really...

Pfirsich - 2005-10-30 07:43:03

I would like to know...where you�re coming from! What your definition of words is, for example, what YOU mean when you say alone.

But I�m getting more of a perspective already.

-------Hey, hm, with the insecurity, I meant: don�t overcome it. Don�t get rid of it. Have it control you. That will give you a lot of power and ways to act. When you want to get rid of it, that makes you weak. You have to allow the insecurity and fear, allow it to happen.

----The fear has now the upper hand because you can�t take it, the fear is there, but you can�t control it, you can�t see it and know it and get a hold of it if you don�t admit it. That it�s there.

----You are trying to be cool, but you are anything but cool, you�re excited.

----You are perfectly manageable if you are "excited kid" in front of yourself. But noone can see you, you don�t get any attention if you play cool, or state you�re cool or assume that (I don�t know what you�re doing).

--Who you are is "excited". That�s a label that would fit, a correct label. If you label yourself wrong, like "cool", then noone recognizes you, and then you get overlooked, and I assume you don�t exactly like that, so you get frustrated. Which I love, that is such a pheromone that you like attention so much. I love it the best about you. Ha, I think that IS what I love so much, what is so exciting, like, talking about being in a yuri relationship. I like that you like attention, yes, that�s true! That�s like the coolest thing about you in my eyes, that IS why I love you and think you�re safe, and I�m safe with you. That�s what makes me feel at home, you know!

------Like: excited, that�s a good thing FOR YOU. This is like: red is YOUR colour. It doesn�t go with everybody!

But it is YOUR colour. It looks BEST on you. And that�s how you can make people look!!! If you wear what looks best on you. "Cool" looks good on someone who is actually cool, whatever that now exactly should be.

-------You can hide your insecurity, not a problem either, that makes me smile. You have to sport insecure, you have to say it�s a good thing. You have to set it up as a rule of good behaviour. Teach everyone to be insecure. Be a rolemodel in being insecure. SAY it�s a good thing! It IS a good thing! It�s a great thing! It�s very pleasant for me! Noone ever treated me that well. This should be a role model for everyone, you know!

-----You have to defend your features and characteristics, you know. You�re not supposed to take on my characteristics.

candoor responded on 2005-10-30 08:39:31

Inigo Montoya: Who are you?
Westley: No one of consequence.
Inigo Montoya: I must know...
Westley: Get used to disappointment.
Inigo Montoya: 'kay.

I must laugh at the fact that you remain anonymous to me, Pf... for it is the enigma reflecting the obscurity that amuses me most about this internet life we can create for ourselves... I imagine that sometimes you leave comments for people who are put off in some way because your mind gushes words and you probably confuse some and scare others... and there is a part of me itching to know more about you, who you are, and whether you have an internet presence beyond your rambling comments...

I do not make full disclosure a prerequisite for commenting here, so it is as you wish (and keep me wondering until you are satisfied you've toyed with my curiosity enough - or until I find frustration leads me to value your comments less, whichever comes first)... this may be a sign of my security, that I accept the unknowns and make the most of what I find... and any frustration in not knowing may be a sign of my insecurity...

what you see in my words is up to you... I can tell you that I mock myself when I call myself cool in order to be cooler, but the true may well be I just want to be real and let my silly ego dance naked in words so I can see myself behind the words, behind the candoor, so to speak... the genuine 'me' is more than words and appreciates your thoughtful words even as I want to know more than words about you...

the writer is an excited child, for sure... and the writer is a large part of me... but though the excited child is not all I am either, I beam that you recognize me in my babbling... thank you more than words can say :)

as for insecurity, I don't think I hide it... my way of exposing it is to mock my ego and appear the fool, kind of like the Emperor in "The Emperor's New Cloths"... I strut around here in words as if I've got something vitally important to say, as if everyone must drop whatever it is they are doing just to read my magic words, and then, hopefully, they get the joke... that is, that I am just another traveller on the road to kingdom come (Harry Chapin) and I don't know anything more than anybody else and all I really want is to share some peace and love and understanding...

cuz everybody's lonely (Harry Chapin)...

what I mean by alone can fill many pages... simply, we are all alone in separate bodies, yet we can feel less alone by sharing thoughts and feelings and physical space and touches and interactions... the loneliness I feel is wanting and missing the sharing two (or more) can do, but I never forget that 'alone' is the natural state of existence in these bodies in this life...

my nature is to enjoy the moment, so sometimes there's frustration for a moment when I am not getting all I want, but rather quickly (and suddenly, for most I've met) I am on to something more enjoyable than thinking about what I am missing... I love experiencing my senses in this life and that is where I am most of the time inside...

I come to express the longings and unfulfilled wantings in words because I hope someone might come along and understand and fulfill the wantings that require more than me to fulfill... my writing is often a reflection of that part of me, the sad longing part, but that is not where I spend most of my time... most of me, most of the time, is away from the keyboard experiencing life (from watching it on a screen to living it out in the physical world) with the excitement of loving the experience all by myself...

I very much appreciate your interest in knowing me... if you want to know more about the me inside, you might want to start at a place I labelled creating me as that is the folder into which I put rhymes that attempted to express the me I know as me over the years... the excited child, as you see me, can be found more on this page and in this babbling introduction or in the intros or in my BIOS or starting at the back door (where friends and deliveries come in :)

or, if you would like the simplest approach, just call and ask :)

somebody start on the screenplay right now...

a seemingly happy-go-lucky babbling blogger shares everything he (or she) can think of in an online diary journal blog and suddenly finds comments from some anonymous commenter that are seductively caring and interested, but soon turn much more personal and intimate snail mail and phone messages and even the apparent conversation happens, but then the diarist falls in love in the offline world and writes about the love-interest and the commenter becomes obsessive and our happy-go-lucky internet diarist finds he or she has an internet stalker who gets possessive and even dangerous sending gifts through the mail that are not-so-veiled threats that the diarist must continue (or stop) writing online or else and fear takes over (and maybe violence to the love-interest if we want it even darker) and the police get involved and after the obligatory thirty, sixty, or ninety minutes of storyline, it turns out that the diarist has MPD (multiple personality disorder) and has been stalking him/herself through the online comments and snail mail and phone messages and more...

. o O ( NOTES ARE THE NEW HAPPY PILL ) O o .
(just let me know you were here)