cuz there's really nothing to print.. really.

but that doesn't stop the intrepid babbler, now does it� no, our unlikely hero simply pressed the keys and somehow, out come more words� clearly it makes no different to our unprecedented curmudgeon that there may be no sense whatsoever in the strings of words that seemingly constantly abstractly form in his mind as he diligently forges ahead just the same as if the world might stop turning on it's axis if he ever stopped� obviously delusions of grandeur and the occasional egocentric illusion inspire him to produce web pages upon which these words can be shared and read so mankind can have a better chance of survival and all souls can be saved�

even the little green ones�

I just remembered that Rasputin ordered pizza and subs just before I went to bed yesterday and I joined in so I have pizza and ice cream (we bought ice cream the day before) at home waiting for me (I ate the sub for dinner last night) and suddenly I am hungry cuz I didn't eat anything upon waking and rushing out to work� so I shall get a Hershey's Snack Bar, which is really a rice krispies treat with chocolate and ridiculously priced at $1US) out of the vending machine and hold on for another four hours until I can get home and have some pizza and ice cream�

what am I thinking?�

ok (heave, breathing-wise) now writing that kicked the wiser side of me who was supposed to have signed up for the Disney marathon already because I told Bert and Berry that I would (though I am not at all certain they are actually going to do it) and the idea of running this morning before I settle down for pizza and ice cream and sleep crept out of the dark hole in my head where it usually sleeps quietly, at least in recent months, and stares me down as the lazy oaf I have become� and while I only look shamefully down at the dirt I kick so carefully with the toe of my sneaker for theatrical purposes because I do not believe in or empower guilt or shame, I do feel the responsibility to myself for maintaining a healthier body because I want to live a long and active life�

is there a method to this madness?�

and of course some voice in my head takes credit for writing it just this way, for even as I questioned the wisdom of being gleeful over pizza and ice cream and I indulge in a snack bar when I am trying to be supportive of others who, like me, could really use some more motivation to exercise more and eat less calorie laden foods, I sensed that this confrontation between the lazy me and the active me would happen if I unknowingly tricked myself by letting my taste buds write a paragraph and that could turn into possibly finding enough motivation to kick start another run/walk just one more day (and that is the way, one day, one step at a time)�

my subconscious is so cleverly devious sometimes�

and as usual as the night progresses here at casa de psycho (where the candoor works), the air conditioning brings on the chills and so I sit here drinking hot tea through a straw in an attempt to warm this body� someone told me they read an article that said drinking hot liquids really does not help warm a body� so it might be psychological, but I am still going to try it anyway� I know hot food warms a body because I have been known to start perspiring while eating a piping hot bowl of spaghetti or chili, or even soup� and hot chocolate on ski trips seemed kind of essential for me� so I tend to believe the article was wrong or perhaps misunderstood, but who knows just what science might prove next�

obviously the Hershey's Snack Bar did not do it's job because I am still quite hungry�

but then again, I am realizing that I've forgotten (or actually misplaced in my mind) the awareness of the difference between physical hunger and emotional hunger and the different kinds and levels of each� and let's not forget psychological or spiritual hunger, since such intellectualizing is distracting me from my grumbling stomach a bit (or at least it might eventually)� I know that pressure on the inner abdominal wall should be enough to quell hunger as ignoring such pressure is the first step toward fatdom (the vast kingdom of fatness that most Americans and lots of other humans in this world have ever so eagerly moved into in these modern times)�

knowing this is not the same as knowing this and is a far cry from remembering this�

that inner abdominal wall pressure, once ignored, leaves the door wide open (kinda literally) for all sorts of other crossed wires to form in the body's physical and psychological pathways� the mouth, most specifically the taste buds, can easily maneuver into a position of power once the inner abdominal wall is ignored for too long� and then the psyche, insatiable for so many things including attention, stimulation, recognition, appreciation, affection, and love, can easily manipulate the power of the taste buds to over-indulge in eating and specifically in choosing comfort foods whenever it is not completely satisfied�

I can't get no� (duh duh duh)

we won't even begin to explore how powerful libido can become (can I get a pacifier, please?), but suffice to look at the many stupid situations and fine messes so many people (who me?) have gotten themselves into following an overly empowered libido and try to remember not to get that far gone from the basic awareness of the physical consciousness of being in these bodies in this world�

intellectualization does not keep a body warm on cold nights�

yes, well anyway, I must return to being in touch with the inner abdominal wall and the resident muscles that have too long been neglected� and to that end I sit here exercising said muscles, ever so difficultly as they have been the most ignored muscle group on this body for the longest time� I remember in grade school and high school how doing a thousand sit ups was a good fun challenge I could easily meet� for many years I would do sit ups before falling asleep, hooking my feet into the bedposts at the end of the bed�

many hundreds every night�

stopping that one activity started a landslide (or shall we say bodyslide into the abyss of self-destructive self-indulgence� it's an cruel pattern of behavior that develops creating an ugly physical condition call fat (though there are those who would tell you that fat is beautiful and to that I simply say that there appear to be no limits to denial, whether specific individual denial or the collective denial of a large portion of humanity� do you wake up eat morning and strap a fifty pound sack of rice on your back?� how about a twenty pound sack of potatoes, feel like carrying one around all day?�

well neither does your body�

and speaking of denial (oh, here we go), are you paying for somebody else's son to fly somewhere far away and shoot people?� did you pay for the flight that transported the dead body of someone's son or daughter home for burial?� yes, actually, you do and did, unless you don't pay your taxes� and do you really think it ok for one group of people to, by brute force, make another group of people change the way they choose to live?� what if someone stronger than you demanded you changed your ways of thinking and praying and living?�

denial is a very powerful, cruel, and deadly force�

but I am not here to bash or undermine or screw with anyone's religion or politics (I leave that for the politicians and religious leaders to do for they do it to themselves far better than I ever could), no, the denial I wish to confront here is that one what allows me to sit down to dinner and eat twice as much as I should just cuz my taste buds like the stimulation� the denial that longs for all-you-can-eat buffets (which are rather prevalent in this tourist town)� the denial that allows the pain of stretching the abdominal wall to be ignored or at least accepted - as if I am pregnant (which would be a medical miracle, no doubt)�

yes, such warped thinking does denial inspire�

this denial that allows me to pretend I don't know why I overindulge or how to stop it� this denial that leads me to feel unattractive and uncomfortable, so much so, that it spreads to ignite other denials of social conscience and sexual desire and suddenly there is an explosion of denial tearing me and any good sense or awareness I have into shreds of nonsense that tickle hungers and addictions into becoming the demanding monsters they can become and beating any will power or focus or discipline I might have left into submission� this denial that is the largest epidemic humanity has ever seen and, if not checked, could ultimately destroy humanity�

did the dinosaurs die out because they ate all the food?�

what ice age?� oh, perhaps the one caused by the lack of oxygen balance due to the consumption of too much of the oxygen producing plants on the planet?� not the greenhouse effect taking the ecosystem to one extreme (overheating) and forcing it to compensate by swinging back to the other extreme (ice), no, that could never happen� the dinosaurs must have just gotten into their ships and went back to their home planet because they got homesick�

but let's bring this back to manageable levels�

so somehow I must find motivation to do a sit up� and then another� until I can do at least a few dozen again, if not a few hundred� for it is that inner abdominal wall that is the front line of this personal war that denial has brought on in me� and then, there's the park (or the gym)� I must get to one or the other every day� either the park immediately after work or the gym in the evening� that is the game plan� that is the how to change the bodyslide� that is survival, nothing more than survival�

and then there's the why�

without addressing the why, the motivation might never be enough� the denial shall always win� even if I trained myself to follow the best of habits, to do hundreds of sit ups and many miles every day� the fit body would still be buried in a dark cave of denial� a social denial� a psychological denial� and ethereal spiritual denial� sensual sexual denial� some sort of denial�

and it is not anything special (yes, that was Fall Out Boy) or unique� no prophetic story, no moral tale, no epic adventure� just a boy who missed out on the normal human experience of family and unconditional love and desperately tried to find it in others and found that humans take biological relations for granted and rarely, if ever, invent in that sort of unconscious unconditional love and trust with anyone outside of the biological family so he fell in love the only way he knew how and had his heart broken a few times because he asks for that unconditional love and trust and now, no longer looks to love and shared sensuality as the end all and be all of life�

from another perspective, indulging the taste buds is the orgasm of choice for this boy these days� are all celibate people also fat?� I suppose it is possible to go deeper into denial and deny the taste buds and sensual pleasures completely, but I don't want to ever be that dead� or suicidal, substituting cigarettes and other more aggressive poisons � and so, being only mostly dead and only slightly suicidal, I will find the emotional comfort and psychological pleasure that is not quite so painful or destructive to this bady and in the absence of true love and unconditional trust, comfort foods suffice�

that oral hunger becomes a fixation on stimulating the mouth� and food becomes sex� and food becomes religion� and food becomes the primary, sometimes the only stimulation� and laziness wins the day� and then, the cycle sucks the body in� the lack of exercise just reduces the body energy more and more until the conscious mind doesn't even have the thought of breaking the routine of coming home from work and sitting, just sitting� sitting at the computer� sitting in front of the TV� sitting for dinner... and of course we work hard long hours so all that sitting is important� and getting up off the couch just takes too much effort�

and then it becomes not only a way of life, not only a privilege, but an obligation�

yes we must sit in front of the TV, we must see our favorite shows so we can chat on the web and at the office or jobsite about what happened on the show� or yes, we find we must sit and explore the web, chat or read friend's websites and comment, keep in touch with our internet world� it's how we belong, how we feel comfortable, at least on the surface, socially because we have something in common, something to talk about� some sort of regular interaction� somewhere we are wanted and missed when we are gone�

but that's so superficial�

for me, personally, at least for the moment, it is not TV, but the physical internet that attracts the lazy bones in me� it is sharing� if I was in a relationship, the TV would be fine if we both were into it� and yet, I am not satisfied being so superficial� I am not happy to be a full time spectator� I can only imagine how it will feel as more years pass and I am actually barred, by medical condition or social prejudice against aging, from active physical activity� to experience full press cultural pressure to vegetate�

still, that's not today�

today I can still run a few miles anytime I want to� last week, after many months of vegetation, I was able to run/walk seven miles and the very next day four more miles� while I consider the time rather pathetic by my personal standards for this body, I kept up a sixteen minute per mile pace� and I felt wonderful (a bit achy, but fine) and motivated� awake and alive� and the energy level� instead of going to work and wanting to nod off after five or six hours, instead of going home and nodding off in front of the computer or TV, I was energized� and I know (and remembered) that daily exercise wakes up the metabolism so it produces more energy�

but then another week passed and I must ask myself, so why still so lazy?�

habits are challenging to break� laziness is a powerful habit� and loneliness is a powerful depressive� loneliness and social isolation can strip me of motivation� the excitement of two days of run/walking dissipated as I played on the net for much of the weekend after those two days� and then, having gotten no sleep, Monday morning was lost to nodding off after I called Bert and found out they were not going out that morning� so yes, sleep, but not before the taste buds got theirs� somebody had to� that is some part of this body and psyche had to be indulged, stimulated, satisfied� and Monday became Tuesday and Tuesday became Wednesday and another week went by in the lazy habit instead of the awake and healthy habit�

and the cycle continued�

the energy level dropped back to couch potato levels and another weekend came and I kept myself very busy on and offline� and here we are coming up on another Monday morning (did I mention this entry was written last night?� but then, nevermind because the date above makes sense)� the lack of sleep pattern and eating comfort food pattern right before nodding off returned� and I followed the influences of those around me (who have rather horrible eating habits themselves)�

it's an easy excuse, but the main reason I did not go back out to the trail is nobody challenged me to� Berry's new job is day shift, so Bert and Berry are not coming out� and I love you if you're thinking of it, but don't bother writing a challenge online, it's not effective for me� I went out to the trail to enjoy the social interaction� after running a bit before they got there, I was ok with walking as long as they wanted to walk� the motivation was not about improving my mile times or even getting in shape for the marathon, it was about talking to people face to face� it was about being with friends in the physical world� heck, I didn't even take my chronometer to track my times, which is first for the runner in me�

so there's the rub�

I am ready for more social life� but more specifically, if I am to join them in the Disney marathon in January, I must motivate myself to go out daily and exercise on my own� that is always how I've exercised before, so it's still the inner laziness roadblocks I must ultimately deal with� a few miles on the trail, a half hour or more on the lifecycle, some regular weight machine work� there's no other way to be part of the marathon with them (watching would not nearly cut it for me and volunteering is just watching with more responsibility � and easy distractions from the denial that keeps you out of the activity)�

will this entry help?�

maybe� I hope so� we shall see�

�..

UPDATE: I got home and did not sit down for pizza and ice cream and nodding off while surfing the web, at least not immediately� I changed and went out for a three mile run/walk at the same 16 minute per mile pace this Monday morning after writing this entry at work a few hours earlier� a very good sign, but I still feel like I am trying to swim up a waterfall� and so alone�

but hope is reborn each time I open my eyes and it rises every time I step out to run� so I hope I keep confronting myself and finding motivation inside because ultimately, that's the only place that can always be depended upon to be there� and at least I know I can find true love and unconditional trust and hope and inspiration and amusement in there� when I remember to look�

sitting on a bench in a park waiting for Godot (or sitting in my big green chair waiting for someone to find these words I pour online almost every day) is not getting me what I want� so I've got to get up and move and try other things� no worries, I have been addicted to writing since I could first make lines on the wall with a crayon, so I'll continue to be uploading my babbles as long as I have a means and way�

I just hope this motivation to get up and move and do other things continues cuz I am growing very tired of the loneliness and I don't like feeling too stupid to figure out how to end this solitary phase of this life� that amuses me, which is a sign that I am going to stop playing stupid any day now� or maybe soon� hopefully�

duh, doh, and voe doe dee doe doe�

. o O ( NOTES ARE THE NEW HAPPY PILL ) O o .
(just let me know you were here)