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last---past---next---now
�2006 Candor Communications


2005-10-30 - 1:12 p.m.

sunday morning sunshine


how many entries did you miss now?


yeah, well, the week that was, was... it's the weekend, right?... Sunday, I think... I don't work tonight which makes three days off in a row and that is like some sort of dream cuz I can let go of time and calendars and reality, which is closer to heaven in my mind... the links above are the entries you probably missed if you have not been here in the last eight or ten hours or so... a whole week's worth of madness and mayhem between my ears poured into words just for you...

I love this poem... it reaches the deepest fears and desires inside (like I once could relate too well to these words too), it cries out from the infant who has never known unconditional love and the heart/anima that dreams of sharing everything with someone... breathe me... beautiful...

I am sending a serious shout out to my friends (and everyone I don't know too) who are rebuilding homes and towns caught in the paths of storms this year... that trip down to the Everglades planned for next weekend has apparently been cancelled because the place was torn up too bad... we'll be doing it another time, I was told by Elpien last night when she called to tell me the weekly card game was cancelled cuz Berry and Bert were out shopping around for wedding stuff (and a place to have it) all day (and they work Saturday nights)... it's not going to be up at Bert's sister's place in Deltona...

so tales from the heart of the swamp will have to wait until another month... meanwhile, I hope the excitement of rebuilding your world is replacing the devastation feeling (it might take a little longer)... that's how it was for many of us in 2004 around here... life changed, definitely... lifestyle changed too... and some losses and the pain does not fade... but if you can find the light that starting anew can be, the excitement of starting over is the best thing that comes out of a tragedy...

may you all find it soon...

around here, little changes these days... the new edict from the recently freed budget director (it's somewhere in the past week's entries) is it's it's free, ok... if not, no... simple enough, until you realize that means lazy weekend at home watching sports (at least there's a lot on) and movies (the library is free, just gotta remember to renew or get the stuff back on time or I'll wind up cutting myself off there too)... now more than ever I would love to find some local friends who are into doing stuff that doesn't cost anything (or one really rich person who'd adopt me, that would work for a while too)... I'll let you know when I start feeling bored to death... hopefully that will be before you do or writing it here will be pointless... heh...

I hope to find time to explore this interesting community a bit more in the near future... I am not sure I am ready or wanting to actually be a member of an internet community in any more commited sense than this diary (and all the connected pages) these days... without a partner in life, nothing is certain (the certainties and stabilities will be forged together, after all)... but when I find a community that feels alive, I wonder...

meanwhile, back in this narcissistic little diary world, only one of you have noticed my sudden flood of entries to this point and I want to thank you for your notes... your comment inspired me to ponder sharing myself in different ways (and I have over the years) and I'm going to include you in this entry (hope you don't mind... if you do, just tell me and I won't do it again)...

some of you might know Pfirsich from my comments and others of you might know the enigmatic babbler from your own comments, perhaps even under different names... Pf, as I call the as yet genderless (though I can imagine she is adorable in my mind's eye if I want to) writer, remains largely unknown for the moment and yet, offers enough insight and queries and stroking to just the right places be selected as the latest victim guest of the state of mind behind the candoor...

this is self-serving, of course, since I can not introduce an commenter without a website beyond the words already left for anyone to read in my comments, but perhaps you come here to watch me service myself and in that sense, this is serving you as well...

I meant none of the double entendres you may or may not see above...

really...



so I decided that because Pf inspired me to think about me and therein introduce myself a bit more and provide links to even more introductions that you can read if you really want to know me, I would reproduce the comments right here in an entry so you don't have to miss them cuz I know only a few of you actually click on comments to read or leave one... see how considerate I am as I scour my brain for entry material to complete this catch-up session for this week?...

oh, there go the pants dropping again, huh?

yeah, well, in case you missed them (and don't get what I mean), here's a little more insight into my character, cuz I've got one somewhere in all this babble, I'm almost sure of it... first, the comment from Pf that started this entry:

Pfirsich - 2005-10-30 07:43:03

I would like to know...where youre coming from! What your definition of words is, for example, what YOU mean when you say alone.

But Im getting more of a perspective already.

-------Hey, hm, with the insecurity, I meant: dont overcome it. Dont get rid of it. Have it control you. That will give you a lot of power and ways to act. When you want to get rid of it, that makes you weak. You have to allow the insecurity and fear, allow it to happen.

----The fear has now the upper hand because you cant take it, the fear is there, but you cant control it, you cant see it and know it and get a hold of it if you dont admit it. That its there.

----You are trying to be cool, but you are anything but cool, youre excited.

----You are perfectly manageable if you are "excited kid" in front of yourself. But noone can see you, you dont get any attention if you play cool, or state youre cool or assume that (I dont know what youre doing).

--Who you are is "excited". Thats a label that would fit, a correct label. If you label yourself wrong, like "cool", then noone recognizes you, and then you get overlooked, and I assume you dont exactly like that, so you get frustrated. Which I love, that is such a pheromone that you like attention so much. I love it the best about you. Ha, I think that IS what I love so much, what is so exciting, like, talking about being in a yuri relationship. I like that you like attention, yes, thats true! Thats like the coolest thing about you in my eyes, that IS why I love you and think youre safe, and Im safe with you. Thats what makes me feel at home, you know!

------Like: excited, thats a good thing FOR YOU. This is like: red is YOUR colour. It doesnt go with everybody!

But it is YOUR colour. It looks BEST on you. And thats how you can make people look!!! If you wear what looks best on you. "Cool" looks good on someone who is actually cool, whatever that now exactly should be.

-------You can hide your insecurity, not a problem either, that makes me smile. You have to sport insecure, you have to say its a good thing. You have to set it up as a rule of good behaviour. Teach everyone to be insecure. Be a rolemodel in being insecure. SAY its a good thing! It IS a good thing! Its a great thing! Its very pleasant for me! Noone ever treated me that well. This should be a role model for everyone, you know!

-----You have to defend your features and characteristics, you know. Youre not supposed to take on my characteristics.


as I re-read Pf's words many more random thoughts come to mind, like there's already a Napolean Dynamite and I'll never be a Woody Allen, but then, I'm not trying to be anyone or anything and there's no practical conscious effort going into presenting myself in any particular way... that is to say, there's no thought going into how the thought stream comes out into words here in my babbling about myself and most everything else (though I do sometimes play with presentation for fun, that's not the serious points)...

I love the attention... and I'm cool with being excited (with a cheesy slap happy grin)... and on that note, here is my response comment in it's original form (with one correction on the linkage)...

candoor responded on 2005-10-30 08:39:31

Inigo Montoya: Who are you?
Westley: No one of consequence.
Inigo Montoya: I must know...
Westley: Get used to disappointment.
Inigo Montoya: 'kay.

I must laugh at the fact that you remain anonymous to me, Pf... for it is the enigma reflecting the obscurity that amuses me most about this internet life we can create for ourselves... I imagine that sometimes you leave comments for people who are put off in some way because your mind gushes words and you probably confuse some and scare others... and there is a part of me itching to know more about you, who you are, and whether you have an internet presence beyond your rambling comments...

I do not make full disclosure a prerequisite for commenting here, so it is as you wish (and keep me wondering until you are satisfied you've toyed with my curiosity enough - or until I find frustration leads me to value your comments less, whichever comes first)... this may be a sign of my security, that I accept the unknowns and make the most of what I find... and any frustration in not knowing may be a sign of my insecurity...

what you see in my words is up to you... I can tell you that I mock myself when I call myself cool in order to be cooler, but the true may well be I just want to be real and let my silly ego dance naked in words so I can see myself behind the words, behind the candoor, so to speak... the genuine 'me' is more than words and appreciates your thoughtful words even as I want to know more than words about you...

the writer is an excited child, for sure... and the writer is a large part of me... but though the excited child is not all I am either, I beam that you recognize me in my babbling... thank you more than words can say :)

as for insecurity, I don't think I hide it... my way of exposing it is to mock my ego and appear the fool, kind of like the Emperor in "The Emperor's New Cloths"... I strut around here in words as if I've got something vitally important to say, as if everyone must drop whatever it is they are doing just to read my magic words, and then, hopefully, they get the joke... that is, that I am just another traveller on the road to kingdom come (Harry Chapin) and I don't know anything more than anybody else and all I really want is to share some peace and love and understanding...

cuz everybody's lonely (Harry Chapin)...

what I mean by alone can fill many pages... simply, we are all alone in separate bodies, yet we can feel less alone by sharing thoughts and feelings and physical space and touches and interactions... the loneliness I feel is wanting and missing the sharing two (or more) can do, but I never forget that 'alone' is the natural state of existence in these bodies in this life...

my nature is to enjoy the moment, so sometimes there's frustration for a moment when I am not getting all I want, but rather quickly (and suddenly, for most I've met) I am on to something more enjoyable than thinking about what I am missing... I love experiencing my senses in this life and that is where I am most of the time inside...

I come to express the longings and unfulfilled wantings in words because I hope someone might come along and understand and fulfill the wantings that require more than me to fulfill... my writing is often a reflection of that part of me, the sad longing part, but that is not where I spend most of my time... most of me, most of the time, is away from the keyboard experiencing life (from watching it on a screen to living it out in the physical world) with the excitement of loving the experience all by myself...

I very much appreciate your interest in knowing me... if you want to know more about the me inside, you might want to start at a place I labelled creating me as that is the folder into which I put rhymes that attempted to express the me I know as me over the years... the excited child, as you see me, can be found more on this page and in this babbling introduction or in the intros or in my BIOS or starting at the back door (where friends and deliveries come in :)

or, if you would like the simplest approach, just call and ask :)


and in clicking on the links I provided I found that it's been years since I updated some of my introductory sites and yet most of the babbling was generic enough to still reflect me well today... I found a profile I created on a public meeting site a few years back that I am bound to turn into an entry here one of these days (given my recent addiction to pure narcissism, of course)... I found the babbling introduction (linked above) I wrote back in early 1997 to be eerily similar to Pf's own writing style...

am I haunting myself?...

. o O ( cue eerie music and Robert Klein sounds ) O o .

somebody start on the screenplay right now...


a seemingly happy-go-lucky babbling blogger shares everything he (or she) can think of in an online diary journal blog and suddenly finds comments from some anonymous commenter that are seductively caring and interested, but soon turn much more personal and intimate snail mail and phone messages and even the apparent conversation happens, but then the diarist falls in love in the offline world and writes about the love-interest and the commenter becomes obsessive and our happy-go-lucky internet diarist finds he or she has an internet stalker who gets possessive and even dangerous sending gifts through the mail that are not-so-veiled threats that the diarist must continue (or stop) writing online or else and fear takes over (and maybe violence to the love-interest if we want it even darker) and the police get involved and after the obligatory thirty, sixty, or ninety minutes of storyline, it turns out that the diarist has MPD (multiple personality disorder) and has been stalking him/herself through the online comments and snail mail and phone messages and more...


shades of Psycho and many other films, I know, but still, You've Got Mail was just an internet related remake of many love stories that came before, so there's your next hollywood thriller... remember now, give me screen credit or I'll stalk you...

yes, it is appropriate to laugh now...

so what else is new?...






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