you forever



last---past---next---now
�2006 Candor Communications


2006-01-06 - 12:24 p.m.

maybe I think too much


yes, I know, the previous entry gets a high score on the how rude meter (but was it a new record?... anybody have a fair and justly calibrated rudometer?... who giggled?)...

oh sensibilities, thy invisible web glitters with irresistible energies of diversity and corruption - be at peace with and acutely aware within the garden in which it blooms and keep your own party, for it will attract those worth keeping and snare those who are not, allowing you to choose)...

huh?...

call me crude and slap me on the fanny, but I found it amusing to find myself contemplating a certain hand sign and it's ramifications (potential bliss) while simultaneously pondering the repressive culture that created mental illness as a way to make repression the acceptable norm because it fears said bliss... but I won't get started on that rant again, nor will I wave my fingers about randily in this entry...

all heave a sigh of relief...

still, I really have had fun messing around in my own head...

any messing with your head that occurred was purely unintentional, but hopefully you enjoyed it too and hopefully you remember you did invite me into your cranial capacitators by coming by to read my rambles and you have every right to comment as you please and I'd really appreciate that cuz your feedback keeps me from messing around too much in my own head...

you are better than drugs (well, most of the time) and I understand everyone's reluctance to come out as perverse or mad or naked in public as I do, but do keep the feedback coming (publicly or privately, any way you want it) as I do try to be hear for you as much as I am able cuz that is the whole point of a public diary (a point my favorite wise and wonderful cutething made recently in her own inimitable firebrand way)...

and as hamiltonian rediscovers all the time, we can't please everyone, so just be real and share what you feel and try to remember we're mostly strangers so taking opinions personally only demonstrates an insecurity about the particular topic...

and if you really can not extend the benefit of doubt and must project some evil intent into a stranger's words on the internet, consider re-thinking why you read words on the internet and how you deal with yourself and your life, cuz, well, you don't need the grief you create for yourself...

and blessed be the keeper of the posse who brought sunshine and a sudden desire to figure out how to get back into the instant messaging world into my head again...

and cherish the passion of innocence, the beauty of friendship, the precious commitment to family, the brilliant expanding mind, the sleeping healing heart, the hope and strength to dream and love, the endearing slices of life...

bless you all for your reading, your comments, and your caring...

reiterating, I am quite sincere in my challenge to understand the depth and girth of the universe (which includes each and every one of you) so contemplate, collaborate, confront, and converse as much as you can for it is in conversation that we can find the beginning of understanding...

so explore each other and yes, z0tl too (to reiterate a serious point that may have been lost in the previous entry), if you have the time (and maybe some do, but don't expect to get much out of your visit unless you're ready to spend days wandering his unique and dynamic labyrinth of prose and poetry and ASCII art)... he is a genius, really, and quite mad, delightfully so, in spite of constant cultural pressures to conform... and when he overtakes Google and Yahoo and Amazon and WebMD all in one feel swooping portal paradise, I'll be one of the first registered members (and hopefully get a ride on his yacht, maybe even get to drive it for a little while)...

maybe I can drive his car...

I mean, just to make sure you know the previous entry contained seriousness (for all of you who merely skimmed it after seeing the first graphic) I remain quite excited about voopla (much more so than a barrel of munkees, because I'd work for the dude creating it (yes, that's faith) and voopla looks like it going to be so much more than a traffic network, even this comparison is not fair, so nevermind the comparison, but do stay tuned for what voopla becomes)...

serious, keep reading the voopla news...

it is most exciting to see the transformations happen right before my eyes in the past twenty four hours... some clever editing for the masses who will be flocking there... oh, here I am gushing again (I am such a tool, and loving every minute of it, Jerry)... the site will go live somewhere in 2006, maybe as early as March, maybe over the summer (the best laid plans do the best they can)... you, my dear wonderful loyal readers, are getting the first burst of excitement tossed right here on your ever loving behind the candoor doorstep and I'll cop the ever so secret theme song just for your eyes only just to prove that this is indeed our lucky day:

The La La Oopla Songoopla
by Mattheau
(This is what you sing when playing or indeed promoting the legendary game of Hoopla)

Hoopla doopla
Nilly nilly poopla
Stand in a groupla
Ring up the boopla
Do the coopla woopla
Oh aoopla yoopla shalla shalla foopla
Ging gong ming mong vada zoopla
Eoopla shalla walla koopla
Sing loopla while eating a joopla
Xoopla is what you wanty roopla
So toopla loopla moopla la voopla
Voopla in the noopla
While the soopla and the xoopla
Sit down to the qoopla
And all do the la la oopla!

it's fun, it's helpful, it's mad and wonderful enlightened play... we shall all rise to the occasion when we least expect it, even those unenlightened and unaware will dance if only subliminally until they are ready to understand the love, in the end, is equally saved, given, made, and taken (you've all heard the Beatles, prophets of the end of the previous millennia, after all)...

meanwhile, around mi casa, most of my day and evening yesterday was occupied listening to Precious catch me up on her life as she's becoming quite the playa and wonders just how that sits with me and her best friend needs to know and it gets amazingly dicey as the boy she's playing with just to keep her hormones happy is her best friend's ex who's the one-time class playa himself (the playa getting played) and the level of maturity involved is a few leaps ahead of where most supposed grown-ups ever reach and it gets quite complicated from there (make note to check out Fall Out Boys lyrics... also Panic at the Disco... ditto: All American Rejects... these are Precious's latest musical favorites... the latter caught her interest due to Dirty little Secret, the song using the brilliant post secret website in it's video... and, dear readers, if you are familiar with them, let me know what you know about these musical phenomena)...

tonight's chapter: how to tell the best friend...

you know my way (completely open honesty), but that takes courage for it risks loss (but I say if the truth is going to push someone away, better to find that out sooner rather than later)... so we talked and Precious will decide for herself when and how and what to share and she will deal with the outcome... personally, I think she'll go for the truth and best friend will handle it fine (I've got a lot of respect for both of them)...

Rasputin is mostly out with his new girlfriend (who is not so new anymore I guess) these days, leaving Precious to fend for herself a lot for meals and activities and keeping herself occupied and since I'm in hermit mode, I'm usually there to listen... at the moment I am the only adult (me, an adult?) around she with whom she feels comfortable discussing sex or drugs or whatever else is on her mind (mostly sex these days) and except for who's wallet she goes to first, I've kind become the primary parent figure in her life... seems to happen to be an awful lot just cuz that's where my personality and interests are most heavily seeded in this life... I like it, heck, I love it (it's what I do), though my writing time dwindles some weeks...

speaking of adopted families, I must remember three gifts (Precious and Minnie's birthdays and Berry's wedding), and I want to give that are quite late (because my bank card went wonky on me three days before Xmas so I had to use the credit cards for everything since then and the gifts I intend to give are cash and I am awaiting a new card) so hopefully writing this here will help me remember to get to the PO box and hopefully my new card (and other surprises) will be there and it will work and I will be about $600 poorer, but have satisfied my heart's desire to be tangibly helpful and generous with my family when I can be...

that's what life's about for me (giving it all away)...

and meanwhile, around the workplace, nothing much changes... the system is broken and corrupt, managed by apathy, expedience, and mental illness, and thanks to an amazing light of community or governmental oversight, continues to maintain the facade of respectability and professional care while neglect and abuse festers under it's skin like a cancer ignored until it's too late... but then, that is western civilization from the Romans through to today and perhaps, humanity itself...

oh gee, I thought we weren't going on that rant today?...

yes, but we brought up work, didn't we?

oh...

well, one night a week (that's the first night back after pass days, which is the weekend for those of us who work in 24/7 operations) is ridiculous as the two people I work with have no real interest in the kids or maintaining minimum safe staffing on the night shift and one has no interest in the rest of the work (paperwork) either... so I sit by myself and write most of the night...

the second night of my scheduled work week is just a little different as Elpien is the nurse, but her interest in getting out of her chair is nil and she avoids confronting the co-workers who avoid work (once again demonstrating most effectively that the medical model {placing administrative and management responsibility in nurses hands simply because they are nurses, regardless of their skills or abilities [or lack thereof] to manage people or systems} does not work), so most of the work falls on me again...

the third, fourth, and fifth nights of my scheduled work week has Berry back in and that's when I do less writing because we, as a two person team, get most of the work done (and except for the two nurses who do most of the night shift nursing {though we must remind them about much of their responsibilities more often than not} the other five members of the team basically fake it all week)...

we (Berry and I) are drawing a clearer and clearer line for Elpien (who is technically in charge and should not be allowing the others to get over, but then, she is the laziest of them all, so she must be given ultimatums to get her to do anything... walking that fine line between giving them direct ultimatums and maintaining a friendly facade of subordinance is an awkward and delicate tight rope to walk at work, but we do what must be done to make the system work as well as it can work) and more and more of the non-essential and peripheral paperwork is being left undone by Berry and me and Elpien can decide whether she'll ignore that until it effects other shifts or whether she'll step up and be a supervisor and assign work we're not doing to the others (and take some on herself)...

and in the end, it is a psychiatric hospital and we work the night shift because it's the most positive and professional shift in this hospital where negativity, back-biting, favoritism, and mental/emotional instability dominate the atmosphere...

and that's among the staff...

the kids suffer as much as they are helped and I debate with myself whether they are better off in this place or out on the street (they are definitely not better off, at this point in time, with the families they were taken from) and come to the same conclusion each time, that they are better off in a sheltered environment getting regular food and medical care (no matter how less than optimal this place may be) than being out on the street on their own...

the sad fact of life in psychiatric care these days is that this place is one of the best in the area (I don't want to believe it, but maybe in a very large area) and it gets kids from as far away as DC and Michigan because it accepts the kids nobody else wants, the kids that other social systems have given up on...

the ultimate source of the disturbing issues I briefly touch upon here lies not within the specific management of this particular facility, but in the health care delivery system itself and the general apathy of our culture about child-rearing and fair medical care...

but I will never cease to stand on the principle that each hand, each individual staff, each facility can and should do a better job in the choices it makes each day about how to interact with patients and how to deliver the care patients need... no matter how corrupt, ambivalent, or cruel a culture may become as a whole, the real healing and caring comes in the one-on-one interactions we choose to engage in at any given moment...

the big picture matters, the profits matter, the structures and systems matter, but what matters most is the kid I am dealing with at any given moment and that is the best I (and I think any of us) can do to improve one life and the whole of society...

I encourage you to think about that as you go through your day and the next person you interact with, don't think about it, just care and do what is best to help that person while helping yourself feel as productive and meaningful in that moment as you can be... remember, caring is a verb...

too much thinking mucks up the caring...






. o O ( NOTES ARE THE NEW HAPPY PILL ) O o .
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the moment

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