lol, s'cuse, me, I shouted... ok, so not all of you, but most of you are missing entries... dontcha feel the imbalance in the universe?... I hope you find time to go back and read the last few entries, for or five, actually, that were uploaded in the last day or two... cuz balance is good...

and before we get into this entry, I just want to remind you that you can help me out a whole lot by CLICKING HERE and voting for Meg and Dia (see my valiant attempt to become a promoter in the previous entry cuz you love me)...

and now, this entry...

in part in response to the previous entry, you should read how I used to gush when I used to spend a lot of time on Planet Candora... some of you might remember how a few sweet inspirations were misunderstood and I had to explain that I am not quite as much the obsessive stalker as I might appear... I mean, just because you might write words that melt my heart and I fall head over heels in love with you doesn't mean I am going to show up at your house and try to climb your trellis... it might not hold my weight, after all, since I put on a few pounds all these years on the night shift...

no wait, I was serious there for a minute... excuse my apparent frivolity, but I just don't take some fears seriously... I mean, just in case you are the object of my affections at any time in these online ramblings or rhymes, if you are afraid of love songs or of the way you inspire me, please just ignore me and I'll move along to the next great love of a lifetime quite enough... I know it's all in my head (and it's quite safe and fun there) and I have no expectations of you living up to the amazing people I make you out to be when I fall in love with you... and I certainly don't have any expectations of actually meeting you in the flesh... no less touching your flesh...

don't forget to tell Meg Ryan next time you see her...

seriously, read this if you are confused or afraid I am confusing fantasy with reality... unfortunately, that entry seemed to give a few devoted fans reason to feel offended and run away... like one day they were calling and talking for hours and sharing love and life and laughter and suddenly they were gone... no calls, no response to messages I left... it was as if they read the words as a personal rejection... I don't understand that, unless you buy too much into my literary fantasies...

no worries, you're safe... I don't actually chase anyone anymore... pursuit does little for me and if anything it's often a turn off because it feels pretentious... I prefer honesty to the flirtation games... unfortunately most people seem afraid of (or offended by) honest approaches so I smile a lot and have learned to listen since I don't get much out of small talk that beats around a bush... if someone is interested in me and wants me to read their mind or read obscure signals because they are afraid to just come right out and be honest, they probably lose me before hello... fear and insecurity are not attractive to me at all...

anyway, what I was getting at here is an entry like the previous one is only to be taken seriously if you understand me and I believe few can even begin to without something more than the words online... maybe if you read enough words (cuz there sure are a lot of them out here, aye?) you can get some sort of feel for who I am and what I mean, but so often I am teasing or mocking or just having fun with words and pay little regard to how the words might be read by small or frightened minds or by anyone for that matter... it's not so much that I like to keep people guessing or off balance... I don't intentionally set out to be an enigma most of the time... it's that I like to keep me on my toes... I like to tease and mock myself and I like to tease and mock fears and silly rules and certainty and anything cuz it's fun...

if you called me up and asked me a serious question, you'd get a serious answer... there might be a silly aside tossed in, unless you specifically requested no silly asides and then I'd do my best to keep the peanut gallery in my head quiet until you noticed they were standing on their heads and mooning us because they don't like staying too quiet for too long... I suppose that was mostly a metaphor, so hopefully you get it... cuz I'd like you to understand me... cuz I don't want to be the only one getting the joke...

of course if Meg and Dia asked me to be serious for more than a few moments we'd find the peanut gallery bound and gagged in the closet under old blankets, but that's just a perfect example of the cartoon mind that lives in this head that wobbles around on the top of this body I loosely call mine for as long as I can hold it up... and the toons in the head would get the same treatment if a lot of other people (and not just libido fantasies) asked for serious time... cuz I can be serious when I wanna be and I wanna be when someone I respect, admire, trust, or lust after asks...

don't forget to tell Meg Ryan next time you see her...

I do this (send out an entry of reassurance) every now and then, especially when I feel like I've been thrashing about like a turkey in a mosh pit (or a gigolo in a harem, for that matter) for a lot of entries in a row and what with the seventy-odd entries uploaded relatively all at once in the past couple of weeks, I figure a touch of the serious couldn't hurt... after all, we wouldn't want you to get the idea that I really am some sort of perverse maniac or weird character who lusts after strangers, right?...

just ask my old buddy z0tl what kind of fool am I and you'll be sure to get an earful if he's around... you still in Sandy Eggo, z-man or did the Dali Llama call you home?... and while I am shouting out, it was great to hear from Mr. Dangerous and see new words from your fingers... and yes, ender, I admire the heck out of you... and I love you too... if you want some great people with great fingers (and minds), just stop by my diaryland profiles or the great people listed on the right of my RealTime� blog (below the branches off the tree of madness, cuz all of those branches are me, yup, me)...

and those branches are just some of my written gardens on the web and the web sees less than one percent of my overall written gardens (yes, I write a lot and always have ever since I could hold my first crayon), so if you really want to know more about me you can spend years reading and putting together the pieces (and I'll worship you) or you could just ask (and I'll thank you)... and after that last paragraph I guess I'm realizing there are a few of you who can vouch for my sanity and harmlessness, not that I am looking to be sanctified or anything... though in some cases you might question the validity of the voucher, or sanity of the sanctifier, or as Curly would say, nyuk nyuk...

you could always ask Precious if you know where to find her...

did anybody notice the date?... I mean, here we are on the brink of what could be a power outage or temporary disconnection due to inclement weather and this diary is actually up to date... how long did it take?... of course there are missing dates out there in the past, but they will be filled in if the moment and inspiration comes... obviously I am not too concerned if most of my entries go unread or if they receive no comments cuz if I really wanted every entry to be read and have a chance for comments I'd upload one entry a week and give everyone a chance to see it when they came here... but the few of you who backtrack on my multiple uploads separate the average browser from the wanna-be friend and I do appreciate you wanting... don't forget that you can ask me anything in many ways and even hear the answer straight from my voice (see the bottom of both side bars)...

yay you J

luckily I don't get in these moods to clarify myself too often so the head scratching wondering about just how crazy I might really be can continue to perplex and amuse... after all, part of the fun is playing with the small minds who pass through quickly, read a few words, and think they know enough to judge my intent and who I am... what can I say, it's a cheap thrill and maybe an eye or two will open now and then... always trying to save the world, you know, at least in my spare time...

and don't forget to tell Meg Ryan next time you see her...

. o O ( NOTES ARE THE NEW HAPPY PILL ) O o .
(just let me know you were here)