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�2006 Candor Communications


2004-05-06 - 12:20 p.m.

something about the infinite...


what it is, I think, is that I have learned to detach so well that I can appear insensitive and nobody would ever think, to look at me (or perhaps read me?) that I am feeling everything in this whole universe with so much intensity that I would be overwhelmed if I didn't learn to detach so well...

detach from what?...

oh, well... that nerve center somewhere in the body that compels the body to react to feeling, I suppose... once upon a time I was even better at it, conscious of the control at acute (or do I mean minute... maybe both) levels... now I lapse out of consciousness at random moments and leave myself wide open for any mayhem anyone might like to play on me... it keeps me from getting too bored during this long-term period of stagnation (that is relationship talk for being alone too long, I think)...

do you think the top level of the Dark Tower is empty?...

yes, I am still here... yes, I probably should not have eaten as much as I did and I probably should have gone to sleep after showering after running and yes, I am moving from a state of lethargy back into a state of flux and yes, this is a run-on sentence (if we can stretch the definition for the word sentence to include this particularly perculiar collection {or would it be more a string?} of words)... it's been a semi-frustrating morning so I returned here to vent into the vastness of cyberspace (or perhaps curl up on a comfortable shoulder in my imagination... that may have happened a few times in this lifetime... would that be sad?)...

I spent time on the phone with the utility companies again... not good-for-aggravation Bell South (today especially I strongly do not recommend them, in case you are wondering)... they still have not credited my account with the rebates they promised for signing up for DSL with them... they still have the wrong name on the accounts (and may have sent the rebates to the wrong account because of that mix-up)... they appear to be manned by idiots... I am not connected to the internet through them right now (and never am when I am on this laptop, which is 98% of my online time, and yet I've been paying for DSL service cuz my roommate wanted it since September of last year... one of the reasons I must finally gather all the bills and come up with a number for Rasputin)... I did spent time on the phone with the electric company who is still trying to collect on a debt from 1994 that was discharged in bankrupcy in 1997... I profoundly strongly recommend you never declare banckruptcy unless you are Donald Trump or some equally filthy rich person who can rip off the banks and creditors and still get them to loan you even more money... but that's besides the point)... the electric bills have become so confusing what with them trying to merge three different accounts that span more than a decade onto each bill that I wind up calling them every month just to vent to some supervisor about their incompetent billing department... actually, I do it every other month, ignoring the bill in between out of sheer spite...

what credit report?...

tomorrow I'll pay the electric company some number of dollars that the poor person I cornered with my threats of legal action for harrassment over attempts to collect a discharged debt came down to... they do it every time, apologizing for some moron in the collections department who may not have been old enough to masturbate (wait, babies can masturbate... ok, bad metaphor) or old enough to reach the keyboard of the computer he or she is using to harrass me whenh the debt was legally discharged... money is obviously one of the dumbest things mankind has ever dreamt up... especially when people somehow made it more important than their gods... but that's another story...

I'll also be a good boy and pay the cable bill which is a couple of months past due and the phone bill?... hmmmm, tomorrow I will consider calling the phone company again...

what it is, I think, is that I have learned to detach so well that I can appear irresponsible and nobody would ever think, to look at me (or perhaps read me?) that I am feeling everything in this whole universe with so much intensity that I would be overwhelmed if I didn't learn to detach so well...

detach from what?...

my wallet, apparently... or at least any real concerns over what the material world might think of me... sure, it would be sweet to have the kind of credit I once had so I could bring home stuff like the most advanced component-filled computer and musical reproduction equiptment and a few thousands CDs and DVDs a week and other fun toys in one afternoon with nothing but my smile and signature (that's what the eighties and nineties were like, until I left it all behind and bought a one way ticket on the existential express)... I only miss stuff when having it would make sharing easier or more plentiful... see, so if I fell in love again I'd be sharing everything and wouldn't miss a thing... wanted: beautiful existential crazy person to fall in love with this wanna-be-starving-artist scatter-brained babbler... must be in touch with the infinite, especially in inner security, peace, love-making, and sense of humor... promise to love forever in every way possible (except ways that might hurt)... never break promise, no matter what it takes, or where... do not fear low men in yellow coats, any type of vampires, wolves, or Crimson Kings... animate your anima... follow your ka... let the force be with you... inquire within...

I'd say serious inquiries only, but heck, it's the ridiculous ones that are most amusing to reflect upon when the serious one finally comes along...

so there is a part of me bleeding and will probably go on bleeding forever (feeding vampires, perhaps)... and there is a part of me crying and a part that wants to cry and a part that laughs with the delight of a nearly newborn child at the rainbows I see in the tears, however secure somewhere inside with the deeper understanding of the wisdom of the ages, whatever that may be... and there is a part of me wondering if it's all been wasted time (and singing that song) and part of me wondering if I have missed the buss (or the point) for this life and there's nothing left to do but set cruise control for whatever comes next, if anything... and there is a part of me amused by all the other parts of me... I think I like that part best, even if I sometimes misplace it or mistake it for another part (which amuses it even more)...

and I forgive everyone who's ever done me wrong, including myself, however forgivness does not mean I will ever trust them... but I do want to trust someone, so step right up and be tested beyond your wildest imagination for where you thought human conventions and limits might end, I shall just be beginning... cuz I go to extremes (thank you Billy)... and so it goes...

whatever that means, I stand by it...

I know what love is, so when I sing I wanna know what love is I am referring to your love... that's what I want you to show me... and if you can comma commala without limits, maybe we'll reach some sort of understanding... as a soulmate of mine, I will constantly be searching for your perfect soulmate, just in case it is not me... for if there is a way (or another person) that would increase your happiness and peace and security and improve your feeling of being than nothing would make me happier than to find your way to it and get you there... hopeing you'll never forget me, but then, being soulmates, we know we won't...

used to be that's what friends were for...

but the world has moved on...

I wonder if the sixies will ever happen again... without the hostility and tensions and wars and deaths and all that negativity... I mean, the 1960s... the kids who were reaching out for a new enlightenment, an emotional awareness and sharing and trusting in the human heart... to get past the stupid fears, the insecurities that lead to hiding and greed and usery and hate and truly feel the wonder of sharing in this life... I wonder if human beings will ever actualize the song Imagine again, even for just a little while... I hope so... I'd like to be there...

I was listening to Placedo Domingo sing pop songs, some CD with a couple of John Denver songs that the library sent me because I was looking for John Denver CDs (the one I wanted most, Season's Of The Heart, they did not have) and ordered a few... whatever I might think of Domingo as a voice, he should have stayed away from pop songs, at least the ones on this CD... way too much vocal melodrama (kind of like listening to a silent movie) for the lyrical content... I do not enjoy being critical, but after a half dozen songs I just had to say something...

I forgot my phone all week... I mean, I forgot to take it out of the shirt it was in on Monday and forgot I even had a phone... go figure, on Tuesday morning Helena called and her message was that she was fired from her job... so in realizing I wanted to call the power company today, I found where I had forgotten my phone and say her voicemail and called her... she seems happy, already has book herself full time for temp jobs for the next few weeks (and her recruiter assured her she'd not have a day off unless she wanted one) and she's got a whole list of interviews to go on at her liesure... she's considering temping until September when she was planning to go somewhere out of the country for a vacation... her first temp job pays about $32 an hour... why did I ever choose a helping profession?...

oh yeah, I love to help...

it would help so much if you would sing... I mean the soulmate candidate... but anybody might understand and fill the bill if you can reach the infinite (yes, the infinite again... it's part of the program)... there was a time I could imitate a singer just by listening to a song or few and the match was uncanny... that skill may be long gone out of neglect... use it or lose it, the saying goes... and as much as I love music and love singing, I've never sung a duet... strange... I've sung with others, but we were in our own perfect worlds (long ago and often drug induced, or so we imagined)... challenge the voice...

it would help so much if you could fly... at the very least in your heart and mind... an infinite imagination is just the beginning of the journey we will embark upon... please bring yours and comma commala, let it do ya...

what it is, I think, is that I have learned to detach so well that I can appear incomprehensible (inconceivable?... ah, for Wesley and his Buttercup, there are other worlds than these) and nobody would ever think, to look at me (or perhaps read me?) that I am understanding everything in this whole universe with so much intensity that I would be overwhelmed if I didn't learn to detach so well...

detach from what?...

my imagination, perhaps... and have these CDs in your heart's CD collection, please: (titles only, figure out the artists for yourself) Elton John, Made In England, Seasons Of The Heart, Blue Jays, Seventh Sojourn, Abbey Road, Lives in The Balance, Blue Solitaire, Desire Wire, Steal The Night, Melissa Etheridge, Tapestry, Wish You Were Here, Dark Side of the Moon, JCS, Tommy, 52nd Street, Hotel California, BuckinghamNicks, Fleetwood Mac, Prisoner in Disguise, Heads and Tales, Verities and Balderdash, Short Stories, Sniper and other Love Songs, Portrait Gallery, On The Road To Kingdom Come, Dance Band on the Titanic, Living Room Suite, Legends of the Lost and Found, Sequel, Remember When The Music, Last Protest Singer, and some of these and also, reference this (laptop version) and for crying out loud, understand what music means (especially the music of the night, say thankya)...

lately I've been staying up during the day and watching more TV... the Sci-Fi channel has had some shows I enjoy and since I did not see all the episodes (and usually catch shows in reruns anyway), I have been watching Sliders, Amazing Stories, Outer Limits, Star Trek, and others... it is vegetation time mostly, but then, even the brain needs to eat it's greens... my brain is definitely starving for something... almost as much as my heart (I left out many movie/show soundtracks from the list above... West Side Story, Man of la Mancha, Fiddler on the Roof, Phantom of the Opera, La Cage Aux Folles, A Chorus Line, Cats pop into view among so many others... some I've lived, some I want to live, some I just love as roles to sing and play... the words, the music, the emotions, the experience, memories...

whatever am I still doing awake?... this entry started about a hundred minutes ago and I've switched from TV to music and have come and gone and still it seems to want to continue... the obsession revealed, scary huh?... would you want someone to put so much time and energy into you?... all the time?... on into the infinite?... does your mind have an off switch?... does your heart have an end?... have you ever had a lover who was also your cover and your very best friend?... I come cheap, ya know...

sometimes I think that what I want to be when i grow up is an aging hippie... I mean that in the nicest most respectful way (for all you hippies out there)... I already have the long hair... and the stray grey... or is that gray... is one more silver and the other more charcoal?... somebody contact Crayola, will ya?...

how are your teeth?... mine are good, but I am due for a dental check up... I figure if I mention it here I might remember to call and make an appointment... and maybe brush after every meal instead of just twice a day... teeth are expensive to replace and being that I've gone existential (read: poor), I'm more in tune with taking care of mine than ever before... they are still all in there and get a A+ checkup, even after all the stuff that's passed between them...

when was the last time you kissed someone with all the passion in you?... I mean, reckless abandon, uninhibited, opening to the infinite?... I've almost forgotten what that feels like... now that is scary... must have been the teeth thoughts... healthy mouths smell much more kissable to me, the healthier the more, ummm, kissable... did you ever orgasm from kissing and only kissing?...

what it is, I think, is that I have learned to detach so well that I can appear analytical and nobody would ever think, to look at me (or perhaps read me?) that I am experiencing everything in this whole universe with so much intensity that I would be overwhelmed if I didn't learn to detach so well...

detach from what?...

sex, perhaps... I have had a one night stand or two, but except for brief ego-gratification and momentary libido fantasy, random sexual encounters have little appeal to me... I suppose the right partner could change my mind, but until that happens...

I remember my long term sexual relationships not for their duration, but for their intensity... perhaps the most intense was the one never fully consummate, the teenage passions (speaking of that run time measurements coincidence, she was just the right shape and size and everything) reached as close to the infinite as any I've known since (I know you're out there somewhere... it sure would be good to see you one more time again)... it lasted almost a year in the physical world, and may never end in the ethereal spaces only hearts can find... the longest relationship I've known was the least passionate... go figure, it was very convenient and comfortable though... I've known love at first sight, lust at first sight, and I've given in during the first hour of meeting and held out for years... it's not about morality or rules for me, it's about the connection... and the infinite...

the best thing about life is love... it's also the worst, when there's no one around to love... when the kindness of the heart goes unnoticed... when the good deeds you ache to do are done randomly for strangers... when the dreams of passion are broken and trapped in the dream state or worse, in nightmares... when someone tries to convince you that love can end and you have no doubt that a things such as love ending can not be... for love is the infinite...

the best thing about life is sharing love...

what it is, I think, is that I have learned to detach so well that I can appear without need and nobody would ever think, to look at me (or perhaps read me?) that I am part of everything in this whole universe and knowing this with so much intensity that I would be overwhelmed if I didn't learn to detach so well...

detach from what?...

knowledge, awareness, consciousness... it's a posture thing... bend the vertebrea just enough and perspective changes... bend a little more and limits befall everything... it is what kills the infinite (by removing it from your rhelm of possibilities)... the mind is a terrible thing to cage... have you ever lived in a cage?...

I have... and I almost did not get out... I still may be a prisoner in disguise... a prisoner of the infinite, no doubt...






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