how do we put together the peices of this week, looking back from the future, I find scraps of paper and flits of files giving me words that I once thought and recorded and wonder now if I ever shared them with you... like, did you read this yet?

while sort of waiting on the server to let me come here and start this entry (I decided to eat and copy a CD and watch some TV instead of writing in a file this time), I got to thinking about a girl who came to stay... she was not the kind of girl who put me down, ever, but she was the kind of girl who made me sorry and still... I don't regret a single day... except maybe the day I lost my mind and chose the desperation of humanity over my own mind, just to see if I could trust someone, just to see if someone would save me... I learned that nobody will save me, that I am always alone, that the illusion of sharing is way too fragile to be tested by any seriously life-death test... I also learned that I can not save anyone who does not want to be saved (and how many years did I waste trying?... long stories for some other time, perhaps), yet I still tried one more time and one more time and one more time again until I finally decided I had enough (and had nothing left to offer anyway)... and that is why I am alone today...

I though I already uploaded those words, but then, they were not deleted from my scribble files so maybe not... in case I did, you need not bother reading them again... hmmmm, perhaps I should have put this paragraph ahead of the previous paragraph... well, in case you did read the previous paragraph already (and actually remember doing so) and you accidentally (or on purpose) read it again here, hope you didn't mind... and if it doesn't matter anyway, well then, nevermind...

and then there was this:

pausing the fantasy, I find the space is filled with please watch this with me energy as Precious put on Lord of the Rings DVD purchased yesterday and the extras and behind the scenes and making of (and so on) blares through the air (so often here I sit in my big green chair in the living room and I watch someone turn on the TV and then leave the room as if taking for granted that I was going to watch... often I a engrossed in music or more often reading and writing and I don't notice the TV until some commercial shouts for attention and I realize that I've been alone in the room a while for they've been gone a half hour or more and of course they leave the remote out of reach)... anyway, if you've missed me for the past few days and are curious, this and the ten entries before... later today is a Fantasy Baseball live draft... so life continues and we have a few days to catch up on...

we left off defining the author of this diary (that would be me, right) and dropping some of my favorite names...

which would have referred to where we (being you, dear readers, and me, the writer of this diary) paused before this flurry of Saturday night entries that fill in the past week (past week time time based on this entry), that pause referred to in the paragraph above actually being at this entry... making any sense yet?...

a yes response right about now might be scary...

but fun...

. o O ( NOTES ARE THE NEW HAPPY PILL ) O o .
(just let me know you were here)