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last---past---next---now
�2006 Candor Communications


2006-01-20 - 10:21 p.m.

something about tangled webs


I don't know but I've been told
authority is made of gold
I don't know but it's been said
freedom has been put to bed

right along with good sense, justice, and fair-play... heck, there isn't even freedom in bed, come to think of it... or not to come to think of it, for that matter... heck, even hearts are not free to love as they will... the party demanding smaller government is the same party that wants to govern the most personal decisions of our lives... sexuality, marriage, spirituality, child-raising, education, arts, thoughts, all government controlled through direct laws or economic mazes or fear-mongering social pressures... and let's let corporations run free to conquer the world as it destroys it... but enough about politics and religion and business and the restrictions each institution places on our every day lives and expression of our good feelings (though you may have noticed that the undercurrent of anti-establishment rhetoric is strong in this one lately), we're here today to enjoy ourselves, to entertain ourselves, and to that end, we shall dance...

leave the dark thoughts for other places tonight

(try not to get worried,
try not to turn on to
troubles that upset you, oh)

let's believe everything is alright yeah, everything is fine

I'm just a paraphrasing fool (and yes, previous references to JCS were accurately identified as being from JCS by my astute commentators while another song from Joseph was rummaging through my head for one reason or another {it is a challenge to convey everything going on simultaneously in my head, so I settle for the flow as it is and hope to be able to remember whatever was going on up there if I am ever asked specifically about any line or phrase or word or something that may or may not be between the lines} and it may or may not be related to the start of this entry and time may or may not tell, but we'll forge ahead just the same because the journey is the point in the end and besides, it's fun... hopefully for you too), more and more lately returning to roots of feelings that reach far beyond the cope of every day moments and what we may call mortal man (not that I'm any kind of superman, at least not in my mind)...

ego just did a double take after hearing the last line... cleverly, he suspects some sort of set up, but I sense he may be wrong... I am tired (not the sleepy daily tired from not enough sleep kind of tired, but the deep in the pits of the psyche kind of garden of Gethsemane song kind of tired)... waves of such burdensome energy swarm over me now and then and this is one of those times in the long and the short term, that is, this heavier feeling cycle has been going on for years and on a different (shorter in linear time) wavelength, the past few months have been almost suffocating (self-inflicted, mostly) as I go through one of those surrender periods in which I let go of the reigns of life and coast along (or fall, or fly, perhaps) on whatever winds of chance or energy that might find me...

it could be said that my psychic my engine is overheating... or perhaps it was and that is why I shifted into neutral and am riding the currents without attempting any steering or power of my own... after all I tried for a lot longer that three years and it sure is feeling like forever, but not just cuz of the events of life itself, but because of an inner clock that measures time differently than the clocks and calendars I learned to use in order to fit in... the darkest ripples in the wave of burdensome energy whispers he end is near kind of thoughts and the peanut gallery mumbles clich rebuttals while playing games that sort of combine Scrabble with statistical analysis and snarky nursery rhymes not meant for publication for the overprotected children of this culture...

and that's just part of what's going on in my head all the while I'm wandering aimlessly through links on the web or rambling in my own writings, not to mention functioning reasonably well in the workplace and grocery stores and the culture at large...

meanwhile, I am hearing unpleasant remarks from various internal organs about the way I am treating this body and they seem to have elected the liver to represent them... according to the doctor's representative (I'm not sure just what her title is, but she calls to relay results and recommendations after I go for annual check-ups and such) the sonogram results, in case you recall my mentioning going for the test last month, point to my having a fatty liver... just what that means has not interested me enough to look it up just yet, but from my vast education and experience in hospitals in various capacities from direct patient care in an emergency room or ambulance to goofing off on the night shift in a psyche ward tells me that an accumulation of fatty deposits are possibly clogging the liver... this would result in the bloated feelings I've mentioned in recent months...

of course it has nothing to do with the over-indulgence of the mouth (and taste buds) as I devour chocolate like it's, well, chocolate... not to mention my love of pasta covered in heavy sauces and buried in melted cheeses... or highly spiced foods from all around the world... or, well, I get the point, but I'm not listening...

I probably would benefit from a vacation...

of a few years or so

I've never been a good rat... though I do love mazes, I love variety even more, so playing the same game day after day grows tiresome after a while and I just start scribbling on the walls or doing something odd or outrageous to upset apple carts or otherwise change the game... though I've found that most people don't seem to appreciate my ingenuity...

I don't understand people who can do the same thing for a lifetime, even if it's something they love... my brain (and body) aches for more stimulation, more learning, more new experiences... I know people who can order the same meal every time they go out to eat or drink the same drink constantly (Rasputin's like that) and I don't understand how comfortable that gets... I mean, I have favorites, but I have a whole lot of favorites...

I suppose the more I explore myself, the more obvious the answer to the question why am I alone again? might become... I'm rather easy to get along with because I enjoy so many different things and deciding or controlling what to do is not my priority... on the other hand, I wander around from interest to interest so much, that people tired of my curiosity and desire to explore and play... well, grown ups do...

I keep wishing for someone who is not gonna poop out on me just cuz we've been awake for 24 or 36 hours... I want more than wishful thinking or the best of intentions...

I'm whining, aren't I?...

I must have some distorted perceptions about things and I'd love to be called on it in the physical world (it's not as easy in worlds online because it's like trying to judge a puzzle with only some of the pieces in place), but as I look around me and listen to people in my physical spaces I find much more distortions in their thinking than in mine... for instance, about twenty feet away from me right now, two obese people (one of whom is at least two hundred pounds over a healthy weight) are talking about a third person who is quite overweight and assuring each other that the third person is not overweight at all... now ain't that America...

and I wonder, during this alone time, how much I pull my punches because I do not want to appear unattractive or unapproachable... I'd hope I might be someone recommendable to singles who are looking for someone crazy like me... like someone else with a four year old's outlook on life, the universe, and everything and more energy than I'm supposed to have as a mature grown person... aren't there any human-puppies out there?...

even in my most shocking or experimental writings, I wonder how much is held back or modified just cuz I am alone and don't want to be...

it would take a lot of time and study to answer that question... not to mention a lot of energy and a very open mind... and the patience of a... true friend... somehow saint didn't seem to fit there... suddenly Time Enough For Love comes to mind... it's a Heinlein story about a guy who lives for thousands of years, in case you didn't know...

I suppose my current long and short term malaise and the whining about it tonight is heavily influenced by my being at work where more and more I feel undervalued, underutilized, and under appreciated... others take credit for what I do on a regular basis and because I put the patient care rules (and therein patient care) first and not profits, the administration do their best to ignore or shoot down my suggestions or issues...

they just better hope a worst case scenario does not happen while I am here and even more, they better not formally ask me to report or testify on it... my guess is what they hope for is that I and a few others continue to go above and beyond our job titles and continue to ignore ethical concerns in order to hold the place together and quell any potentially dangerous situations... they use our work ethics and concern for the kids against us by ignoring the problems and trusting us to keep the peace understaffed and without the right tools...

hey, how did I get on this subject again?...

just looking around...

I've tried to stay outside of the system this time, to help as much as I can without being swallowed by the bureaucracy or corrupted by the games... the relative poverty aspect of staying at the bottom of the working world sucks at times, but the stress remains relatively low most of the time and the self-respect levels remain relatively high... I think that's worth it...

but I am finding that the same old routine and the sedentary life is stagnating for my brain... especially since I am without the benefit of a partner with whom to share the routine... I enjoyed almost a decade of high-stress management and a stationary living routine while in a relationship... and I enjoyed almost a decade of freedom from routines all alone... but recent years I've got the routine and the aloneness and the combination doesn't work well for me...

suddenly I am hearing Father and Son (Cat Stevens)... from the moment I could talk I was ordered to listen and told it's not time to make a change, just relax, take it easy, you are young, that's your fault, there's so much you have to go through... find a girl, settle down, if you want, you can marry, look at me, I am old, but I'm happy... I was once like you are now and I know that it's not easy to be calm when you've found something's going on, but take your time, think a lot, why think of everything you've got for you may still be here tomorrow, but your dreams may not but still if they were right, I'd agree, but it's them they know, not me and it's always been the same, the same old story...

yeah, I know I rearranged the lyric... and left out what may be the point but there's a way, and I know, that I have to go away, I know, I have to go... but then, where to go and how... what sort of going am I pondering... a change of habit or a change of location... or both... and if location, will the grass be greener anywhere else?... sometimes... but ultimately, the going I need is the change of habit...

so simple to write...

so easy to ignore...

especially easy to ignore when I am not in a relationship and live with rather sedentary people (though I've become the most sedentary over the past year) who have rather unhealthy eating habits... soda is their water... meat meat meat... veggies, salads, fruits, most anything light and healthy is not even mentioned, no less considered as a meal or part of a meal... and snacks, cakes, pies, chocolate... and as is my way, I've surpassed them both in these habits as well... I know the kitchen is never clean enough to consider using the counters for preparing food and I've long since given up trying to keep it clean... yes, I've surpassed them in slovenliness as well... the chameleon I am does the when in Rome bit too well sometimes...

so I get my veggies canned or frozen, my fruit canned or in drinks, and most everything is processed, packaged, ready to stick in the oven or microwave and be eaten out of it's container or one of the few bowls I use to cook and eat out of... an economy of house wares keeps me from adding too much to the pile of dishes (I wash mine as I use it most of the time) and I don't have to deal with the counters...

I have slacked into serious slackerhood in so many ways, I can hardly recognize the parts of me who understand and appreciate the benefits of maintaining good health and cleanliness... and is this realization going to change anything?... probably not today... or tomorrow... the daily grind, the weekly routine is consuming me... laundry, cleaning, any changes wait to be considered on the weekends and then, laziness and sports on TV or browsing on the web take over... what a sordid lifestyle I've slid into, huh?...

maybe I'm not exactly whining, maybe I am too tired to whine or even tease myself tonight, maybe I'm just sparing enough energy for a serious confrontation, and laying out of facts like sorting through dirty laundry... for what it's worth, I am not please or proud of my recent lifestyle choices... the bloated feeling lingers too long, the laziness has become too strong, the clutter is crowding out creativity or at least providing so much distraction that apathy, procrastination, and ambivalence are winning the daily battle for attention and play the deciding factors in the what to do today game, and the mundanity is insanity...

yes, that vacation idea sounds all too right... not to rest as much as to rejuvenate, to change perspectives, venues, and most of all, habits... after sleeping for a few days...

but a few days or even a week will not be enough, so I do not take the vacation because I take some time off now and then during the year and this place only provides two weeks paid vacation... change of jobs?... if there was an opportunity to maintain the modest income somewhere else, I'd consider it very strongly, probably would make the change... though giving up writing time at work would be one big consideration... as would just how much BS comes with the job (as every work environment I've ever known has a fair share of the stuff)... something tells me it is not happening anytime soon...

that something is the voice of stagnation...

nothing that some trips to the gym wouldn't kick in the larynx though... a change in lifestyle does not require a change in venue... it simply requires the motivation, the decision to get out of the chair... to get out of bed fit in a walk to the gym before plopping down in the chair... every day... and eating smaller portions... and healthier fresh foods... and being less alone... and I can feel the whining starting up again...

I think I've finally done it... I've accomplished the impossible... a long time ago my heart was broken because I wanted more, I wanted completely open honesty, I wanted intensity, conscious awareness, and to tap into the infinite energy I felt all around me... I wanted to be me... and she wanted to fit in, she wanted everyone to like her, she wanted to belong more than she wanted to be with me...

and I was torn... I did not want to lose myself, but I did not want to lose her... I set out on a journey to discover a way to belong, to fit in with the human race so that maybe she'd be able to stay with me... I tried everything I could think of, anything that might shut down my brain, turn off my energy, force me to accept the limits everybody else accepted so apparently happily... nothing worked... there were temporary fixes, drugs, alcohol, work, school, staying too busy to have time for looking in the mirror to see if I changed...

I think I finally understand now... maybe most people are not necessarily happy with the limits they accept to fit in, in fact, most people are depressed... maybe not clinically depressed, but the sigh of depression is evident in the complacency, the acceptance of suicidal habits, the hypocrisies and double standards, the socially accepted escapes...

desires must be repressed, suppressed, depressed in order to function in the social culture of our times... awareness must be limited and sensitivity turned down or off in order to ignore the pain and suffering in the world all around us and in our own lives... if we're ever gonna survive, we must...

spirituality must be detached, placed out of reach, given away because the responsibility for our eternal souls, if we've got such, is too much bother for us to maintain while juggling work and school and the interactions of everyday life... nobody wants to hang out with a saint or a genius or truly enlightened being...

and so we've got our systems and our rituals and our traditions and our laws and our gods to keep us from having to take responsibility for our every little thought or feeling or action... we can take comfort in the fact that everybody does it... we can escape into the socially acceptable mind-numbing chemicals and activities... we can repress and suppress and be depressed and not notice because we fit in with everybody else who is relatively equally repressed and suppressed and depressed...

so why can't I shut my mouth and stop telling secrets? (maybe cuz I know it's no secret, everybody knows, and just cuz nobody talks about it much without a veil of self-pity or the pretense of helplessness or the dark clouds and fog of self-depreciation and low self-esteem... doesn't mean we don't want to expose it or change it... maybe it all comes down to the ultimate social question, who goes first?)...

have I learned to fear change?... have I learned to complacently accept a dull daily routine?... have I learned to reluctantly accept self-destructive habits, laziness, apathy, ambivalence?... have I learned to laugh at it so well, I convince myself I am enjoying it?...

at every moment we are living and dying...

simultaneously living and dying... the question is how... are we sitting back and watching life pass by while complacently waiting for death in a cloud of blah blah or apathy or surrender?... are we entertained enough by TV and the internet and mealtime that such sedentary sports have become life as we know it?... are we focused on the living or blinded by the dying?...

I want to believe it is not the latter, but I search for proof... while individual and specific good can be found in most anything and perspective is everything, in the big picture, I do not find proof in the news, in politics, in religion, in business, or even in sports most of the time... I do not find proof on the internet or on TV or in my taste buds... in all these places I find more evidence that we are blinded by the dying than proof that we are focused on the living...

more and more I see that we live with our eyes closed, our senses shut down, our conscience and integrity distracted by games we play to amuse ourselves and to survive...

and I am becoming just another one who does the same... I am finally starting to fit in, to belong to the human race as it is in these times we call the present... the moments I write these words...

but I have hope, somehow, that the moments you are reading these words are different... that somehow the collective consciousness of humanity casts off it's shroud of fear and opens to the individual and specific good we can find and do in everything and in realizing this, we start doing it and therein truly focused on the living in every decision, in every interaction, in every moment of our lives...

I am hoping these moments are not too far off from the moment of this writing...

what do you think?






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