a lot of people in the U.S. are probably sitting down to a huge dinner right about now... I sit here glancing at a football game after spending most of the day napping, eating, playing with my other computers, and not thinking about much... I've discovered that my email is not coming through my domain, which is not a fun thing to find out, and hopefully that has not been going on too long (I think the last email I received through my domain was on the 20th, though I received mail through the server address as late as 1:20PM today... hopefully it is a temporary glitch and I have an email into support, but I don't expect much response today... frustrating... so to anyone sending me mail through candoor.net thank you and let me know through the DLand address on the left (after you remove the (removethis) including the parentheses, ya know) if it was returned or just delayed out there in cyberspace somewhere... much appreciated you are...

thankful... today I am supposed to think about what I am thankful for... as usual, I resist following the crowd... this holiday was always a clear representation of human hypocrisy to me (almost as much as Christmas for different reasons)... how did it really begin, after all?... some people came to this continent to relocate themselves because they and their culture were oppressed in their native land... end result, they oppressed and virtually erased most of the cultures and people they found here... now maybe the people at the first Thanksgiving table were truly thankful for genuine peace and friendship and maybe they were just pretending while hoping not to be killed by the other... or maybe each was just biding time and looking for an advantage... in any case, the end result of the first contact that lead to the Thanksgiving holiday was massacre, genocide, extermination... celebrate?...

I am thankful that I have not forgotten who was at the first Thanksgiving table and respect those missing from it today by not celebrating as most people do...

some years, on this day, I have fasted... many people in this world fast for a day or more without much choice... many people in this good old U.S. of A. eat so much on this holiday they get sick... I am thankful that I notice the disparity between the haves and have nots in this world... how many people could survive for how many more days on the scraps thrown out after Thankgiving at your house?...

but please do not go on the defensive just because I ask these questions and do not participate in the tradition... I did not fast today... I am not holier-than-anybody... I do not preach nor do I live up to my ideals and beliefs all the time... I know what it is like to be socially aware and responsible, to be fit and healthy and honestly self-loving and altruistic and what some might call saint-like... I've been there... some might call me a fallen angel...

I used to listen to people who've lived with me, who've known me intimately when they would tell me that I am not meant for this world, that the Don McLean song Vincent could be about me... I have not taken my life yet and have not interest or intention in doing so, though I have spiritually-emotionally let myself come closer to death than I ever imagined I might... as I once did before (though in very different ways, or perhaps merely different means), in some sort of memorial, tribute, or whatever to lost dreams, broken promises, and betrayed beliefs (yeah, you know, how can you mend a broken heart and all)... I do it every time, but only twice has it gotten so deep and lasted so long... for the question of how to believe in forever love if love can end remains one of the immutable incongruities in human life as I see it... something that can end, by definition, is not forever... I want to believe in and so I do believe in love that is forever... my love is forever, it does not end...

so when it appears to end or for all intensive purposes dies in someone who professed to love forever I can only accept that they did not really know what they were talking about, that they were not really in touch with themselves, or that they were using me and lying all along... since it is my choice, I choose the most positive possibilities as I do not need to or wish to be the source of negativity, especially not in me... I do not need or want to baggage...

I do not let the love end in me though and I take whatever time that passes as time to mourn, to heal, to reassess my judgment, to forgive my mistakes, to try to understand...

I am thankful for the memories, for the possibilities, for the potential that still may be, for heartbeats... I want to believe it is not over and there is no reason it should be over, the dream, the life, but I am dragging along in an apathetic ambivalence (is that a redundancy?) as I have virtually retired from any sort of intimate life sharing in the physical world... a long time ago I felt like the only living boy in new york and though I took some comfort and understood the lie-la-lie (don't we all), carnal comforts without emotional bliss never satisfied me... so I return again and again to a NY state of mind and stare wherever my eyes may roam (and hasn't that been misunderstood at times, but that's another story) wandering from wondering about love and why humanity gives up on so much so easily or whatever and about nothing at all... making love out of nothing at all...

and a song comes to mind that asks in soft melodic tones what was the point of living all these years... the link and title and artist elude me for the moment, but the song haunts sweetly... not just wondering if it's wasted time, but wondering if it ever really happened, if it wasn't all just an illusion and meant nothing now that it is not shared... but I am not in the mood to mope about the past today, just being thankful (so am I following the crowd anyway?) in my own way...

it is music that I am most thankful for sometimes... many times... the music I've known, made, loved, shared... that is never gone, no matter how silent life gets, no matter how far away it seems, no matter how long it has been since I have heard... today almost all the music I hear is in my mind... it still connects me internally, etherally, however all of the external connections music gave me and most of physical connections within this body have been either disconnected or numbed... I am very thankful for those of you who have sent me music and more along the way... signs of life, signs of love, signs of the hope that faith is not misplaces in the human heart, in spite of the mistakes that have buried so many along the way...

and for all the links broken, for all the threads lost, what can we say, what can we do... believe there was once something real and beautiful and hope that someday we can see a genuine smile in each others eyes once again... and when I feel most alive I know that I am most thankful that for all that has happened, I still believe in love...

I am thankful for the hope that never leaves me alone, no matter how lonely life feels... I hope tonight that you might think about what really matters, wherever you are, wherever you may be, whether it is sharing traditions and family over a huge feast or sitting on a curb by yourself wondering where your next meal might come from, if it comes, think about something or someone you love, something that inspires you, something that reaches deep inside to where you live and lets you know you are still alive...

I hope you have that...

thanks for reading

. o O ( NOTES ARE THE NEW HAPPY PILL ) O o .
(just let me know you were here)