some nights there's nothing at all in my head ready to form into words and come out through my fingers... no matter what I do, all I seem to want to do is sleep or stare into space until I sleep... even though I tell myself (and believe) that I really want to write, I am at a loss for words... this is one of those nights and after twenty minutes of staring at nothing (but not letting myself fall asleep because I am at work), I return to the keyboard and put my fingers on keys and what you are reading is what happened... or is happening, if you look at it from my point of view...

spacing out, the final frontier...

I was doing fine until I paused to eat some chicken and potatoes and beans that was purchased for a staff's birth day... and now, as if there was strong sleep-inducing medication in the dang food, I feel like falling over and playing narcoleptic... I wonder if narcolepsy can be correlated well enough with night shift workers to become considered a natural effect and official night shift work hazard, therein qualifying those susceptible for workman's compensation... yes, just one more in a long list of potential retirement plans I come up with sitting here through the long hours of the night...

I'm thinking this plan could be better than the plan to commit some harmless white collar crime and get put in one of those country club prisons for my golden years... I'm easy, I just want some fresh air, some healthy food, and a computer with high speed internet...

no worries, sometimes I don't know when to take myself seriously either...

sometimes?...

I am sooo misunderstood...

but I always take chocolate seriously...

and music, I would love to follow bands around when I retire...

you?...

personally, I think chocolate has magic in it, along with it's many other ingredients... for me, there is no better drug... it does what I want it to do... it empowers me... it wakes me up... it puts me to sleep... it opens my mind... it brings me peace... it gives me strength to carry on... it gives me more tolerance and patience... it makes me crazy...

the only other drug that even came close to doing for me what chocolate does is marijuana and I haven't seen hide nor hair of that substance in a long time (I miss it now and then, but it's expensive and I left behind my drug experiment stage some time ago after trying everything as much as I wanted to and besides, being in a hospital field where drug testing is an anytime option for management, I stay away from the illegal substances even more)... it's ok if my blood test comes back saying my blood is seventy five percent chocolate...

yes, I've tried most everything I could try at least once... and with the right company, I'll try anything new or again, whichever comes first... the right company being someone who instantly earns my trust... yes, trust, not lust... someone who instantly earns my lust can get a lot from me, but not anything and certainly not everything... lust is such a transient thing, and everything is forever...

if you know what I mean...

I've gotten in the habit of drinking coffee at work again and lately I add some chocolate to it because chocolate is available... mocha is not as good as pure chocolate, but the double whammy of caffeine is helpful in keeping me awake on nights when I must isolate myself from my co-workers in order to either get work done or monitor the patients more closely, which is a regular thing here...

I think I am about ready for a change, reluctant as I am to give up these hours of writing time, maybe taking a position off the units that is more involved in system operations and less directly involved in patient care would be a good move for me right about now... and maybe I am trying to talk myself into the possible benefits of such a change and hope the possible drawbacks are not as bad as they might be...

but the big news that has nothing to do with anything else (except that I would actually share all of my chocolate for her) is that I am in love again... oh sure, it's far away fantasy love, but I did stand just a few feet away from her stunned by her adorability and now, listening to her singing, I have succumbed to my most precious true love fantasies and I am ready to spend the rest of my life worshipping her (or at least as long as she�ll have me)...

music and words can seduce me easier and better than anything (no, the way to my heart is not through my stomach, though great cooking helps intensify the experience as all senses want to participate in the fall, after all)... and as I've been known to do in the past, I let the music (and a voice) into my head (and when it reaches my heart, there's infinity plus one)... add to it what my eyes and ears call adorableness (there's no definition, it's a biochemical magical reaction) and I am a puddle of mush that can be molded into whatever...

usually I do the molding because the inspiration is mostly fantasy and nobody else is around to do the molding and I don't function too well as a puddle of mush for too long... I mean, puddles of mush have a difficult time going to work or eating, even... and while I'll happily die for love when necessary, I don't see much point in dying as a muddle of mush for someone who remains a fantasy and may never know... save a life, sure...

so anyway, I guess I found something to say after all...

in case you missed it, the entry before this one was written after this one started and still may be incomplete, but I left this one at work and just finished it, so it's here now... and in case you haven't been paying attention this week (or this is your first visit in more than eight days), there are more than fifty new entries that were not here the last time you were here and they all start with that link on the left that says IT BEGINS HERE (clever, I know)... and in the next few hours (or soon), the final catch-up entry will be uploaded and we will have RealTime� in life in black and white right here behind the candoor for the first time since late June... fascinated, aren't you?... well, at least now you know and have the chance to read this sort of babble for the next few hours...

I appreciate your being crazy like me J

. o O ( NOTES ARE THE NEW HAPPY PILL ) O o .
(just let me know you were here)